This is Fate
by tattedheart
Summary: A drably type story about how fate leads you to where you are suppose to be no matter what you want. It is all already mapped out.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey gang. I have had more lappy issues. Rest assured that Blame It is still being written. It is going to finish but I am now learning the desktop (I hate learning new... Grr windows 8) and have some personal issues. But I have the voices talking all off a small phrase i heard today. This is going to be along the lines of some of my other dribbly things and so that means not edited just the pouring out of my fingers and odd self. I am thinking it will be told over the next few days. I am using it more as an exercise above all to get back into the zone...

This is Fate

Nothing is random. I have never believed that at all. Things happen for a reason it is all preset, destined, willed by the fates. Yup that is my story and I am sticking to it.

So I stand here scratching my head trying to figure out what "they" have set in motion for me. Because if there is no random then I was meant to see him. Okay eventually see him. After I ran into him and caused him to spill his coffee all over his crisp white shirt. The white shirt that suddenly became transparent as it plastered to his well sculpted chest. See him after I tore my eyes away from his perfectly shaped and now well flavored nipples.

No not random can't be as he yells and obscenity and turns stomping back into the building with out so much as a second glance my direction. I'm sure he didn't even see enough of me to register anything about me. But I saw him. I put every line and freckle to memory. I burned it to my brain and libido. No this wasn't random. This here. This is fate.


	2. Chapter 2

Really that's how your gonna play it? Nice. My silent rant goes up to the ceiling, I don't have to say anything out loud. They are always there always listening and watching.

There he is and I know the fates didn't have my dick in mind when they planned this out. Nope fresh out of rehab and my first interview is with not only the guy I spilled coffee on but also the son of the guy that put me away in the first place. Figures, I thought all along things were going to smoothly.

Met all my requirements early therefor was out early. Had found a nice, all be it small, place in a safe neighborhood. And had an interview set up for me. Yup way to easy.

My leg bounces as I eye the name plate and then the man just inside the office in a neat crisp new shirt.

**E. McCarty CEO **

Who knew he would grow up to look like that?


	3. Chapter 3

A man can only dream for just so long. Good thing I learned my lesson years ago about wishing and hoping and more importantly about karma. That one is a bitch for sure. She will bite you on the ass every time. Sure she could be a honey of a thing too, but not for me.

I should have put it together downstairs, I have know a version of the face most of my life. But the face now is different, it's jaded and cruel not soft, happy, scared, hopeless. I remember soft blue eyes that sparkled when they were happy and gray when I was tormenting him. Yup I was an asshole, I was a kid sure but i was a grade A ass. And oh you know that bitch isn't gonna let me forget.

I'm really not sure why I am still sitting here. There is no shot in hell he would give me a job. No chance at all. This is clearly a favor my folks called in with his. But still I sit. Now only catching glimpses no as he paces back and forth talking on the phone. I know when he will be revealed again in the crack of the door. I count the steps in his pacing. In the minutes I can't see him I think which part of him to memorize.

Three... Two.. One... Shoulders to hips...


	4. Chapter 4

There is no first time we met, no point in time when I can go back in the files in my brain and pinpoint. Nope we just always knew each other. Every event in my life up til I was fifteen he was there. We weren't friends, nope not even friendly. Though our parents tried to push it, they pushed it until I made it clear it would never happen.

That moment I can go back to. That one is the one where I realized that I had chosen my path. I was different, I didn't like it and that I would rather piss my parents off and disappoint them with drugs and outrageous behaviour then admit I was gay. Better to blame it on the drugs then be a freak.

Not my best call. Well not as far I can tell. The folks probably wish it had just ended up that way. Then I could be the butt of jokes and bailed out time and time again. You know the whole Charlie Sheen experience. Nope I had the bail out for years, many many years that wasn't good enough. Nope not for me I had to push it to far. I had to come out in a big old coked out haze and a scandal that the folks refused to accept.

The thing about the old money, we're catholics on holidays types... They don't do homo kids. Drugs, drinking, whores? Sure, but your child is gay? You can kiss it all goodbye.


	5. Chapter 5

I am an island, cliche' but true. For a time I thought "what the hell, I'll play along' Hence the bully shit...

I did it up proper. I am now, after everything, ashamed. Actually sick to my stomach to remember it all. Oh and I do remember. Every second, every minute, everything. It only serves to renforce the urge to stand up and duck out. But I don't because he comes in to my view again. Now I am down to his waist to hips, this time he mixes the pattern up and turns so I get a slow scene played out. His narrow waist turns and reveals his hips into his ass. Then his figure is out of sight. The counts stop, the view is empty.

Now my hands sweat and the window of escape is gone. Now I wait for what I know is coming. The buzz of the phone, the secretary picking up the receiver and the call of my name. It is those brief seconds that my cursed memory stop time.

Five, I was five, maybe six. I was dropped in the room where they contained all of the kids at your run of the mill weekend event my parents drug us to and I of course went to the appointed area. Lego land and hotwheels. But there was a boy over by himself, a flash of sparkly blue eyes and shock of sun-kissed curls that kept drawing my eyes. He was alone hunched over a book, but he looked so happy. He looked enthralled and content. And it pissed me off.

"Mr McCarty will see you now."


	6. Chapter 6

What was it about him back then and the years to follow? Every time I saw him through the years happy something was set off in me. It was really bad when I saw him happy with others. As the years went on it eventually came on in the names I called him and the not so gentle shoulder bumps in the halls. Anything to wipe that spark from his eyes. I told myself it was because he was a nerd and that is how it works. Jocks pick on nerds. The circle of life and all that shit.

He doesn't lift his head as I enter, doesn't give any sense that he knows I am even in the room. He has to know I'm there I'm not silent the chair creaks as I sit, I clear my throat. Just as I thought this interview was over before it started. A year ago I probably would have flipped him off and stormed out. Hell of a thing about therapy though. Sometimes that shit works. So I sit there and wait. I watch him. Take the time to try and fathom how this man came to be.

He was always the smallest of our age group. He was always thinner, smaller, pale. But if I admit it to just myself he was always beautiful. And that hasn't changed. Now though he is filled out, tan with a strong jaw line that leads to a corded neck.

I wish he would look up, I want to know if the sparkle is still there or are they dull and gray. I used to love to see the gray appear. Now I pray for blue.


	7. Chapter 7

"You get your fill yet?" His voice startles me. It's a heavy rich timber. Cold but I can imagine how it would sound if he was happy or sensual.

He still hasn't looked up yet. I'm lost at what to say so I keep silent and just wait, and watch.

"The job is 40k entry level, benefits after 90 days. You will have an office on the fourth floor and a team of three interns. The files will be sent to you every Monday and Thursday. Reports are due on the Friday meeting." All of this as his face is still trained on the paper in front of him, never looking at me while he speaks.

All I can do is watch him and not speak. This is all to easy to weird, given our history, if he remembers who I even am.

"I remember, I know who you are." not sure if I spoke out loud or he read my mind.

"Then why?"

"This isn't about your past, or even our past. I am a business man. I grew this company from nothing by being smart not sentimental. You have a photographic memory and had top honors in school. You were on the path to great things before and I am smart enough to see that. So what's 90 days. Either you fuck it up and I fire you or your skills make me richer. Simple as that."

I just nod my head and stand up to leave.

"Jules will give you all the information and paperwork you need." my hand is on the knob to leave as he speaks again.

"Oh and Edward, I don't care about your past but I want the neck tattoo covered when you are working."

I look back at him. Steely blue gray. His eyes are a mix of the two colors. And they had been watching.


	8. Chapter 8

Be good, be good, be good... Funny I use to loathe those words when they came from my mother or nanny. Now it is my own personal mantra. I lost count how many times I have told it to myself in the last month. It starts as I get out of bed, and continues as I shower and dress and pull my collar high. As I step on the subway and make my way through the city. As I walk through the building all the way to my desk.

It would be to easy to say screw it all and hit a club or a back alley. The world would melt away in minutes. Hours would slip into days. Life would just move on around me. But the more I am away from that numbness the more I realize the damage I caused.

It's the damage and the memories that cause me to repeat the mantra. They hurt like a bitch and it would be so easy to make it go away.

"Be good" I whisper as I head into the Friday meeting. He is rarely here. Today he is.


	9. Chapter 9

Steely blue eyes that never touched on me. I know I was watching him the whole time. My eyes never left him. I remember everything there was no need for notes. If I did miss anything I can just go over the notes that are emailed out. So I watched him.

He commands everything around him now. Everyone knows the power he wields and they respect it. I thought I had all the power back then, and now? Frankly I come in and do my job and leave. It is the opposite, people turn away and there are whispers. They don't bother me, because I tried to hard to long to get just that reaction. I am once again laying in the bed I made.

We were twelve when I felt the shift. The anger to much to keep inside. I remember the day clearly, it was the last day before winter break. Everyone was giving their who gives a fuck with classes attitude. I was talking up some B.S. with the guys, it was the same shit as always. Where are we going what new game we better get, blah blah blah. But I was watching him, I always was. Waiting for my ammo, the thing to hate about him today. Then I got it.

He was standing there with his group, the geek squad, yup should have trademarked that one, Rose and Isa, they were exchanging gifts and giggling and being their lame selves. Then it happened. He hugged Isa and then Rose and Rose kissed him on the mouth. He touched his lips after and I felt it boil.

"Excuse me, um Mr. Cullen, can I bother you a moment?" Angela my secretary pulls me from the preteen horror i was slipping into.

I wave her in.


	10. Chapter 10

Heart pounding, sweat covered body, hands and toes clenched so tight I am sure they will be set like stone. This is what I hate about being sober. Dealing with the dreams. They aren't dreams, they are the loop of my life, they are the memories. They are the mess my life became. Tonight I should have known.

He actually spoke to me today in more the curt work talk. He said I was doing well, he didn't exactly look at me we were in the elevator together. His hand were in his pocket and his eyes were trained down. It was in that awkward moment that he said it.

"You're doing really well."

I was shocked for a minute but took the opening to actually talk to him.

"I'm sorry you know." it was rushed out as I saw the floor he had rung up approaching. I counted the breaths in the silence. Nothing. The doors open and he steps forward but over his shoulder I hear him speak softly.

"I know I got the letter." his voice was low and soft but I could hear the pain and distain in it.

Here I lay now. Doing my counting and deep breathing and playing again my dreams.

Thirteen, that was when I was in my humiliation phase. He was always with the head in his books and note books. Scribbling away, so the stupid punk I was I thought lets see what nancy boy is always going on about. So in front of my friends and the whole seventh grade lunch room I yank his notebook from him. I start to read making up the dear diary part. But I scan it and see what I was reading. Even I couldn't stoop low enough to read it out loud. I couldn't even, so I opted for the typical asshole move. Throwing his book back at him and declaring him a faggot.

That was fate in motion, and I am so fucking sorry.


	11. Chapter 11

"Why?"

There was no knock, I didn't even hear the door open. But there he was hands in his pockets filling the entire door with his massive frame. Keep my head down but answer.

"I don't know, why what?" I know what he is asking.

"All of it, all the way back. Why?"

"I was messed up." weak but the simplest way to put it I guess.

"No" He is firm and louder, I feel him come further into the room and hear the door close. "It goes way back before drugs and drinking. I read your letter, your apology of sorts. With you and me it goes back a hell of a lot further then that."

"I don't know." I hear myself say just above a whisper.

"Bullshit" his voice loud and clear and echoing off every wall.

He is at the edge of my desk I can see his expensive belt and his long hands on his hips. I try to no t look up. I try to not see his face. I try and I fail. I see the pulse in his neck, the tick in his jaw, the grim set of his mouth. I don't want to see them but I have to look, his eyes are a color I have never sen. They are almost black.


	12. Chapter 12

"Pardon my harshness but I think I am due. No one treats someone with so much hatred and distain for a decade and doesn't know why. Call it you were a bully, blame life, blame your parents, blame what you want but you Mr. Photographic memory. Mr. I remember everything has to have the smallest idea." he sits and leans forward. Hands are clasped, elbows resting on his knees and darkened eyes trained on me.

I wish I did, I mean I think back at at some point I realized what it was but it couldn't have been that way back when we were little. What the could I say that would even come close to being an explanation.

"When we were little," I lift my eyes a brief moment but can't focus with him watching me so hard. "I don't know I can put a name on it. I just saw you happy and that made me sad or mad or some shit. It was nothing you had done."

"Well back then kids were jerks for no reason I can deal with a stolen toy or what ever but you didn't stop."

"You're right I didn't. I let the anger take over, I let it consume me and well I am sure you know how that turned out." daring another glance I see a small nod. And him looking closely at the tattoos and track marks that are revealed by my rolled back sleeves.

"And you can see how it changed me physically. I wish you could see what it did to the inside. Scars aren't all ones you can trace along veins."


	13. Chapter 13

And so we go, picking away here and there, bits and pieces of the past.

"There isn't a single happy memory I have of childhood." today is a bit more comfortable. It's a Friday evening as usual, we are still in my office, he always comes to me. Today though he has his jacket off and sleeves rolled back just like me.

"Funny I can only think of a few bad ones." he is on the opposite end of the sofa from me, he looks so together, so in charge. If I didn't know better i would have thought he was always like this. But I do know better, I know it all. All the things that are missing.

"All involving me, right." My throat is suddenly very dry as I know where this might lead.

"No surprisingly not all of them. To tell you the truth I tried not to remember them." he takes a long drink too and I know he failed to forget. We have tip toed enough I guess because I feel it coming. I can feel the shift in the air, smell it almost.

"Ten, we were ten when I can remember the why of something." I did this with a shrink and in group where it made no difference did no good. This time letting it out just might, if nothing else it will be all said and done. "You were wearing brand new red shoes. Flashy red, all the girls at recess were gathered around you and you were just like one of them. Not a care in the world, just standing around talking. You didn't try and show off or be manly or what ever a ten year old boy is suppose to do nope you were just being you. It pissed me off."

"Why? Why would you care who I hung out with or acted like?" he ton was even no sense of anger or impatience. It was like he was talking to a scared injured animal most of the time. Trying not to provoke it and get bitten. I guess in a way he was.

"Because that wasn't how I was raised. In my family you did what was expected not what you wanted."

"That's sad, I'm sorry." I had no idea what he was sorry for all the sorry should be coming from me. "I did really hate you for pouring paint on those shoes though. I loved those shoes." there is a small smile on his face. I take a leep.

"Did you know back then that you were gay?" it just hung there in the air.


	14. Chapter 14

I wait for a show of emotion, some anger, does this man feel emotions. I expect denial, anger, something but nothing shows.

"I don't think so" finally after holding my breath waiting for some sort of blow up he keeps true to nature and answers in the same even tone. "I don't think I had any sort of idea of what sexuality was. I was just being me."

"And taking shit from assholes like me changed nothing?" now there is a tell, a tick in the jaw, it is quick maybe just a flash but thanks to my mind I see everything and I saw that.

"Wouldn't say it didn't change me, it changed me a lot." Suddenly I am slammed with emotion wafting off of him. He is up and pacing the room. "I can't breathe in here. You wanna go get some food?"

I wasn't expecting it but then again I don't know what to expect about anything anymore. This means the talking is going to go on, on the minus side it means I am going to have to face more demons. On the plus side he can't kill me in public. Obviously I was taking to long because he is in the door way, coat draped over his arm and clearing his throat.

"Well? It's just food, it's not like I'm going to ra..." he visibly checks himself mid word, I catch it and wince. "Come on I know this nice pub just up the street."

I nod and grab my coat and know this will all be played out just like it is meant to.


	15. Chapter 15

The night was sticky and the heat rolling off all the concrete of the city was keeping the street overly warm. We walked in silence for a block but that ended when his soft soothing voice brings up another memory.

"Fifth grade, Mrs. Tucci's class." The way my crazy brain works it is easy to bring up pretty much the whole year just from that trigger, luckliy he pinpoints a spot for me. "You gave everyone the idea to start tripping me. Everywhere, I couldn't get through a day without landing face first on the floor. Chipped my tooth even."

I know, I saw. I was lurking behind the pillar in the lunch room watching him. Tyler saw him coming and was joking with his friends and whispering, as he passed stuck his foot out and tripped Emmett. He went down hard and twisted his head on the way down catching the bench. The impact echoed through the whole lunch room. Tyler got two days detention and his buddies got covered in spaghetti.

It takes longer to access the emotion or why behind it though. Eleven wasn't an age you put why behind your actions. I think as I rub my jaw and finally loosen my tie and unbutton my shirt. I know he is wanting me to answer but he calmly waits and now watches. I can see his glance over and watch as the words are reveal on my neck. Never pushing never giving me the pressured feeling. He just waits. And that was it, that was what it was.

"Everyone was waiting in line pushing and shoving for that field trip to go tour the middle school. I remember it was cold and dreary and the girls were complaining about how cold it was and the guys who thought they were top dog now were deluded that they would rule in the new school. Everyone was miserable but you, you were all content, head in a book not looking where you were going. I don't know why the small smile you had made me so angry. It did and I made a half ass comment to the guy that you better be careful or you were gonna trip. I knew what they would do. But I figured as long as I didn't do anything it wasn't on me." rubbing the back of my neck I dare a glance at him. He is looking at me, I wonder if he had been the whole time. But the look I don't know if I can decipher it, looks knowing and sad I guess.


	16. Chapter 16

I don't know where to look, it is a problem I have always had. In a group I am scanning always looking around. Never looking at the person you are with unless they aren't looking at you. My therapist said it was a druggy thing but I don't buy that. I have always had trouble looking at who I was talking to. I have my theories the most likely one being I don't want to have the image of their face forever in my mind. Let's face it I was not am not the best person in the world so image after image of disappointment just a trigger away in my brain would have never drug me out of my hole.

So now we sit here and I scanned the room more then a dozen times and now am back focusing on his hands turning his glass again and again. My foot bounces and fingers drum as I look around again and take a long drink of my ice tea.

"I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. Are you okay here? Do you want to go somewhere else?" I bark out a nervous laugh. Fuck me he is concerned about me? After all the shit. I shake my head and smile. He seems confused. "What?"

Trying to not laugh or go back there I actually look at him. He is pushing his glass away, off to the side and scanning all that we are surrounded by. Yeah I see it, I see the booze around and know what he is worried about.

"You're fine, it's fine. Now if you took me to a place with mirrors on coffee tables and needles lines up on the bathroom sink then," I shouldn't have looked at his face as I made the joke. "Shit, I'm sorry,"

He grabs his glass and downs the last of his IPA. I need work on my people skills.


	17. Chapter 17

"Was it all bad?" He asks before shoving a bite as big as my head of burger into his mouth.

I try to go over the course of our weird night and finally get what he means. "My childhood?" he nods. "Not looking back now but, it wasn't great. I'm could, but not gonna pull a bunch of crap and blame it on abuse or mommy didn't love me enough but no what's the point. It was what it was, my dad is who he is a well know doctor top of his field. My mother is the gala queen and saint of all church functions. They gave a damn when it was socially called for and well," what else can I do but shrug and take another bite of my veggie burger. I shrug my shoulders and actually look at him again.

Gray, his eyes are gray. Funny how that was my goal for so long. Now I just want the sparkle. The shining blue. A silent damning and a quick prayer to that bitch karma, please let me fix this shit.


	18. Chapter 18

A?N: HEy all just a quick hi and thanks for the love. Also to let you know that do to a writing desk overhaul and a doctors appt. Tomorrow that I spaced I think this may stretch into the week a little. Not gonna put a complete by day on it just sometime this week. I am hoping for at least 5 chapters to post tonight. We will see... Here we go.. And once again thanks for the love!

"I'm pretty sure this is a violation of something or another." I am holding the door half open and staring at a very casual look boss man.

"You're worried about violations?" his brow is cocked and head tilted as he holds up a box of Krispy Creme. I have to concede as I can see the chocolate long john through the window on top. Glaring I open the door to admit entrance. Going a bit overtop I throw a bow in for good measure. As I rise and my hand comes level he flops the box into it and moves right for the coffee that is forever brewing on the counter.

"Cute, nice touch to with the bow but I thought you were among the rich and fabulous royalty, that dictates me bowing to you doesn't it?" Flapping of the jaw is preformed a few times over as he moves around my kitchen pouring coffee and rifling through my fridge.

Closing the door and throwing the lock out of habit I still have no words. Lucky for me I don't have to think of words. As he reaches for the juice and moves to somehow the right cabinet the glasses are in he fills the void.

"So here's a oldie but goodie. Thirteen, caf courtyard." he sits at the table where two cups of coffee, two glasses of oj and two plates are waiting. "Well you gonna bring the goods? I have two cheat days a month I really don't want to waste this one." I move without realizing it and sink into the chair. I don't even have to think about it to know the day he recalled. It is one that fate made prime viewing for me at all times.

"I ahh," I search for the words.

"I just want to know why you didn't pull the trigger there." he takes a huge bite of a crawler and chews. His eyes never leave my face though mine are dancing all over his place as I search for an answer.

"I don't know."


	19. Chapter 19

We left it at that. Well he left it at that. I ate and drank and let my eyes dance all around never landing on anything for to long, I listen to the sounds of his chewing, I caught what he was picking up and damn that freak part of me putting a mark on what were his favorites and what were just ok donuts.

The sounds had me on edge, him being in space had me on edge. The waiting had me crawling out of my skin. A million and ten questions and answers playing through. Finally I couldn't take the quiet in the room or the noise in my head.

"Okay that wasn't exactly true, I do know. Now. But it goes back further then that day."shit I was gonna go there. There was no way I can sit and do this so I get up under the guise of putting my glass in the sink. Really I am look for a way not to feel caged. Doing busy work seems to help my thought flow.

I look over to the table and he is looking out the window, waiting, listening. His calm demeanor somehow soothes me now. It' gives me time to get it together without feeling pressure. Funny it use to piss me off, I hated it I wanted emotion out of him. I wanted to use my anger to cause his sadness. Not anymore. Now I hope for the opposite.

"It goes back I would say to the year before. Age twelve just before break."


	20. Chapter 20

It's like being back there again. I can even recall the smell of the hall way.

"You were so damn happy with your friends, back then hormones raging and all that shit, that was enough to piss me off. And no I still have no idea why you and not the hundred others around us. But you were there happy and talking and you got hugs from Rose and Isa, but then Rose kissed you."

"She kissed me all the time, she had a thing for me." his tone was kind of odd this time.

"Yeah well that was the first time I saw it, and you touched your lips like it was the first time she had done it." I can feel the same feelings from back then building. Yanking a glass off the counter I fill it full at the tap and down it. "You touched your lips, I saw the confused look on your face and well, then I was like what a loser. He doesn't even know what to do when a chick kisses him to my friends but inside,"

I leave it hanging at that and leave the room with no explaining.

I needed not to be in the room for a minute. I didnt have a lot of experience yet with high stress and have been keeping an even keel on things. Now with him it wouldn't be good.


	21. Chapter 21

When I finally come back in the room I 'm not sure what to expect. I wouldn't have guessed this though. He is in the kitchen chopping veggies and there is a spread of foods on the counter. I can smell that he has already started in on cooking something.

"Didn't we just have breakfast?" looking around I see no sign of the cups and glasses from before though. And I notice things have been cleaned up around my apartment.

Then he looks me dead in the face and looks truly concerned. It doesn't last long before he turns back to his chopping.

"Edward you have been back there for almost eight hours." I can't do anything but stare at him blankly. I have nothing to say at all, I blanked out from life, I lost time without drugs and he stayed. This man I have treated like dirt all our lives and he was here, waiting, cleaning and now cooking.

"Wh, wha, why are you still here?" I can't fathom.

"Where else would I go?" it wasn't flippant or anything it was just a true statement. Like he truly meant in all the places in the world he was needed here and so this is where he was. Time to really put my guilt into full force and do the real recovery work. It is easy to write letters and say the words the pros want you to but this I finally get. This I truly owe and I will pay this debt.

"What can I do?" I am not good in the kitchen but I am sure there is something even I can do.

"You can take those aspirin, drink that water, and sit your ass on the stool." his tone left no argument so I did what I was told.


	22. Chapter 22

"You really seem to know what you are doing in the kitchen." it was stupid to say, I mean what did I know from good or not. I hadn't even tasted anything. But it smelled great.

"Degree at the CIA. Also had a catering company with my partner before he passed." wow that was a whole hell of a lot of info out of the blue. I know I can't touch on any of it also. I have no right especially since I owe him some answers.

I give it a minute so the meds kick in, and listen to the sound of the chopping and sizzling. I twirl the glass watching the last bits of water bounce and swirl. How many times dod I do this with a darker amber in the pattern? A million miles ago. The pattern slows almost to a stop and I turn it the other way, funny it reflects the world I lived in and the one I live in now. Nothing can be a straight path.

"Have you ever lost your way?" I stop the swirl and let it die. "Have you ever not had a clue what to do next?"

"Don't be afraid, it's just the aftermath." I know the line, I know the song. The irony gets to me but though I should laugh at what he says something has told me we have a way to get our thoughts across.

"I didn't because I was confused too." I didn't even recognize my own voice, it seemed to becoming from the walls. I could hear the truth in it. A truth I don't think I even had told myself.


	23. Chapter 23

AN: hey all sorry for lack of updates yesterday and today. I had a minor surgery yesterday and it turned into a major pain. So I had no choice but to take my meds and go to bed. I am feeling better today and going to get a few updates up this afternoon and more late tonight. I am thinking a few more days and maybe 50-70 chapters. But really who knows... So hear we go starting to get some answers.

The truth can't be held back anymore. No truer thought could be thought at this moment. The flood gates are upon us I guess. The crack is there the bursting of the damn is gonna happen at some point. Might as well be now.

"I was an angry kid. You have to know that. Always was. From what I hear it goes back to the minute I was born, or my mom likes to tell me. She went through more nannies in the first few years then she could recall. I just blamed her being a hard ass bitch." A glass of sweet tea is put in front of me and I take long drink. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand I take a long breath.

He gives me a a small nod. Funny I don't need his permission but it is welcoming and needed.

"I was miserable because home was miserable, or maybe just because of my genetic make up. I don't know. But anyway." I'm not sure I should jump right back in where I was before my episode or not. He keeps cooking but helps.

"So what was going on in your head then?" damn he should have been a therapist.

"Um well that's just it I didn't know. I thought I was mocking you but something else hit me." Funny the confusion is just the same as it was back then.

"Jealousy maybe?"

"I'm thinking so." staring at the counter I roll the idea off my mind a bit. "Maybe confusion as to why I felt jealous." That sounded good to me.

"Well I remember how confused I was. That was the first time Rose kissed me. Any girl really and I thought it was suppose to feel different." He studied the back splash. "I guess that's when I started figuring out myself."


	24. Chapter 24

"Did you mean what you wrote in your book?" I remember the chicken scratched words on the white lined paper.

"I guess so," but how much really do you know about those things when you are that young?" He plates the pasta and veggies he has been working on and pulls the other stool around so we are across from each other. It feel intimate but not unfamiliar.

"Why me, sorry but that is kind of masochistic isn't it?" I'm not usually a health food tye eater so I swirl the noodles around with my fork and try and gets as few veggies in the bite as possible.

"You could say that but you know how all the girls want the bad boy. The troubled soul." he takes a big bite before going on. "I guess I was no better. But why didn't you use the ammo you had? And eat the veggies, they're good for you."

I can't help but roll my eyes and take a bite as instructed. I have to admit I may have groaned a little.

"See I'm a good cook." real emotion spreads across his face finally this one is smugness. I find myself smiling too.

"So you I was crapstastic to you and you had a crush on me?" he shrugs his shoulder a little brushing it off. I wish I could.

"I didn't know what to do with it, that's why I didn't say anything. I didn't know what I was, I didn't like girls like my buddies, I didn't really notice guys like that. So I guess for a brief moment I didn't want to be a hypocrite."

The silence stretched out as we ate our lunch. It wasn't a long though before the questions came again.

"So after that you spent how long going on with the pushing and shoving and making my life hell under the guise of you didn't know?"

I want to play I don't know, it would be easy to lie but I can feel something in me screaming to let it all out. Tell him it all and hope not to be swallowing his fist.

"Probably a few months before it happened." I fear I finally pushed him for the first time and I wasn't meaning to. He doesn't say anything he stands and puts his dish in the sink gently. He throws his napkin away and heads to the door. He only said one thing before he left.

"I think I've had enough for today. Thank you." I sit for hours after the door closed quietly.


	25. Chapter 25

Sometime after the sun went down I finally move from my petrified state and do the dishes on auto pilot. All the time everything he said going through my head. He was right this is the aftermath. There was a lot of fall out going into rehab, there would be a lot more when I tell my parents I am not a robot you can program. That was going to be ugly. But this is the important things to clear up. The is the mess I made and though I wish I could fast forward through it I can't and so I fall asleep praying what next comes to me. I was so lost for so long I for once am praying to the fates to step in.

Turns out I have some time to sort it out on my own though. I don't see him again for almost two weeks. When I do it is not a warm and fuzzy he gives me. I stone cold look as the elevator doors close. No emotion at all. I pocket that away.

The next time is a few days later, it's a meeting he has to be at, this time I don't get to see any look because he makes sure he is facing away.

The third time he is looking at his phone, he doesn't see me. He looks hurt, lost, sad.

The fourth time is when I tap on his opened office door, dinner in hand. This time he looks shocked.


	26. Chapter 26

AN: Sorry life got busy but the kicker was FF has not let me on in forever! But It dod tonight and I have chapters to post. I am trucking along and though I have a good amount to post I am not gonna blow up any alerts all at once so I will stagger them. I didn't give up on the story in anyway. It is all coming out.. Lol

I don't get and in or out so I push it, something I'm not use to doing but I do. I push my feet across the threshold into the office and with my head held high I walk over to the sofa and table and sit. His office is much nicer then mine so I am careful as I unpack the food and set it out. By the time I lay the plates and napkins out he has moved. But out of the room. Sitting back I rub my hand over my face and stare at the ceiling.

"What next, a clue please?" The white tiles give me nothing and not a peep from any other sanction of the ether world.

"Next we eat." Emmett strides back into the room with a couple of sodas and sits beside me. Not at touch close but not the far end of the table either.

Nothing is said, he picks up a carton and opens it. Smelling the aroma of the spicey beef I picked for him, he grunts a bit I hope in approval and digs in. I keep watching him as he eats, I can't help it, he inhales the food but has the manners of royalty. He chews throughly wipes his mouth and takes another heaping bite. Male, all male roll off him but he has every touch of the delicate creature he was when we were younger. He lays a napkin on my knee and hands me my fork, pointing to my own food.

"So when did you know Edward?"


	27. Chapter 27

I can only stare, fork full of my shrimp lo mein hanging in the air, noodles slipping through the tines of my fork one by one. I wait a beat or to, I think in shock but decide fuck it. I have been on this roller coaster for awhile now. I shove the lone shrimp left on my fork in my mouth and chew it and the words over before going for it.

"Probably just after I read your notebook. I could probably go back further but.." I just shrug my shoulders.

"Still you took it out on me?" his words had no emotion really, just matter of fact.

Thinking about it I can see what a fucked up thing it was, but knew the why there too.

"Yeah I did. I can't take it back and not sure I would even if I could." I pick a spot on the wall and stare. He is silent doing his even breathing thing.

"You wouldn't" it was a deadpan phrase I have no idea if it was a question or a statement.

"No I know I wouldn't. My life then was living to the image, the image at school and at home. My life was hell enough trying to please them all why the hell would I choose to be a freak and disappointment and make any worse?"

"Huh" and a shoulder shrug. "So taking it out on the little fag helped you in some way?"

"Sadly it did, if I was beating you down about what I was feeling then I didn't have to think about it."

All he does is nod and pick up his food. That get my temper up a bit.


	28. Chapter 28

I feel the familiar anger rise and try to do my 'steps' to calm down. They help with the small things but this not so much. I can feel the anger rising, the what ifs of fate saying what if it was reversed? How the hell can he still let me just walk all over him and whine and still get aways with it all? Finally I can't take his calm any more and I might have spoke a bit louder then I should have.

"How? How are you so calm, well adjusted, at ease with everything?" He doesn't respond right away but I see a tell.

A tense of the jaw mid chew, a hard swallow. Then there is the long drink of his soda. A wipe of the mouth, a careful placement of his food on the table. A hand through the hair, the same hand going to his knee and giving a flex of his fingers down it. Funny I really wouldn't have noticed before, the actions in real time were quick and smooth. They looked like normal mannerisms, but in the tense slowed down moments stretching out I have time to catch every one of them. His fingers tightening to a fist had me scared for a moment.

"I'm calm because what other choice is there as a human?" his elbows go to his knees and his hands clasp. He is facing forward to the room but his head turns to me. "To hurt another person just because you are hurting doesn't make you stronger or better, it makes you weak, it makes you a coward."

The words sting but they are true.

"Also what good would it be to hurt you when you have hurt yourself so bad for so long. I don't kick a man when he is down and I though you hated me forever, I can't remember a time when I didn't just want to love you."


	29. Chapter 29

Love me? Really? Of the million and one things that he could feel about me that wasn't even near the list.

"Excuse me but that is just fucking sick!" I have no other way to put it. I start to pace, he stays in the same position but his head follows me.

"Tell me about it, my parents always wanted me to make an official complaint and couldn't fathom why I wouldn't." He just shrugs and watches me walk a hole in the rug. I'm beginning to hate that shrug of his.

"So because of this sick crush you had, this self loathing, have you. Because of whatever the fuck it was you let me treat you like shit, you let me make your life hell. You let it get to the point, THAT point?" I am practically screaming now. I don't care I can't believe he would, "How could you risk it going that far?"

Still nothing from him.

"What the fuck Emmett? What if?" I let it fall away and now it is my time to say it. "I think I've had enough for now."

I don't hear him follow, I know he won't. I take the stairs to burn energy. I take the time and hope when I get to the bottom the urge to do something stupid is gone.

As the steps click by I flash back to running down stairs, punching a wall or tow, hearing my name yelled out and ignoring it. Tears running down my face as I run up the hill and through the woods. The wanting to feel numb.

As the stairs thud beneath my thick soles the peace I am trying to find gets further and further away. Now my mind is trying to override. Now it is focusing on the big glass doors the street outside, the quickest way to numb it all.

I push through the door to the lobby and a hulking body is blocking the door to the numb.

"No, not on my watch." Emmett hands me my coat and I see past his shoulder his car waiting on the street.


	30. Chapter 30

My eyes are dancing I can feel the madness creeping in, I can feel the sickness creeping in. The crawling of my skin the tightening of it. The twitching wants to start. I am dancing from point to point with my eyes. The floor, the lights through the windows, the flicker of monitors at the security desk. Anywhere but him, his outstretched hand. Anywhere but my own reflection in ten different points around me.

"Face it, you aren't getting around me, there is no way back up since your key card is in the coat in my hand and there is no sweet talking me into handing it over." Now I see emotion, I'm sure it is the need that is reading it there. The smugness on his face, the bitter words are rising to my tongue.

I open my mouth a few times but can't do it for some reason I lock in on his eyes and see it, the gray, the sad gray and there is no joy that I put it there.

"You don't need to babysit me I will be fine. So please just hand over my shit and get out of my way." I try to puff up and show how together I am how okay I am. I steel my face.

"To fucking bad."

"Just let me go Emmett, really lets just bury this and be done with it all." It takes a lot of effort to try and look okay but I think I manage. "Really I'm just gonna go home and go to bed. Nothing to worry about, I'm fine."

He really doesn't look like he is buying it. "Bullshit! You're gonna tell me your skin looking two sizes to tight and your left eye twitching is nothing? It really fucking screams you're fine."

Stubborn might work right about now. So I try to will my twitches to stop, I might be successful. Jut my chin, and...

"Wow I have never swore so much in my life but once again bullshit! Now get your ass over here, out that door and into my car. There is no fucking way in hell I am letting you out in the streets of New York in this state. I opened this can of worms and I am gonna be the one to pour the salt on the fuckers!" it is the most I anger I have ever heard and I am to shocked to do anything but follow orders. As I buckle in and stare at the dash I can't even be sure what just happened. I manage a question though.

"Why would you do this?"

"I told you." he turns the car over and puts it in gear. "Upstairs remember I told you my why."

AN: Last one tonight... I love my cliffies...


	31. Chapter 31

AN: ok so was gonna be done for the night, and wasn't ever going to switch pov I had this come to me and since it is Lisa's b-day I thought what the hell! She is a self proclaimed angst wuss, and has been loving this so why not push it! Lol! Thanks for reading and reviewing. (and I have no idea if this pov will continue or not but the story is rewriting itself so you never know...)

What the fuck am I doing? Hoping to beat him down to the lobby? Giving a damn? Why the fuck should a give a damn. Okay stupid question. I know why I have always known why. There was only one reason I have ever put up with it and lived through it. I wanted to see those green eyes dance with joy. I wanted to see them sparkle because they were happy not glassed over in one of his many states.

I tried, I tried hard especially lately to let it go. I am beyond him, over it, done, swept under the rug. But there I was bouncing my heels hoping my sheer weight will speed the elevator down floors faster. I watched the door and wait hoping I'm not to late. Watching and waiting fearing I am to late until he bursts through the door. Sending up a prayer of thanks that I got there first.

He is like a caged animal, I have no idea really what all was said. I had only one goal. Get him in the car out on the curb. After that, no idea, but that was the goal. Some how I managed, somehow someone or something was on my side.

Trying to figure out what next as I weave in and out of the streets I try to come up with a plan. As I hit the bridge I know where I am going. No idea what will happen when we get there but with Edward I never thought anything through. This time is no different.

Thankfully he seems in a daze, a blank stare out the window and eventually his head lulls to the side and I hear a soft snoring. The panic wearing off, the energy spent has taken all the fight out of him. I dare a glance and his face is relaxed, more relaxed then I have ever seen it. I have been drawn to him all my life but now I see the beauty. But I also can see the damage and the beauty in that also.

The lines in his still young face, the scars from who knows where. The tattoos even. The one on his neck that makes me wonder. The beautiful long scroll that starts under his left ear and wraps around to the same point on the other side. It has been a motto, and anthem of sorts since I can remember. Somehow I feel something is guiding me as his head lulls to turn further into the window and every glance gives me another chance to study the words.

I take one last look as I pull into the garage of my cabin and the light shines on it. He stirs briefly but the light and noise don't wake him at all. I remotely unlock the house and go around to the passenger side of the car. Unbuckling him I lift him out of the car. He is so light, to light in my arms. His head rolls on to my shoulder. As I enter the kitchen and the soft light hits his neck again my voice echos softly off the tiles in the kitchen as I read it out loud.

"And So It goes."


	32. Chapter 32

Hours I spent watching him, I laid him out on the couch. I cover him with a soft blanket and watch from different vantage points. The open bedroom door as I change into loose jeans and a t-shirt, from the kitchen as my bare feet barely register the cool tiles. Out of the corner of my eye as I pretend to take in the view over the lake while the sun rises. Finally I give in when he rolls over facing the back of the couch. I sit on the edge of the coffee table and my fingers hover over his shoulder when his his breathing is shallow, his breath hitches and I pull back suddenly. My hand doesn't stay still long though I move to his hair. His wild hair has always been and obsession of mine. They move slowly down and I think how often I wanted to know what it felt like. Did it out weigh the times I wanted to know why I cared?

Just a strand or two I finally touch it. The wild wave licking his neck, the one between the S and the O. Gently I let it slide between my fingers. He sighs as my hand lightly touches his skin. I let a silent curse slip through my mind. I force myself to stand and move away from him.

I find myself standing in front of the mirror in the bedroom. I don't focus on my reflection though. My sight is drawn down to the silver frame that has been there for the past ten years. The one reason I should not be back here, the reason this is feeling like cheating.

'Or were you cheating with me?' it is a whisper from nowhere, the voice to familiar to deny though. Together so long and knew each other to well. We finished each others thoughts out loud and called B.S. On sight. I'm not sure if he is here or my brain is fried but what ever it is I give the thought pause.

I look again at the picture, his pale face that later burned so badly. The long pale blond hair, normally pulled back so neatly in his leather band whipping around us. His crystal eyes shining with the love he always had for me. It was so easy with us, he and I moved without any stumbles, worked in sync. Never a conflict never a real fight. I can hear him chuckle at that. So easy. A tune pays through my head, a favorite of his, he played it many times over the years.

The voice of his rings out as if he was in the room, 'In every heart, there is a room. A sanctuary safe from harm.'

I lay the frame face down and take leave from my watch to shower.


	33. Chapter 33

Light filters through my closed eyelids and I try to remember what bender I was on. I remember the call of the demons, the itch and want. I just don' remember anything past that point.

The loathing seeps in, the feeling of I was so close to being free. All for nothing because once again it Was all for nothing. I fooled myself one to many times I guess. Thinking that I could handle it all. There is no shovel for this hole, it was started a pebble at a time so many years ago. But the funny thing is a pebble at a time builds up. Each one putting you further and further down.

I won't open my eyes, as long as they are closed I can go to my place. My room, the soothing blue, the calming sound of nothing. My head rests on a pillow sinking in. There is a light blanket on me. It is soft, it is not to heavy, my skin isn't crawling...

Wait... My skin isn't crawling. Other sounds creep in. I can hear rain, soft rain. I smell something cooking. I feel humidity and the air of a vent.

Fog lifts, not a lot but enough for me to realized there is no head pounding, no dizzy feeling..

I test a theory and turn to the sound to my left. Squinting my eyes open as is practice I see light. No pain, there is a brown couch back. Letting my eyes creep up further I see a pale robins egg blue wall. Following it up I am not met with harsh white instead a softer paler version of the same blue. It is nice. To many times I woke up to a soothing wall and met with a painful ceiling. I relish in it and wonder where I was put this time. What facility are they trying this time. Best money can buy was suppose to run out three places ago. The neck sent them over the edge they said.

I will just lay here finally feeling at home for once and wait til the next Nurse Cratchet or Dr. Quack walks in and pretend I am someplace safe.

I'm good a that, pretending. I have been so many places through my recovery. This time I might not even need a book.

I hear a voice, I think it's singing.

"that may be all I need..." it's faint but I like it and then I hear the rain on a pane...


	34. Chapter 34

A?N:BAck again... K the story has taken itself on a new path one I didn't see. I scrapped a whole chunk of chapters but trying to make up for it... Creative minds never stop I guess...

Turning to the actual sound, not the sound bouncing off the walls I slowly take in the surroundings. There is a large room around me, the blue walls meld with peaceful muted tones of charcoal and whites. Nothing harsh, everything flowing into the next edge. It is like nothing I have ever seen. It is like the place was created to take the edge and anxiety off of life. This is for sure a treatment center. It is all to well planned out, over thought.

My eyes land on a sliding door and I can see the rain hitting and rolling down the glass. I am transfixed by the pattern in the center. It runs in a scrolling pattern, the next drop causing a new twist. Then the song again frees me from my trance.

"come and rest your bones with me..." it is soft, out of tune and I don't know but it soothes.

I turn my head and see nothing I expected. The view from my vantage point it a large open room. The divider between myself and the off tune Maroon 5 is only a large kitchen island. On the other side of that island is the large frame of my boss, bouncing from surface to surface. Only he doesn't look anything like I have seen him as of recent. His hair is loose in a mess of mahogany curls, he is in a soft pale blue sweater and his face is relaxed and much younger looking.

I don't even for a moment let the thoughts of how and why slip in. I just watch. He is having his on moment moving around the kitchen, working with what ever he is making without a thought about what he is doing. It is like a ritual, he has done this a hundred times over, he sings a line and taps his tongs, does a turn. Pauses and taps the air and goes back in motion.

He is stuck in time.


	35. Chapter 35

"Morning." There is no change in the movement so I can't figure out if he is talking to me or not. His back is to me and he keeps about his plan of action. I take a chance and answer.

"Morning?" Stretching I take a quick assessment of my body, no pain, no stiffness no chills or shakes. Confusion is all around me.

"Good morning, black?" his voice is even and casual like he has been through this a time or two. This how the fuck did I get there trance.

"Um no, I don't do coffee," my voice is clear as it always is since my recovery. I am shocked by that. "um, tea please, any kind if you have it." I hear the kettle, like and old fashion on the stove kind, whistle.

He keeps moving about and I watch as he pours the hot water in an awaiting cup and moves another to the sink.

His face is in a frozen state of calm. His mannerisms don't change one iota. This has to be some weird trip I'm on.

"What day is it?" I'm scared to ask but what the hell, if it is a trip I will get some trippy answer like 'orange' and I can go from there.

"Well Adam is singing to me, so it must be Sunday." very strange answer yes, but the tone has me knowing it is not a bad trip.

"What happened to Friday and Saturday?" I dare the dreaded questions I usually avoid. Usually I ask get the answer on the day and make my way without another word. Let me say finding your way out of a strange neighborhood is always a hoot and a half.

"Well Friday was the usual, going over progress reports with a nice fish and Saturday was three hours at the gym followed by a movie with a bottle of wine, followed by a good book on my tablet. For you.." I'm not sure I want to hear anymore. It seemed sad, not my lack of knowledge but how stuck he seems.

"What, really what did I do?" I ask just to get him out of his anxious look that seemed to disrupt his peaceful look from before.


	36. Chapter 36

What the hell could be worse? He read off his days like a well worn script. I have never heard a more cut and dry life really. Who in the hell lives life in such a way that they can break stride name off the last, what did he say 48 hours plus and go right back like they didn't miss a step? I mean sure I lost days and weeks at a time but I knew why. He is missing life.

"What about me? Really." I am now pissed, not for my missing time but kind of pissed about how cut and dry his answers seem. I sit up and swing my feet to the floor and wait for the rocking world that doesn't come. Another fucking mystery, great.

He places a hot steamy cup on the side of the island closest to me and one on his side. I can see two plates and steaming food.

"You went out shortly after I got you in my car, you were dead to the world, I carried you in, laid you on the couch took your shoes off and covered you. You tossed and turned a few times but have slept peacefully ever since." his voice was matter of fact, and creepy. Like he was reciting a to do list of court reports.

My feet sink in to the the plush carpet as I push off the couch and wait for the world to spin, which it does but only briefly from have been laying flat so long. I try not to dwell on the fact that he took off not only my shoes but socks. I always hate sleeping in socks. I focus on him in his routine. He is putting the pan in the sink and sitting in a very practiced manor, a grab of the napkin an adjustment of the place setting. All things I have pick up on in treatment after treatment facility. We all have our quirks. Be it junkies or caregivers. We all have our ways to cope.

"Junky or scripts?" I know when he waits for me to pick up my fork or cup first. I pick up my fork.

"Pain meds."


	37. Chapter 37

I knew it couldn't have been his own damage. No, he was always to good and innocent to go that path. But the past is rushing back and biting my ass big time. I knew the hell I put him through. Especially after I found out everything. It only got worse after.

"I'm sorry." It's weak, it's more then a little late but it is all I have.

He digs into his more then average Sunday breakfast and shrugs. "It is what it is" My fork clatters to the plate and echos loud before I even realize it has left my hand.

"Bullshit! Excuse me but I Am gonna have to call it what it is right now!" He startles but doesn't let it show to much as he calmly puts his own fork down without a sound. Sorry, I shouldn't be yelling I know, but this is crap. When the hell are you going to get mad? When are you going to ask for what you deserve? It's really fucked up that someone like me is more pissed about it all then you are."

"What good does it do to be pissed? What will my anger get me?" I can't believe how calm he is. I want to throw shit, yell scream beat on something. But he is sitting there calm and even not an emotion moving across his face.

"It might show you are human. That's the thing, you were always so even keel, content. Thinking back now it wasn't happy I always saw. It was content not happy not sad. Just content and complacent."

"Well I hope you got your wish at least once or twice then." He started clearing his dishes and turned his back to me.

"The meds, it wasn't you was it? You were with a junkie huh? I bet you just took the abuse there too. Yup I bet you took all the crap he fed you too and packed it away in your little complacent box and put on the deadpan face. God forbid you you say something. Lose your temper, walk away. Nope lets keep falling for people that will treat you like shit because we all know that is what you thrive on."


	38. Chapter 38

"You wanna talk about it?" he is standing in the doorway hours later. I am still on the floor. His eyes are red, his cheeks are ruddy. Mine feel swollen and gritty. I still find it in me somewhere to laugh a little.

"What about finally being on the other side of pissing my pants scared?" he winces and I wish I could take it back. I'm really beginning to hate those winces. My never ending memories flip back to, to many of them. "I'm sor"

His hand goes up and he stops me. "I know I know, I am too. I shouldn't have done that but I guess I have to say thank you."

Walking towards me and sinking down beside me I am left flapping my mouth a few times. "Huh?"

He laughs, I think it might be the first time I heard it really. I like it. "Yeah not really something I would think I would say either." he is rubbing his knuckles and I can see some bruising on them. "I guess it's just we"

"Yeah we are." I don't need him to finish, I know we are all messed up, we all have our shit. This is just his. Only one problem. "How much was my fault?"

There is us, the rain, the same music I have heard over and over again replaying from his playlist. Nothing for a long long time.

"I'm not really sure." his voice startles me, I thought we would sit here like this til we turned to stone. "I would say quite a bit or then again maybe none at all. I have no idea."

I snort at that one. I know all to well. "Gonna be the first to say I have no idea about a lot of shit."

Now I hear a snort from him. "Believe me you aren't the first to say it."

"Ouch, that hurts man." I try the overly dramatic grabbing of my chest. It doesn't get a laugh it gets a get over yourself look.

"He was the first guy I ever slept with, the only guy actually. We met at a function for one of my mom's charities. I was technically out but just in words only." I didn't dare speak, "He was kind, and took his time. He was an artist, very quiet and smart. He looked at the world in a way I always had when I read. He saw things in more of a rainbow of colors and contexts. 'Life is boring for to many people, I feel sad for them' he use to say. I got that. People always see black and white, most only see gray. I saw light and colors and angles. So did he. "

I could listen to him talk forever. I gave him no voice for to long and now I hope he never stops talking.


	39. Chapter 39

"He wasn't a junkie, well not til the end." stretching his legs out he cracks a few joints and rubs his legs. "We found out about a year after we got married. Jason went in for a routine physical for his new medical plan and they found it. I guess the chemicals he worked with and the old building his studio was in were the, the magic combo. Lung cancer." he was so straightforward about it all almost flippant some would say. But I guess when you have been there only you would know how to react.

I wish I could say I was a stronger man, I wish I could go back many times over the past hour and numb it out but there is nothing I can do but listen and face it. Stone cold sober and hearing it all, the good, the bad and the really, really down right ugly of his and Jason's life together. I stopped trying to back the tears off long ago and let them fall to my chest soaking my shirt. I don't even know why really truly and I did just sit there. Maybe because I owe him it, maybe because it makes my shit seem less important. Maybe it is the punishment I always figured I deserved but was to chicken shit to face. I needed this but he needed it more. That is why I sit there and listen.

"It got bad when he gave up. Third round was just to much. He went through two more rounds after that. They practically shoved the pills down his throat. Fucking greedy pigs." He isn't putting up the monotone voice, there is true anger there. "They knew it was the end but not a fucking one of them had the balls to tell him. They saw him as just another run of treatments, another pill to push."

After he bowed his head and went silent I was in a no mans land. I was red in the face mad for him. I was pissed at the world and pissed at myself. I had to swallow the self hatred though and reach into a place I knew nothing of. Compassion, caring about someone else and what course I may have played a part in, It is foreign to me. Comfort, what the hell do I know of that? What the hell can I do?

I reach over awkwardly and put my hand on his shoulder. It is a strange pat at first then slow circles. Then the brick wall of a shoulder pushes down and I have my legs pushed flat and his arms wrapped around my thighs as he softly cries into my lap.

A silent plea goes up to them. 'Karma is a bitch, I get it. But what now?'


	40. Chapter 40

It was the only time I had broken down. Through all the treatments, through all the hell. This was the first time I let it all go. As the tears slip away I am thinking back and feeling the soft strokes though my hair, the gentle rubs of the scalp and thinking this may be the first time in my whole life I have let it go. Laid it all out there. Showing something getting to me. I find it ironically beautiful, Jason always believed in meanings and purpose, he spent his brief time here capturing it. I can see him now taking this all in.

"It's all already written in the stars we are mere puppets in the fates grand scheme." I have to laugh a little because even to me his voice in my head, no one else can hear it but I realize what a complete ass he sounded like. Turning my head slightly though I see where I am and the laugh dies.

There is a pair of swollen red tired eyes scanning my face. I should feel self aware. I should feel like a dick for being here. I gave up the power. I gave in and gave over. But the quick look I see is nothing but pain and the sorry he has tried to make clear to me.

"I'm sorry I don't know how o do this." I hope he hears the whispers but I don't trust my voice any loader. I can't look at him, I can't give that.

The backs of his fingers give just the right amount of pressure as they run from just under my ear to my collar bone, over and over again. "It's okay. We can just sit, or talk or whatever."

I don't know what to do with that but I do just that.

"He was cruel at times, promised to stop." I told him who knows how long later.

"I know the promises all to well my through weeks of 'treatment'." his tone wasn't mocking but a new view.

"I hated that I was the freak even though there was someone else to pick on. Deflection was the key." he told me out of the blue. "So strange what I remember now, I felt like the freak but looked like the normal one and now," he cuts off and looks down at his arm laying across my upper chest.

I find myself tracing the lines on his arm that is now across my chest. The harsh black fades into a navy blue and disappears into where I can not longer see it. I like to think the color fades to a peaceful shade but know it in my gut it doesn't.

"Freak is a harsh word, but I think we all feel like it at some point." I shock even myself as I pull the inside of his elbow to my lips and kiss the many scars there. I hear his sharp intake and release his arm. Then it is my turn to catch my breath. His fingers thread through mine and I look at them. Mine are bigger now mine are the stronger. But his feel like they control everything.


	41. Chapter 41

A/N: Hey had a couple days of no updates thanks to the wonderfully glitch ff not letting me log in. Finally decided to reset everything. But here we go again...

Funny something as simple as ten digits and two palms can feel like such a strong thing. I watch them, I watch as my fingers thread through his and our palms touch. It isn't a spark flying or crazy music playing type moment. It is just a real touch. More intimate then a kiss, more real then any sex I have ever had. It was what was called for I guess because my eyes leave his face in some strange slow motion movie type shit and watch as they connect.

There is no real motion just a gentle squeeze here and there to assure each other we are in the same place. After awhile I can't even tell if it is him or me doing it. The only thing I know is I know it is real. His head is on my legs, his hand is in mine and I feel like things are going to maybe, just maybe be okay. Maybe. Even just for a little while.

In real life though things like reality creep in and I guess I am the first to give.

"Hate to really make this awkward but, uhh I have been out for umm a long time and ..." a change in his face scares me and I try to soothe him back down. But he bolts upright. I am relieved our fingers are still joined, even as we are now sitting shoulder to shoulder. "It's okay," I put my free hand on his bent knee. "I just need pee, and well my ass was asleep."

I then see something I had never guessed was there. I dimple. A fucking deep face creasing dimple. Just on one side but it's there and though the amusement doesn't fully reach his eyes I am, little girl with a pony happy.


	42. Chapter 42

As I contemplate all the shit that has gone down, staring at my blood shot, red eyes I do what I never thought I would. I smile at myself in the mirror. I look like shit, I look worn out and broken down and I smile. I am in the bathroom just off his hall way, I left him sitting on the floor no longer smiling but I am still smiling.

I fear I know the reason the dimple disappeared but I know I won't be that asshole when I return. Only problem, how the fuck do I go out there in three day old clothes, scruffy chin, and face that looks like it has been on a weeks long bender and give him any kind of, yup we are good?

Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out... The shakes return for a minute or two. Then my light. A tap at the door.

"I have some sweats and shirts in the cubby if you want a shower." His voice is shaky but strong. "I um, well they may be big but they are all draw string and."

"Got 'em" I smile at the awkward and try not to let the flutters in my stomach get above a twitch. There is no more sound outside the door and I worry about what is going on in his head.

Stepping under the hot spray I take a minute to enjoy the pulsing rejuvenation that is clean. One thing I had always loved was the feeling of a hot shower.

As I slide the soap again and again through my fingers I focus on my hand and fingers. The one his had been in. I focus trying to figure out why such simple things can spark so much. It used to be I had to put a shit ton of bad things into my body to get the feeling. What the hell was I missing? A few minutes of skin on skin, not even any naughty bits of skin, gave me a greater high then I had ever had.

"Then you went and fucked it up." I get to the business of washing and try to figure out the best way to approach it all when I leave the room.

I really need an audio filter too while I'm at it. I finish to caught up in my own thoughts to notice talking on the other side of the door. It is mumbled and low but I can pick out a few words here and there. It's a chant, no a song, 'today is history, tomorrow is a mystery"

So out of tune, so sweet, so scary.


	43. Chapter 43

"Things get so crazy living life just like we do." I don't know where it comes from but I am smiling into the mirror as I try to keep my voice from cracking. I don't sing it out very loud but it seems a good response to what I heard from him.

I want to kick myself in the ass again as I hear sudden shifting and movement down the hall, much further away now. It sounds like busy work and so I finish up. The pants are to long and to wide but thanks to elastic in the legs and a drawstring I make it work. Thankfully the tee is a the kind that is meant to pull tight and show off muscles and fits me like it would any other normal non sculpted person. Running my fingers through my hair and giving my image a once over I decide I am almost presentable and leave the bathroom in a cloud of steam. I just hope what I am coming into is friendly fire.

As I walk down the hall I really don't think it is. I see a very agitated man trying to shove a pan into a spot that clearly it doesn't go into. He has changed, he is now in something similar to what I am in but it looks a whole hell of a lot nicer on him. His hair is crazy out of place showing all it's wild and curly glory. His face is set in grim lines and I can see the little boy he once was. It is a big trigger for me. I recall stealing his pencil. We had to be nine or so. He played it cool but I remember sitting at the top of the slide and breaking it. He was mad, his eyes didn't show it but his jaw and mouth did.

"Tick, tick, tick..." he startles as I come n the room. Wiping his dry hands on a towel he tries to erase the look. "Somethings never change. But I thought you curbed the jaw tick long ago."

His eyes narrow at me a fraction but they don't scare me. "Sometimes they come back when the right person triggers it."


	44. Chapter 44

I think he meant for me to be worried but I can see a smirk play at his lips.

"I'm really sorry, you know about before. I really didn't mean to upset you." I can see a bit of the irritation come back, his eyes go to the floor as he turns to the counter. I give him a minute to compose himself but he doesn't take it he just turns right back around.

"For the record. Yes Jason would have kicked your ass for me then, now I can do my own ass kicking." defensive and hitting it head on. I think my cocky ass mouth and him standing up to it proves that we have broken though in some way.

"Duly noted." I try to hold back my own smile as I take a seat on the stool. "Sometimes I can't stop myself from being an ass."

"Noted that long ago." I can see the smile again that is quickly hidden by the opening of the fridge door.

I can't hold back the smile now, I let it fly full fledged on my face. "Touche'"

"Oh someone went to a fancy highschool." there is a little burn there that after an age he and I went to different schools. All on me of course but I know he doesn't mean anything. The playful tone is nice and somehow I am able to let it slide.

"Well you know only the best for druggy sons of the DA." I wince for a minute in fear of how he will take it but I only hear a snort. A fucking snort. Damn that's cute.

"But of course. So what will the well educated waif like for dinner, chicken or fish?" He is standing back with two white packages in hand looking nowhere at all phased by the banter. For once I am going to go with the flow.

"Well since I am allergic to all fish I will go with the chicken." Reading the labels he walks over to the trash can and throws one away. Goes over to the sink and scrubs his hands under hot water with a lot of soap.

"Um Emmett, you didn't have to do that." Drying his hands he turns to face me with no emotion showing on his face. "I'm betting that was a really nice and pricey, piece of sea food you just 86ed."

"Who said it was the fish? Chicken is cheap my friend." Then I get it, two deep gorgeous dimples. Two.


	45. Chapter 45

He cooked for me, he shared stories, he told jokes and I sat there. Just sat and took it all in. The man was not sad and stuck, he wasn't beaten down by life and all he had been through. Yes it was a sad point , or points in time but he moved on. He didn't seem to let it slow him.

"I wish I had taken the time, learned a lesson or two from you." he ducked his head at that and covered his mouth with a loose fisted hand as he swallowed, it was a show of modesty and humble. To me it was a sign of strength. I give him his moment and change the subject. "So, my last time at treatment they had this group night where we would all get together and waste time with one activity or another. Mostly it was a movie or games things I guess to teach us what to do with our new sober nights." I can't help but roll my eyes at the whole thing. "I mean really teach me I don't have to get wasted that many people enjoy things without being high?"

This time he gave me a look like "really now do you?"

"I have had my moments of clarity." It's true I have had upwards of six months, which I would tell him but I really don't want him to think I gave up after all that work. Somehow I need his faith in me. "Anyway as I was saying after a few weeks they all kind of caught on to my talents and I wasn't allowed to play the games anymore." I look up and see him snickering, it's cute. I try my best not to smile back. "So while they are all playing their board games I decide to watch a movie and start naming off all the place, tv shows and movies I have seen the different actors. Soon I became the game."

"You always could charm them all, have them all coming to you even when you were the reason for your own exclusion.' He looks like he is far away. "I wish I could have learned that talent."

He is leaning on his elbows across from at the island. I mimic his form. I take a good long look at him and just say what so many should have been telling.

"You charmed the ones that count, even some that don't"


	46. Chapter 46

What do you do with a line like that? I have heard some good lines in my day, Jason loved to go to clubs and well though not my scene I have heard a doozy or two. But wow, that was a good one.

He suddenly pulls back and starts playing with the edge of his shirt. And I know it wasn't just in my head. I don't have a ton of one on one these last few years so I'm not sure how to solve this. Let the babbling begin I guess.

"I, um, I didn't mean you weren't um. Shit." He looks hurt, something I have never seen on him so I really don't. "It's just ah, can I buy a vowel?"

He looks at me now void of expression and I am in a limbo of 'oh, fuck'. Then I hear a glorious sound, a bark of sound rolling into a thunderous laugh that sounds to rich to come from someone his size. His laughter is nice and pulls out of the tense but as it goes on a bit to long I start to think over what I was thinking and which part I said out loud. What part was so damn funny. It must show on my face because he starts talking as he tries to catch his breath.

"You clubbing," a gasp, "Mr. Suit and tie" a bit of a fall forward, "leather daddies and oh god the E twinks!" I want to be offended but that is about right. I think about how I must have looked.

After a good long time of joining in on the laughing and a few stories or two I am pretty sure I can skip the crunches tomorrow. Once again a tense situation is dodged.

"You wanna watch something?" nodding my head to the living room and he quirks a brow. I can't help but notice the telltale scar from a piercing that was once there. "What? Afraid your skills are lacking? Have you lost your 'talent'?"

Pushing back and climbing off his stool he tries his best to give the tough guy move pulling up at the waist of my over sized sweats and looking very much more a boy then man in my Stones tee.

"My skills are sharp my man, bring it on. I can beat what ever ya got!" The look in his eyes from the challenge have my mind racing at what to choose. I think I have been had.

A/N sorry guys storms are giving me sketchy net tonight. But trying to get it out to you all! 3


	47. Chapter 47

He tried his best, he really did but in the end there was no contest. I never met a person that could stand to watch a movie or t.v. with me. He did and seemed to have fun with it. He started with the easy ones. I mean really the 'brat pack'? We are talking my sweet spot. Then he got cocky with some classics, but really, my Nana was a Grace Kelly freak. So in the finally moments before he drifted off I had to make a Rat pack to Brat pack joke or two. Then he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

I watched for a good long time. I watched and put to memory every detail. My mind is a strange thing, I can remember a lot of facts, a shit ton of moments, but very few facial expressions or moods. With him I remember all the big ones. Hell not even the big ones just all of them. For some reason as far back as I can go I remember what his face has always looked like. If I wanted to I could run a slide show of them all. I choose to just remember this one. The time I watched him smiling in his sleep because of me. I put that smile there.

Before I know it the sun is making the sky a peaceful blue. The storms have passed and the birds are waking up. I didn't sleep a wink but feel like I have been on a vacation. His not so quiet snore has me holding back a laugh as I get off my numb ass. He is at an awkward angle and I wish I was physically able to change that, but I'm not so I just do my best to help some and cover him with the same blanket I woke up with. Turns out that did the trick. As I lay the blanket across his chest he clutches it to his chin. There is a smile and he slides down into a less painful looking position.

I dare it just because it may be my only shot at it, I run my fingers gently through his curls. I wait for him to move or anything but he doesn't so I dare further and lay my lips to his temple. A simple soft kiss. As I back away I wait for anything but still out.

Letting myself out the door quietly I say the only thing that needs to be said.

"Thank you."


	48. Chapter 48

A/N:sorry didn't mean to scare. The weather is messing with my sat net. All is good folks. Lol...

Walking through the office I keep getting the strangest looks. From the elevator to my assistants desk. The interns that I work with everyone of them gave me odd looks and avoided eye contact when I noticed them watching.

At my desk my door is open and I keep watching the strange looks as they pass my door. I try to concentrate on the work in front of me but it is hard when I hear a shuffle and from time to time someone tripping on the carpet. My intern Will comes in with a file and leaves like he is approaching a caged beast with a big old steak.

There are a few moments of worry about maybe my Friday freak out made the go around. Where I spent the weekend? Some story about my past came up. All justifiable grist but I just want to know. My mind was all on the man I left resting on the couch this morning. I was feeling really positive for a change and now I am getting a bit jittery. I was on a high leaving him on the couch and calling a cab. I made it home in time to shower and change and make it into the office. He is the boss man but I am still on my probationary term so no matter who I spent the weekend with I will do my best to keep this job. Especially after the strides we have made.

It is a few more hours and Angela comes in with an updated report, she herself is no different so I dare ask.

"What the hell is up? Everyone is acting strange, I mean I know my past shit comes up and if I mean I"

"You're smiling." she is right on it.

"What?"

"Well you have had a shit eating grin on your face since you walked in today and frankly everyone is wondering if" my mind is racing with yup they thought I am high, they are all thinking I went out on a binder and now I am high as a kite. I wonder of they were all taking bets on when I will flip out. "well they are wondering if you got laid and who the lucky chick is. They are kind of taking bets that who it is. I am flattered to say I am ranking pretty high right now."

She pushes up her cats eyes glasses and looks a little proud. I sit back and flap my gums a bit. Then I notice the grin she is sporting, like she is so proud of herself and I am trying hard not to be an asshole anymore.

"Well, um, as flattering as that is I," she giggles a bit and holds her hand up.

"Don't worry you are off the hook boss, say no more. I can spot a gay man at thirty paces. I just get so freaking bored sitting out there all day that I let the mill run and give in to my inner musings." it is in that moment when she lays the papers on my desk and winks before she walks out of the room, that I know I have now found my new best friend here.


	49. Chapter 49

The day flew by. Which was strange. Then the next one did too. Then the next. I was enjoying making the office talk, I even noticed it and made Ang a nice chunk of change by Thursday when after most of the week we talked and had lunch together. Went to dinner a night or two leaving the office laughing together.

"I swear fate has been on my side since you came to work here." she threads her arm through mine as we leave the coffee shop Friday morning. She had suggested we meet there int he morning since we lived so close to each other.

I have a fault in my step and leave it to her to not leave it alone.

"What?" she pulls her arm away and gets a bit stiff. It is nothing that she thinks. Some time ago I would have blow it off because, really who is she to me? But then I think, who is she to me? She is my friend. A real one at that, fuck me if I have ever had one of those. Grabbing her waist I fit her back beside me and give her a little. Maybe a test maybe it just feels good to speak my mind and not keep it locked up.

"I just realized I haven't seen him all week. I'm not sure if he is pissed I left or..." Jesus I'm turning into a girl.

"Relax, you said you guys have a past right?" I nod "Well maybe if he knows you like I have fast been coming to," that makes me oddly happy because she really has. I never gave names or anything but I really haven't held much else back. "maybe he just is giving you the space you need."

I have to laugh out at her always positive way of looking at things but I can't get on the same life boat she is on. "Ang, as much as I hope you are right I don't have that kind of faith."

"Well that is a good thing I guess because as far as I can tell, you don't follow faith you side with fate. And let me tell you, so do I. So I am sure on this one."

"Honestly I hope you're right. I really do." My voice is steady but now that I really think about it I'm not to sure about anything again. My confidence of the progress made seems like nothing really. It seems like a small token. Then I just left him, he had no goodbye nothing. Once again I ducked out.

"Stop that shit right the fuck now!" her voice seemed so harsh and scry I had to do a double take. Yup face as stop that shit scary as Nanny Kree's ever was, and she was the scary German kind.

"K" I really like this chick.

More coming and written but weather time and family drama means it may not make it til tomorrow.. Or a bit of few hours for you on the other end of he world!


	50. Chapter 50

What the hell am I doing here? Fucking pompous asshole galore, plastic faced fakes everywhere. Still I am here. Listening to how it is all the rage and so and so has a gay what or what. I have had enough. I am done.

I leave my glass on the bar and try to miss my mother's grasp as I guess rudely break away from another drone going on and on.

"Sweetheart you can't do that." Her tight face and expensive gown give me a bit of a wig out.

"Really mother? I think I have kissed more then enough ass for the week. I have taken off your required week for the charities. Now I want to go back to my home, my work and my life."

I had hopes that she would leave it at that but I knew I shouldn't get that lucky. I hear her very expensive shoes hitting the marble in tiny steps as she tries to keep up with my long strides. When she can't and she is sure she is out of earshot of anyone important she chooses to yell out.

"Please don't go there again." she seems desperate. But it does the trick I do stop, turn and wait for her to catch up. She does and looking down at her I can see she hasn't changed at all really in all these years. Not thanks to genetics though. No, it is thanks to the best money could buy.

"Go where mother? Back to my life and the real world. The one that doesn't involve pretending to care, throwing money at things as we stand around in overpriced gowns and suits drinking $200 a bottle wine eating over priced cuts of meat and saying oh those poor unfortunate people, insert cause here" I even did the air quotes on the last one. "I'm sorry mother but tomorrow is Saturday and I have soccer with my team. I actually don't want to be driving at four in the morning then up at eight."

"Oh please, don't even pretend this is about that. Don't get me wrong, it looks good that you are hands on and involved." She would see it like that, about how it looks. "This is about who you hired. Didn't you learn with that artist husband of yours? You tried to fix him to make up for your early years and what did that get you? You were 31 a widower. He hadn't even made a name for himself. I know you thought you loved him but really weren't you just trying to make up for what..."

Putting my hand up I successfully stopped this train. She had never liked Jason, voiced it all along but now trying to connect things I just can't deal with it.

"Mother I love you, I know where you are going. I will continue to support and show up and play the good son. But I will never, Never be set up with this friends son, nephew or hairdresser. I will not put myself out there to look good."

"Certainly not if you are wagging after that freak who put you through nothing but hell all your life!" her voice is rising and I know her brain has been running overtime. "When your father told me you hired that, that, person" oh she is on a roll now. "All I could do is think about how many nights I sat with you as you cried yourself to sleep."

I had to stifle a laugh and sound sincere for fear I ruin her night with an episode. Putting my hand on her arm I kiss her cheek. But I have as always spoke my mind.

"Mother dear, it was Nanny Kree that was there but I am sure the morning briefings had you quite upset. But really, I am fine thank you for your concern." Brining up the nannies always left her silent and I easily made my way out to the valet.

The drive home was to quiet though, left me with to much time to think. It had been almost a week, he left, I woke up on the couch mid Monday. I was confused but relaxed, and warm. He had covered me with the blanket I had put on him. That reassured me that his leaving wasn't a freak out he didn't leave in a panic. No no one covers someone and makes sure they are comfortable if they are bolting and about to go get a fix. Do they?

A/N: Okay weather here in the midwest is CRAZYY! So I am combining 4 chapters into two just to get them out to you all. I have been scared to write most of the day for fear of a power outage. But I am here and so I am getting it out condensed because net keeps going out.


	51. Chapter 51

The whole way home it played back in my head. I had just taken it for granted that he was okay when he left. Hadn't bothered to check. Left the city, went out to the Hamptons to do the hob knob and suck up for the family. But not once did I worry about what he made of it all. It was a tense few days, he was in bad shape. Such bad shape I took him home, with me. I worried over him and hovered and kept watch. Then a few hours I what? Thought I cured him? Slamming my fist into the steering wheel I feel little of the stings but feel the rock in my gut.

He always said I was to in my head, to on the ball, to robotic to really notice life. I tried, tried hard when reminded. Some how I always slipped back into my ways.

"Fuck you Jason, you fucking gave up!" I know it is stupid, I am screaming at a dead man in the middle of the night on a highway. But I can't hold back the anger. I am so messed in the head. I feel more anger towards myself then anyone or anything and need to get it out. I never had this about my own husband, I never had this about myself, I never got angry over my parents 'It's a new cause" attitude towards everything. But now, now I am upset. No pissed the fuck off! At myself, I pulled another one. I was there for a minute and then gone. There was no drama so I thought arrogantly it's all fine.

"My god I am an ass!" after a hunt for my phone in every pocket and coming up short I finally realize it is playing the music and already plugged in the dash. The flashing blue light should have clued me in but there is no accounting for my brain function tonight. I hit the voice commands and go through all the normal crap on the phone and finally a voice message comes through that has me right to where I need to be.

"Hello sir, Um this is Angela. I um, work with Edward and ah, well I just..." there was a long pause and my fingers started to drum the steering wheel and then twist and white knuckle it.

"Speak woman speak!" the five or ten seconds of her silent stretched out far to long.

"well we are kind of friends and though he doesn't think I know I um, well I do. And um he is kind of on edge about well crap, just, bloody hell, Ang get a thought together." she is obviously nervous. "Well he has had a good week but um it kind of fell to shit. I didn't mean it to and well ahh, crap I shouldn't be doing this." there is a little under the breath swearing and some punching of buttons. Then her voice is a bit louder again. Someone needs to teach this girl about technology. "forget this. Oh god I wish I could erase this..." her babbling ends in a click.

Panic is now full on. I try to remember any function at all. I try to remember how to work my phone hands free. Try to remember who to call to get the info I need. I don't have his number, I have no idea where he lives. Nothing, tomorrow is Saturday he won't be in the office. My brain can't process who to call. I stare at the highway moving into the city. It's all I can do, I can't let my freak out now. I can't do any good if I am in a crash. Then it hits me.

The ring is already calming me. Once, twice, three, four... Okay not so calming. I go under a bridge and my phone cuts out. I hear nothing but the low sound of my playlist, I flash back and redial. Again it rings and rings. Four... five...

"Please not voice, please please please..." well not really calm.

"llo?" oh sweet groggy gloriousness.

"Angela, this is Mr. McCarty, I need a number."

"Who? Huh" oh bless her groggy tired self but I have no time for this.

"This is your boss and I need his number, adress, whatever you can give me and I need it now!"

"Oh shit, I mean..." she is fully awake now thank the gods.


	52. Chapter 52

She swore she overreacted, she tried to reassure me that he was okay but I was not going to buy it until I saw him myself. We had an unspoken thing going. We didn't say we would keep in contact but it was kind of just a given. I got upset and backed off but I tried to make sure he saw me a time or two. Just to know I was there. He had his then where he built up the nerve to come to me and face me and call me out. We had our thing. Then our weekend and then what, I disappear. No way for him to know.

"Shit!" Now I am seeing how I am the one that really may be overreacting. I had that initial rush of fear that I set him back to whatever place he had been at. Now I am seeing that maybe I took it a bit to more serious then maybe it was. Angela said that she may have jumped the gun. But there is something in her voice that had me driving here. There was the 'oh I'm being silly' in her voice but once she explained how she left him and this evening and left with an uneasy feeling that told me she is a second guesser but she is probably also very sharp with her bullshit radar.

So I am sitting here looking at the brownstone address she gave me. She gave me his number too but I couldn't just call. There is to much you can hide on the phone. With his past I am sure he got really good at hiding things. No this needed to be done in person. I steel myself with an inner pep talk and finally get my ass out of the car. I click the alarm and pocket the keys before I can back out. Putting one foot in front of the other I force myself to the steps and somehow up them and into the building.

A quick survey of the doors I climb the stairs all the way to the top where his apartment is. I listen carefully, I can hear a bubbling sound and a motor. A low drone of a t.v. But nothing else, just a lot of white noise. Before I know it consciously my hand is knocking, thankfully it is light. I'm not sure how I manage that since my body is so tight I feel like a time bomb. There is no answer, I try again but I can't let up it is a quiet tapping and my feet are keeping the same beat.

I am about to know the door down the tension is building so bad. I stop the knocking when I hear a curse or ten from the other side of the door. Finally I register a series of locks being freed then finally the door creeks open.

He is scruffy from sleep and his eyes are wild but only in shock. My heart starts beating again and I resume breathing. One step forward I have my hands on his unshaven jaw and my lips pressed to his. I hear a gasp and then his hands are on my hips.

AN: another night of crazy storms but I am going to keep going as long as I can. Things are heating up and coming through! Gotta write til the lightning gets to bad...


	53. Chapter 53

Not gonna lie the night was pure crap. Once I realized it had been a week of not a thing, not even a glimpse it was pure suckville. I have to say Angela did her best to cheer me up. And I really hoped I had done well to play along. We went to work, got lunch then left work and got dinner. It was all on auto as I went through it really though. I didn't know how much that even when he seemed pissed at me I still relied on at least seeing him. Then I hit the slide of great now what did I do, why can't I see I am doing this shit and it was a spiral after that. There wasn't any real work going on, instead of going over and doing the files my eyes would be on the screen but my brain saw the black and white and went to replay every minute of him being back in my life.

After Ang left it got scary, I sat there not knowing how I came to be this person. Someone that relies on someone else to make them normal. Some pathetic freak that can't get through a rough night without crying or thinking of the million reasons why this isn't worth it. The work I had done wasn't for nothing this is just who I am meant to be. The sad fuck sitting on the couch staring at the needle. The one it only took two calls and a sleazy bar to get. The one that can just make it all fade to numb. The one that I sat staring at for lord knows how long.

I wanted it, the creepy voices told me I needed it. The demons in my blacken state told me to do it. The world went black, everything faded.

Here I am, soft lips pressed hard to mine. Fingers crushing into my jaw, thumbs under my chin angling me just right. My fingers pressing into his hips needing to feel more then the expensive fabric beneath.

It wasn't a kiss of desire it was one of need. It was a desperate connection, a force of nature. It was fate bringing two pieces back together. It was the best drug I had ever consumed.

AN: storm bad... Back soon... Just wanted to get a little more out. Promise there is more... tonight...


	54. Chapter 54

I hated to break away but somewhere in there my mind woke up and all the 'oh fuck' started happening. I couldn't distinguish between reality and dream land. I had a mind racing of what the hell is going on and I pushed away and stumbled backwards. Not my finest of moments but this has to be one of those times that shit doesn't add up to the truth and reality.

I stop somewhere between the door and the kitchen island and just stare. He is here, plain as day he is at my door. I can tell that, I know that as fact. He looks, well aside from the rumbled designer tux and crazy hair and wild eyes, he looks perfect. Just like something I would and have dreamed up. But the sting in my lips and the memory senses in my fingertips know this is in fact real. He has a passive look on his face tell me he is doing the facing a bear armed with no more then a stick as a weapon face. I have to laugh at that and I do. Out loud and it won't stop. I really might have lost my mind for good but it feels good to finally laugh like this.

I relish the feel of the ache in my gut from it. I feel the tears down my face. Then I wipe my eyes and take a look at his face. And it all dies. Like that, the joy of finding something truly funny is gone. His face is heart breaking, hand my the razor blade now type hurt.

"Fuck" I think I said that out loud. Scrambling I wipe my face and catch him just as he is turning out the door. "No! Wait!" I catch his arm and fear he will pull away. Lord knows he is strong enough, but he doesn't he stops.

He doesn't look back, he just stops his face is trained on the floor in front of him. But he stopped. I scramble to say something to make him not pull free. His body is lax and I need to think fast in my clouded mind. The only thing I can do is find honesty.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were real."

The dead air screams at me. There is nothing I can hear not even my own breathing. My fingers loosen and I am going to pull away. Then I feel strong fingers cover mine, keeping my hand where it is. They squeeze more then gently.

"I'm real." I wish I could see more then just his profile. But I will take what I get. Foggy brain tries to work.

"Thank god for that, I think you are the only thing that has ever been." Cheesy corny but it is the truth.


	55. Chapter 55

His stopping me was the first thing I think I felt in the past ten minutes. I stared as he backed away, as the laughter about who the fuck knows what took over. I really thought he was flying on something or another. I didn't taste anything on his lips so I knew it wasn't booze but that didn't narrow it down by much.

His words fell on welcoming ears. As cheap romance novel as they were I got it. There was so much in our lives that was do this, say that. Fit here, hide that. That nothing felt real. But us it was real. It was some form of us trying to kick each other in the ass saying 'Hey, dumb ass! Speak up!' but neither of us did.

When I was just about to leave he grounded me though. And that was it. If the last couple of hours hadn't solidified it his hand grasping at my coat did. I am in it til the bitter end. I have to face it I was always that way. It was in my DNA, it was who I have always been. I have always followed through no matter what I get out of it. I care way to much but it is better to care about everything then nothing at all.

So I turn to catch him in the corner of my eye. I don't see him well enough to gauge anything really but his free hand reaches up to my face and turns me. His cool fingers snake around my head to the back and draw me down. I go willingly as he pulls me in the room through the door. I somehow am coordinated enough to kick the door shut sealing us in I hear our breath, I see his eyes focusing on mine our lips hover, my arm rests lightly on his lower back. He walks me back into the closed door. The very slight height difference should make me feel in control. It doesn't.

"Can I?" it is soft and unsure and I have a whole lot of 'oh hell yes you can!' in my head, I only manage a slight nod. Then his mouth is on mine and his tongue is licking its way into mine and my head is dizzy and I am losing control.

For the first time ever I am really feeling him. His chest to mine, his shoulders under my hands. The mouth to mouth is nice but I find the embrace to be the best of it all. All I have ever wanted was him in my arms. To hug him and hold him close. Here he is in my arms. I break the kiss and take my lips across his chin and down his jaw until my head meets his shoulder. I lay my forehead on his collarbone and breathe him in. My hands arm on his lower back, his are on mine and then the world goes black.


	56. Chapter 56

"Anyone else and I would have left you laying there like a lump of coal." I say that and probably mean it. But not for him, no never for him. There was something about his arms around me that told me, this is it. Come clean 100% there is no other thing or person that is going to keep you this focused, this on track or feeling this complete. There is no need for anything else, no drug can take the place, no self destructive path can drown it out. His arms around my waist, his head on my shoulder. That was it, that was home.

Then there was the figuring out how to get two hundred pounds of muscle out of the doorway and to someplace comfortable. Cliche' as it is, it's true and he went down hard. Thankfully the whole lifting a car off a baby shit seemed to take over. Well not so much that strength but I got him to the bedroom. With aid of the tux collar, cringe, and some very hopefully non bruising bumps.

But he is here and he has been for what I am guessing is for a few hours. I have no clock in my bedroom. I found it unsettling many days sober ago. The ticking of the time passing was to hard. So I just now have to wonder how long he has been out, how hard I bumped him or if I should call 911. But I keep track of his pulse, I somehow manage him out of his jacket. I lose the tie, the belt, the shoes. Eventually the dress shirt he has sweated though. His breathing even, and steady. His color good and when the fan kicks in and he shivers, I pull the sheet up over him. He pulls it to his nose just like with the blanket at his house before I left.

It's then I lay down and watch his face. My worries are lifted and I just watch his face, I never forgot it and like this, in my bed , on my pillow, in my arms. I never want to leave. I want to wake him and tell him but I don't at the same time.

He came in. He kissed me, he let me kiss him. He let me hold him. I shake my head in bafflement and confusion. Why the hell?

I am no longer going to worry about the why though. Not when I am getting the chance to have this moment. If nothing else I have this.

AN: Sorry about the no show yesterday. I kind of got sidetracked by hubby. But showering then back at more from the boys.


	57. Chapter 57

There are several things that creep into my groggy mind. First of which is my arm is dead and second I have to pee like a bitch. Then one jumps ahead to first ahead of those. Where the hell am I am why is my arm dead? Peeling my eyes open I see a very unfamiliar ceiling. It is dark, not black not blue somewhere in the color of midnight with a full moon. There is no noise I can decipher but a a small snore. Turning my head I see a mess of wild dark rusty brown hair. The weight that has cut off all feeling to my fingers.

I playback the events I can remember but they still don't tell me how I got here. How I am laying here in, scanning my body, no shoes, no belt no jacket. With a rumpled man laying on my arm nuzzling my side.

He asked to kiss me, I couldn't wait. My whole body was buzzing, the energy was surging and then. "Oh god," I use my free arm to cover my face. I fucking passed out. I went down I am sure of it. "Such a pussy move." I mutter to myself, I hope it was quiet enough. Looking to him quickly he is still out. He looks so peaceful. That is a far cry from how he looked when he first opened the door. Then he looked like he hadn't slept in days, I was so worried he was on something. To get me in this bed maybe he was because I can't image him moving my mass on his own straight.

I have no idea what I am doing here but I don't want to leave this bed. He looks like he hasn't slept in years and has finally found his ambien. I take the time to block out all my discomforts and really look at him.

I have seen him but have tried not to really look at him. All this time we have been playing the back and forth I have tried not to really look. Even when he was on my couch for almost two days I tried not to do more then watch over. I didn't dare take the time to really look at him and see him. It would hurt to much more in the end. But now I am noticing what he wearing first off. That is my shirt, which on me is tight, but on him is a nice reminder of our size difference. The v-neck is lifted revealing his pale stomach just above his small belly button. I lick my lips as my eyes dip further the dark line of hair that dips beneath it and down into my familiar sweats. Sweats that are rolled down to no doubt make them fit his smaller stature. I gulp as my eyes trace the waistband to the etched muscle back and forth. That arrow pointing to where the goods are.

Suddenly my bathroom trip is even more needed, painfully so. Only problem is not waking him. I slowly try sliding my arm out but he fists my undershirt. I find my hand on his locked fist relaxes him. I take a chance and do what my gut tells me as I spy my dress shirt in arms reach. Grabbing it I turn and lay my lips to his temple while turning out from him releasing my arm. Somehow at the same time I magically manage to pull the pillow down and slide my shirt into his hand.

I want to stand above him and watch as his looks confused in his sleep but okay, but I can't. There is little else as painful as having to pee with a boner. Only problem now is I have no idea where I am and no clue as to where the bathroom is.


	58. Chapter 58

Finding my way wasn't hard but the shock was walking into the hall and seeing the glow of daylight. In the bedroom you would never know. There was a soft glow of early morning but I had no idea it was manufactured. Out the hall there is a bright glow that opens into full sun. It is like it is planned to be a transition, an easy wake to the real world.

I want to explore further but feel like I am prying. That and the fact that I know what is waiting back at the calming darker end of that hall. There are no sounds coming from that end and I could easily go and learn more about him going to the opposite end. But it doesn't feel right. Something inside me screams to let him show you.

I stand there looking at the two ends for who knows long. Then the irony of where I am standing hits me. This is him, the light and dark. Do I think I can handle this. I can walk out to the light and go on with my life. I can not have to deal with this unsteady balance. I turn both ways time and time again. My feet move forward, I'm not sure if I can handle this path. The heartache might be to much but my feet move on their own until I feel the cool handle on my palm. Turning it I feel sick to my stomach but walk across the threshold.

"Now you've done it. Now what?"


	59. Chapter 59

There is something off. I feel a lump under my arm, I smell the wonderfulness I have been for the past how ever many hours. I nuzzle into it and the hard muscle gives way to down and cotton. This isn't right.

I watched and waited, I tried for an hour or so to wake him to no avail. Then as he laid there I started watching. His breathing was even and steady. His color was good, he looked comfortable. I left once to get some waters, one on each side table. That was it. That ws when the sun was just about to set.

I watched him, the way his face was soft then relaxed. Only for his head to move side to side and look hurt. After a bit I got brave and when he got like that I touched him. His hair at first. Scared to death I touched his hair and threaded the tips of his curls through my fingers. I watched as they passed through my finger tips and was fascinated before I realized it he was calm again and facing me. He was flat on the pillow and I was propped up on my elbow.

So much crap, too much crap. Really why would he have stayed. I'm glad though he was there.

Fifteen years or so ago I had poured the poison. I had come in after track. He was there doing his thing, no clue why he was there but he was. Him and me, I spotted him there and. I move my face to bury the memories into the pillow I am now cuddled up to. I wish my mind would stop. I wish I had the ability to forget.

I wish charges had been filed I wish I could have paid for it and just been able to erase it all with hate or something other then this. This empty pot of hwo could I, why the fucks and what nows. Nope I am stuck here, no price paid, not a sentence served nothing.

Nothing but a heart full of regret and I am pretty sure now hurt. I think I was realizing what this has been. It was a fantasy type shit but I am pretty sure the ache there was not only guilt. It was something in the heart too.

I feel some stinging in the eyeball type region. There is some twitching and all that goes with it. I curse myself, this is what it is like to feel. Huh. Interesting.

Turning my face into the smell and softness of the pillow I wonder if I can smother myself.

I hear a noise and a creak and then the boom.

"Can we ask What the FUCK is this?" I bolt upright. I am shocked he is there and terrified by what is in his hand. It is the thing that had me on my last knot for the past two days.

At this moment I don't know what scared me more. The beast filling the light at the end of my bed or the dark path he is holding in the form of a needle.


	60. Chapter 60

I was about to open the door back into the bedroom. All set to get back in that bed that was calling me. My hand was on the knob. Then I heard a chirp, that isn't something you hear in the city to often. The light danced and I let the coolness slip from my hand and followed the sound. As I walked down the hall I saw all that I didn't how ever long ago before.

The room is huge, it's a loft type place, but open and sterile. There is minimal furnishings. The furniture is all high end but sparse. The kitchen is basic high end but black and white with stainless steel. The stools are chrome and leather, there are only two. The rest of the space is open and void of art or pictures. In the corner is the chirp I heard. I beautifully ornate cage hanging in the corner with a white and sky blue parakeet in it singing away. I stare at it for a moment or two chirping away in it posh home. It is relaxing watching the small movements. I pull away to check out the rest of his home. There are open windows fitting the style of the building that I could imagine a few chairs at. I could see how it would be a peaceful place to read or listen to music. But it is bare just the blinds bouncing in the wind. The only furniture in the room is a leather couch in black with no blankets, no pillows just the clean sterile lines. Then there is a glossy white coffee table. Pristine with no books or nick knacks. Only what has me boiling. I can feel my muscles tighten one by one as I go closer. I have no idea when I reached the table or how it wound up in my hands but it is there. Cold and full. The end is covered in an orange cape making it look medical and all but I am no idiot. I can put two and two together.

My rage has me seeing red even as I leave the light and thud down the dark hall. There is no fucking way after all we have gone through. Through all the work he has done. I can't even hold it back. Me the king of keeping it soft and mellow, keeping my head even in the face of all the shit. There is no stopping the rage now.

I see the fear on his face but I am so pissed I can't find the give a damn to stop. I screamed at him, I knew how big and pissed I must look but I didn't stop. I screamed, not even knowing what I was really saying and if it made sense. I saw him bolt up right. His eyes went from me to my hand I could see that much. I could see how he clutched the pillow as if it was some sort of protection. Then I heard my self.

"Do you think I have put up with this much crap for this long," my words were fading as he bolted from the bed to a door I hadn't seen before. It opened and closed and all I head was retching. Over and over. No splash sounds at all as I put my forehead to the door and listened. As I turn my back to the door and slide down it I finally hear no more but I make out heavy breathing and I think sobs. My knees come up and I put my arms to them. Leaning forward I let the needle fall and lean my head down and let my own sobs flow.


	61. Chapter 61

Why the hell has it always been so hard? I just don't get it. Why the hell after all of it would you do this? I' sorry, I didn't think I just... I didn't know what to say actually so I went over it again and again in my head.

"I didn't touch it, I mean I did but not in anyway close to using it." Okay random ramblings were out loud. I was about to consciously speak but I felt a soft thud on the other side of the door almost even with my own head. I just wait and feel him in the same spot. "I didn't mean to get it. I mean I did but I don't know. Ang has been great. I never had a real friend before and she like just was there and listened and talked and I found I didn't want to kill her all the time as she droned on and on. So, um,"

I sigh and hope it is quiet enough for him not to hear it. I want to her him talk. This is the most I think I have ever heard him speak at one time. I want more but it is silent on the other side. I wish I heard more but nothing. My mouth is dry and I'm not sure I can even find my voice.

"I haven't had any real practice at this."

I guess my voice was strong enough because I hear a snort and a bark of a laugh. Then there is a long pause. Followed my a scurry and more retching.

"Open the door please." the memories at pounding at the door in my mind. I am trying to hold back the memories. The room is different, the reasons far far different. But I keep all those at bay. Then I do something I told myself for a long time I would never do. I stand up and put my forehead to the door once again and I beg. "Please, I need to know it's you. I need to see you are okay and I promise I won't yell. Right now that is. I can't promise about later, I mean I am kind of pissed and really deserve the right to but I won't"

I am greeted with a soft click and creak. I back up away from the door but not to far. I wait and see a soft beam of light and a very beaten down face greeting me, red swollen blood shot and beautiful. He looks like he has been strung out on god knows what for days. He is shrunk as small as his lanky six foot frame could possibly ever get, there is lord knows what on his, my, his, shirt. I let out a full breath for the first time in my life I think. He is a perfect mess and looks just like my insides feel. I grab him so hard I think I may have broken him but I crush him to me none the less. I am rewarded with his his hands fisting my shirt and his face buried in my shoulder.

"Can I please lay down now? I'm so tired." I hear it soft and it seems not even directed at me but all the same I pick him up and carry him to the bed. As I lay him down I strip the shirt off of him and lay him back.

"I'm sorry but this has to go, it smells." I get a weak smile out of him as I pull the sheet up over him. He grabs the pillow I had placed with him before up to his chin and settles down. I strip out of my slacks and keep an eye on him as he lays there with his face buried. I make sure and stay above the sheet but pull the top cover over and slide in next to him. My eyes never leaving him.

I feel resistance as I pull the pillow from his arms and put it behind my head. He is left curling into himself but I stop that on the spot. Getting comfortable I pry his arms from his side and his body to mine. He is stiff but I work with it, getting him to a safe spot I kiss the top of his head and rib his back.

"It's okay, you didn't tag but it's my turn to watch over again."


	62. Chapter 62

I think I made it a total a good hour but I can't be sure. I held him close and watched his breathing. I watched his bare back, the one that has just the bones of wings in harsh lines tattooed on his shoulders. I traced a time or two the letters on his neck. Then I let my fingers slip to the fine soft hair at the base of his neck. I think that is where I slipped out.

I dreamed of him. Not as we are now but back then, back when it all began to make change. Back when we were just figuring things out.

I wanted him to see Me but I tried to not care when he didn't. That didn't work. For a time I hid in the back not calling attention to me and for a few months I didn't get the harsh treatment. But then I got upset. He didn't notice me. He no longer saw me. I missed him. As fucked up as it was his taunts at least told me he saw me. I remember hormones raging and frustration boiling. I feel my body tensing. I am shaken. I try to hang on to the images. I am feeling the palms on my chest, feel myself being pushed back. It wasn't right it wasn't the same.

"Don't go there. Please," the voice is wrong to old. I am still frightened all the same. I feel myself tremble. "Emmett! Please! Wake up!" It is frantic now. I feel my face grabbed and it is more then a dream for sure. My eyes fly open and I see his face hovering above mine. His eyes are wild and darting all over my face. Pale ghost white and dilated eyes.

"It's not that simple." his face is scared and I know why it is so worried. I can only guess what I spoke in my sleep. I find my body functions again and put my hand to the side of his head. My palm on his jaw, my thumb stroking his cheek and fingers at the back of his neck. I pull him closer. Staring straight into his worried eyes I try my best to reassure him.

I know where I am now. It's okay." I meet very little resistance as I pull his face to mine. It is a soft and gentle kiss. Just a brush of lips to lips before I pull away and manage to move his head to my chest.

Somehow sleep meets us again.


	63. Chapter 63

Why the hell did I go the path I did? I could have had this the whole time. I huge warm chest beneath my face. A strong arm around me. Oh the woulda, coulda, shouldas. They fucking sting like a bitch. I have no idea what time or day it is, I just know that I feel the safest I ever have and the most undeserving.

There are no words for any of it, I have no idea where we go when he wakes up, but for now I am just going to soak it up and pray. They have a plan right, somewhere up there it is all mapped out. It has to be. There can't be any other reason for this to be so hard for this long. I have to believe in that, there is nothing left to go on.

I drift off with that hope of something playing out, because if all the rehabs have taught me anything, it's the pain gives to rewards and this is the hardest pain I have ever been through.

I wish my dreams matched the comfort when I drifted off but they weren't. Once again I was hit with memories. Recent ones they were tense and heartbreaking, a never ending loop of every moment that tells me he shouldn't be here. I wake a time or two, never opening my eyes but drifting back to sleep when I feel him with me. The last time I drift I wish for nothing, not a whisper or a shadow. I try to hang on to his warmth and solid form.

Drifting down I hear a scream, and painful gut wrenching scream of help, please help. I scramble to try and get to the top of a never ending staircase. My legs are burning, my heels hurt from pounding the concrete so hard. I hear the cries and they never stop, never get louder there is no reaching them or getting away from them. I am in a constant loop.

Just when I am determined to give up and sit down I feel a warm heaviness on my shoulder. There is an ease to everything. The crying and screaming is faint until it disappears. I fear if I look I will find myself alone, that it is all in my head again. But I take the chance and turn my head and look. Emmett is there, the fog is gone and my eyes are open. He is there, his hand running from the base of my skull down to my shoulder blades over and over.

"Welcome back." his sad smile tells me he has been watching my for some time. "I would ask where you have been but I am afraid I know the answer."

I watch him and his hand keeps moving. There is no sudden movements, nothing that will 'spook' me. Just even breathing and slow strokes. I feel the bile rise again and start to tense, my hand tries to push off his chest and his arm gets stronger on my back. Holding me to the bed.

"Uh-uh, nope we aren't taking the steps back. And you aren't moving unless it is to go shower. We have had to much of this shit. We need this. We need to shower too but that is about the only separation we are getting til this is done. One way or the other."

There is clearly no space to argue, no way I am getting out of this. He is right we should, but the thought of it all is overwhelming. Then it hits me, I have no idea what day it is or time.

"Work, shit I,"

"You're laying here with the boss. Nice try." the fight or flight is taking over my heart is racing.

"My probation, the terms with,"

"You're laying here with the boss." he keeps his tone calm and low and steady. It is rock solid.

"I haven't checked my phone in who knows how long. I mean Ang,"

"I talked to her before I came over here. She knows you are okay or I would have called her." he has it all planned out I guess. "The only way you are getting out of this bed is to take your ass in the bathroom and get in the shower. You stink just about as bad as I do."

I look at him again and there is no fucking with him. No way out. I feel his arm loosen on my back and I ease up, not taking my eyes from him I slowly push to standing. He's watching me, not in a threatening way just a no bullshitting way. I leave to bathroom door cracked and get in the hot shower.


	64. Chapter 64

The hot water felt amazing and had me thinking clearer. I could find a base self. A place where I am sure this is all real. I know I am awake, I know I am clean, and I know he is here. That part has me unsure what to think though. I have been drowning in my own hell for so long but him on the other side of the door. What the hell was that that made me snap out of my own shit?

I know as I am letting the spray hit my chest and feel the steam clearing my head. I know exactly what it was. It was the pain in his voice. It was the same back then. I wanted the pain in his eyes to see I got to him in some way but the hearing how much put the brakes on. It was the fact that he had shit too. He had real pain too. And his was greater then mine. I wanted to do what ever I could to just make it stop. I would do anything to make it stop. If that meant pulling my head out of the proverbial ass then it was going to happen for him.

He was scared and all he wanted to do was see me then that was what I would do for him. Bile covered looking strung out, yup I let the knob fit in my palm and I made the choice to face it. Face it all.

I haven't been very clear on my own path for, well ever, I did what I did to look right, I did what I did to keep someone pleased and not cutting me off or out. I never wanted to do it, any of it but I did and I squeaked by. Now as I towel off and brush my teeth I have a strange feeling in my gut. I want to do this. Not for me in anyway shape or form but I want to do this for him.

I want to help him. I want to heal him, I want to make him feel like he is more then good enough, he is more perfect then all of us and not a single one of us is good enough for him.

After I throw on some clean boxers and a shirt I leave the bathroom feeling resolved. Dead set on yes we are going to get this shit figured out. The bed is empty, his clothes are gone. There is nothing there, just a dent in the bed where he had been. Panic sets in, I feel my heart sink, then,

"Hall-a-fucking- elujah" the most glorious sight ever, his shoes sticking out from the edge of the bed. Then the sound of the shower in the hall bath running. I send up a quick thanks to the beings above. Then I scramble, what the fuck do I have him to wear?


	65. Chapter 65

I may be getting through to him. Okay so the boss card might have been a dirty play but hey if he has no out? Well he has no out. I am beyond playing fair at this point. Neither of us can go on like this anymore. He is on a tightrope every minute of everyday and I am drowning myself in work and routine. Nope this has to end now.

Once I am sure he is in the shower to stay and smile that he left the door open in faith and push myself off my ass. I gather my clothes on my way and head to the bath down the hall. I know that they are rank but at least they will be on a clean body.

As I wait for the spray to heat p I take the time to look at myself in the mirror. I look tired even though I have slept, I look aged even though it has only been a few days but I look happy. I think about that hard as I step under the spray. I am beat down and torn up and know nothing is going to get any easier. In fact it will probably get down right ugly before it gets better. But I Am happy.

It has been decades of hurt. Even when he wasn't there it was still a ton of pain. But he has always been my north. It always points to him.

I have no idea where we go next but thanks to the excess I have we have nothing but time here to figure it out. No matter how ugly it gets. I try to figure it out a move at a time, first move being. "What the fuck do I wear, smelly tux," I mutter to myself as the door I left ajar creaks open a little more and I catch the sight of his tiger tattooed arm leaving clothes on the sink. I pretend not to see it as the door creaks back.

I feel like my face is going to split in two from the smile it is sporting.

A/N: I have to just put a quick note in here and say, these boys have gotten away from me. What was suppose to be a quick story well, they said no. As far as how long until the action hits. Well, honestly it wasn't ever about that so I have no idea. It may happen may not. If you are looking for a smutty roll in the hay it isn't the story I have been telling so you may be disappointed. Sorry but I am telling a story not anything else. I will tell what is right for it. Thank you all that have embraced this little ditty and stuck with it no matter how long it stretches on. Hearts and kisses to all of you! Also a mad crazy call out that it was a crazy awesome days for all people in the USA! We made it one more step closer to all people being respected! Someday my daughter will be able to have the rights as everyone else and my friends relationships will be a so what! (=)


	66. Chapter 66

"Nut hut or rehab?"

The humor in his tone makes me smile. I had nothing that would fit him but what my klepto ways had produced. Hospital scrubs were a one size kind of thing.

I smile to myself as I answer, "Nut hut."

His laughter is so full it startles me but I find my smile getting bigger.

"Appropriate."

"I thought so." I try my best to remember what I am doing. I remember everything but with him in the room my thoughts are all torn and mixed up. I was trying to make Nanny Kree's banana pancakes. I only saw her actually put them together a time or two and she always turned at one point. But I am gonna try.

"You cook?" I hear him pull out a stool and sit, I'm thankful he isn't to close, but still with him in the room I feel off. The distraction is nice, it makes the voices go away. It makes the slide show hazy.

"Ahh no not really" I tap my forehead as I catch his face out the corner of my eye. I catch not enough to register. A little trick I picked up. "I am trying?"

I hear him try to keep the laughter low and soft. I have to smile as I keep my back to him and try to remember what I was looking in the fridge for. Then I hear it burst out.

"Forget something." his barking laughter is teeth grinding and spine tingling. There is clearly only one response needed.

Flipping him the bird over my shoulder I grab at the first thing in sight. Thankfully it happens to be orange juice.

"Nice save." I do look at him and he is doing an over dramatic whistle off into no where. My mouth goes dry.

"I could have sworn I left a tee in there. Did it go missing?" He is sitting there look very bare, and I can't think. I am no good when I can't think. I need to not be scrambled. I count on my sober mind to be on alert. He is there with only a span of black granite between us, looking naked, tan well defined chest, broad shoulders. Turning away before I can make the. Fuck it no there is no time frame .That image is burned deep and will never go away.

"Well even if I tried my best it would have ripped at every seam, I wasn't sure if I should go the Hulk or the Rock." he seemed calm and casual a bit. Well I was trying to read that into it but really he was sounding flirty.

"It's fine, really," I want to scream put a fucking trash bag on anything but I manage to keep my cool. "I am just um glad I had anything that might work."

I try my best to plate the food and get the vision of how he is out of my head. It had gone much better in there before I saw him.

"I could always go grab a sheet and make a toga" great that is all I need is him looking even more god like.

"Um no it's fine. I will have this ready in a minute or two." I try to sound calm and together. Try but yup not working.

"No hurry, I kind of like seeing this side of you." there is a laugh in his voice. I have to wonder is it the actual visual or the flustered state I am in. Turning around quickly I know the answer.


	67. Chapter 67

My usual sharp reflexes fail me as he turns sharply and swiftly catches me blatantly staring at his ass. I probably shouldn't be because of all the shit, but there is no helping it. The man is built to perfection. All long lines and lean muscle.

His raised brow and cocked head have me slightly red, I try to shrug it off like it's all cool but I really hope he wants to eat here at the counter. Scrubs don't hide much.

"You are so busted." his joking tone is refreshing.

"So I am, I can't help it though not much else to look at in here." he does a funny twisty move with his mouth and looks around.

"I really don't need much and it's not like I have people over or anything." he shrugs and sets what I suppose is a plate of pancakes in front of me. There is the sadness again, I'm going to have to figure out how to stop getting that look.

"What's this then?"

"Pancakes" he passes the syrup.

"If you say so." I send him a wink to tell him I'm joking.

He looks at his own plate and I can see the doubt he is having about trying them himself. He looks scared and glances up at me.

I brave it and dig into a bite. I am enthusiastic as I cut off a big hunk. I smile as I bring it to my lips. Then it hits my tongue and I freeze. My eyes start to water from holding back a gag.

I get the oh please look from his as he cuts off his own bite. Frantically I wave my hands to warn him not to but I am choking and gagging on what is in my mouth. By the time I locate the trash and spit I am to late and he is at the sink gagging and spitting then letting the water run into and over his mouth. Meanwhile I grab the whole pitcher of oj and down it.

"Oh my god. What the hell?" He is wiping his mouth on the back of his hand like there is acid there.

"Well obviously your super power doesn't do cooking." I can't help but smile at it all.

"Obviously. Grabbing both pate he throws them in the sink and pulls a frozen pizza out of the fridge. "Pizza?"

Taking it from him I take care of putting it in the oven. "I think you have done enough damage for one day."

He huffs but I can tell it is all in good humor and he sinks into the stool I had been at.

"I could have done that you know. I'm not a complete loss in the kitchen." Something tells me that isn't true and I try to say so with my look.

"What else can you make?"

"I make a mean pb&j." he laughs. I love that sound.

"Well lucky for you I'm a trained chef." I'm not sure where I am going with that but it seems important to remind him.


	68. Chapter 68

"Why is that lucky for me?" I have had enough of the saying things and leaving them hanging. I want to get to it. I don't even know what day it is but I want to know what all this is. What it all means.

"Well frankly I find it best to put all my qualities out there. If we get through all this crap then the information may bode well for me." well there it is huh.

"I also can bench 300, I have run two marathons, am fluent in four languages, am on the board of more charities then I can count. I have a masters from Yale, can ski and sail and I hate mushrooms."

All the while he is reciting his resume of sorts he is moving around casually cleaning up the mess of my failed attempts. I tried to get a word in to tell him to stop but he just kept talking. He seemed comfortable in the tasks. Like it is a coping comfort.

"I have traveled to the UK but never made it to France. I would love to go to Australia someday. I love dogs but am allergic to them. I have only had," he was cut off by the timer. I think he is happy about that because he was on a more personal path in the end there.

I have no idea where to start or what to run with here so I am silent and thinking as he cuts the pizza and puts it and some paper towels in front of us.

I watch as his picks the mushrooms off his pizza and puts them on the paper towel. I know where to start. Picking up the offending fungi I pop one into my mouth.

"Well I love mushrooms and have been to France but never the UK."

A/N: it is a happy writing day. As loud as my kids are the boys are talking up a storm. So It will be one of those wacky here and there all day and nights updates. They are getting to be cute hope it lasts for a bit before the heavy shit comes out again.


	69. Chapter 69

"You really went to jail?" He looks shocked which I find funny.

"Yup apparently that's what happens when you whip it out and let go on a cop car, well hand said cops foot." The laughter crinkles his eyes and make him of all things look younger.

"I bet your parents were so proud."

"Oh yes that was a great weekend. After a lavish graduation party the model son gets smashed off stolen schnapps and jump in the neighbors pool. To my defence though, I thought it was our pool. All that posh crap looks the same when you're drunk."

"So they didn't bail you out?" he is holding his sides from all the laughing.

"Nope they left me there overnight. It was a life lesson they said. Frankly all I learned is I will never drink anything peach ever again." Shifting on the couch I stretch my leg out and it lays along the edge close to him. Not touching but close enough to feel his warmth. Long after the pizza was gone we sat here, watching the sun go down and sharing stories, watching his bird, Craig. Or just looking out the window.

"So how about you, and do any time in the big house?" I know things can go south from here with the one question but if we are ever going to stop being dramatic and start getting somewhere it had to happen.

Shifting back and forth he puts his arm on the back of the couch and leans he head into his hand. He does a bit of a hair pull head scratch thing but then looks at me.

"Nah, I was a straight to Betty Ford kind of guy. Did my first stint at a rehab before I was even out of high school." I didn't want him to be uncomfortable and honestly didn't know how much I could take. Hearing how far back his problem went kind of make me ache.

"It was bad, so bad." his face is blank. "My parents were so scared, they found," he puts his hand to his mouth and turns his face to the wall. I am on the verge of telling him to stop then he burst out laughing. "They found a joint in my sock drawer."

I just stare at him processing what he said then my jaw drops.

"They sent you to rehab for pot?" I live a very clean life but even I think that is extreme. "What the hell?"

"I know they thought that was bad, sent me to a 'camp' but it was kiddie rehab. Little did they know I learned more in there about drugs then I ever did anywhere else."

Sadly it is probably true. But I wonder if it made a difference in the tale of everything.

"I think we are all on a path that is predesigned do you think it would have?"

"Yeah I do, I agree it was going to happen no matter what." We both ponder that for a good long time, the silence is comforting especially as he lays his hand on my leg, his fingers trace the pattern.

"Did your parents ever have a problem with you being gay?" we are back to question and answer time. It was just an easy slide back into it.


	70. Chapter 70

"Not really, I mean if it was they didn't let it show to me. I always figured they had their talk about it and maybe were upset but then true to her nature my mother just used it as a chance to get into more social circles and be on more charities." I have to believe that had to hurt him some. "She is very into the charities and how things look. She can put a spin on anything."

"That's kind of sad Em." I watch and wait for him to look at me. His eyes are on my hand on his leg. He finally breaks and looks at me.

"Well how did your parents feel about it?"

"That's an easy one, they don't. They refuse to acknowledge it so there is no way to feel about it."

"Now that's sad." he made a sound between a laugh and a grunt.

"Not really, I mean I gave them plenty else to feel about." I really never cared what they thought anyway so for me it wasn't an issue. "What about your husband?" The word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

"I'm pretty sure he felt great about me being gay. Might have even been why we were married." The magazine I whipped at him hit him square in the chest.

"Smart ass."

There seems to be a wave of things floating across his face, the whole spectrum of feelings.

"What do you want to know about him?"

That is the question now isn't it, I want to say nothing, everything, why him. I want to know but I don't, I want to know why he chose him, how did he know after only being with one man. I can't really tell if I want to or not so I go with a generic one.

"Tell me anything you want." He was looking at my arm from wrist to neck and back down again. On the third pass he looked at me with a smile.

"I have an idea, how about tit for tat. I will tell you something and you answer my questions."

"I think I may be getting the scarier end of the deal here." he squints a bit at me almost a glare, "Fine okay fine."

"What do you want to know first."

A/N: So looks like they might talk awhile. So not even guessing on chapter count. Hope I didn't scare readers off with my note a few chapters back. I am not sure how far these guys are going to go but I can say that they are finding a flirty sexy talk groove. The little things are optimistic looking... Gonna hang with bff who just got back from a mini vacay with his BF so there will be a lull in updates. But you all know me I write and post in the wee hours... *smooches*


	71. Chapter 71

A/N: Missed a day sorry. :( Bff is moving out of town (a hour and a half away) to move in with his BF (my nephew *squee) so I was spending time with him but here I am back at it!

"How did you meet?" simple enough, a test the waters question. I hope. I' not sure how much I want to hear but I know damn well he is going to want to know everything from me. So I will ease into it.

"Yale, in the courtyard." he looked smug and satisfied. "Which was your first one?" he motions to my arm.

I turn my wrist over and show the two interlocking stars there. "This one"

"What?" I wag my finger at him.

" Uh uh uh, no you don't." He clammed up and rolled his hand at me to carry one. "Thank you, who approached who?"

"Him to me." dang this was gonna be a tough nut. "Why the stars?"

"I was drunk and it was a whim." I can play the game too. "Did he have a pick up line?"

"Why does it matter?" my turn to give the glare at his answer. He rolls his eyes but answers. "Not that I am aware of. He said hi."

"That really doesn't," I stop speaking when his hand grabs my ankle and pulls my leg down beside him. We are mirror images as he puts his hand on top of my leg.

"You were saying?" how the hell is he so calm with all this contact while awake? I try to fake it and remember what I was going to say.

"Um yeah ah, well that doesn't sound like a sweep you off your feet moment."

"It wasn't. We weren't ever like that." Oh but you deserve it. I wish he would say more and I itch to ask. But it's not my turn.

"What was your last one?" I point to my neck in answer. "Wh," I smile and he stops.

"What was it like with him?" I can't bring myself to call him what he was or even say his name. I know it isn't right to hold a grudge against the dead or think ill thoughts. It was irrational and made no sense but it was there.

He ponders, I can actually see his thoughts gather. Like he is trying to find a way to word it. All the time he is thinking I seem to ground myself while waiting by watching my hand on his leg. Reminding myself that it is me here now.

"I don't know how it was, I guess I would say easy?"I cock my brow and look up under my lashes at him. "Well for a good long time it was."

"And then it wasn't?" he shakes his head at me but not in response to what I said.

"Why those words?" That was an easy one.

"I love the song and kind of took it as a motto after my last stint."

He nods and changes up the pattern he is tracing. "It's a good one."

"Yeah it is." he has a little smile on his face that makes me smile and I know what I want to ask him.

"Did he make you smile like that?" the smile slips.


	72. Chapter 72

"He had his moments."

"Well I' sure he did but I mean did he make you smile like you are now. Just sitting here with me just talking?" He looks at our bodies next to each other and the smile widens.

"Nope you are out of turn again. Did you date anyone special?" It was worth a shot sneaking it in there.

"Nope never dated." now his mouth drops open.

"No one ever? You have never had a boyfriend?" This back and forth has to stop at some point so unlike him I let it slide and decide to answer.

"Nope I wasn't much of one for commitment. Frankly I never found anyone that I wanted to give that title to." I keep quiet with the part that I was to fucked up to keep one even if I had one. I'm pretty sure that part can go without saying.

"But you have," he blushes, it's cute. I let him sweat a bit. Sure I'm an ass for letting him turn so many shades of red but I am letting him ask all the questions he can pay a bit.

As he starts to pick at an imaginary thread on my pants I can't take it anymore. Trying not to laugh to hard I finally give in.

"Yes I have had sex Emmett." that seemed to fluster him even more. I can only guess the other things going through his mine so I go ahead and give the whole answer. The way he looks it doesn't seem fair to make him try and ask. As cute and sexy as I find him flustered I am afraid he may have a coronary if he has to ask.

"I Have had quite a few partners, I wasn't always safe but thank the gods I am clean, and I am a switch hitter." I through the last part in just for sheer fun of it seeing what he would do with it.

Bolting from the couch wasn't what I expected.


	73. Chapter 73

I wanted to know, I did. I am the one that took the conversation on that path. I just got a hell of a lot of confused when he answered. I mean I thought he would cut me off at some point. It had been back and forth. We weren't letting the other stray from that. But he let it out there.

I had no idea what I was thinking. I was just shocked at first that he never had a partner. I mean I figured he wasn't a virgin somewhere but I mean I, I have no clue. Then he let it all out there and I got it in the head how different we were. So now I look at myself in the mirror. Really look. I am half naked, wild hair and a face full of confusion, I look. Well I look strung out.

I have no idea what I am doing here. No clue how this is suppose to play out I was just running with my gut. I had two weeks off and now ten days of that were gone. I didn't know if I should be giving him the time off, if it will help or hurt. Hell I hadn't even checked in in god knows how long. On the way here I gave my assistant a call and let her know I would be off grid for a few days but I am sure there are a ton of messages waiting for me. For once since Jason died I really don't care either.

After he passed I threw myself into my work. I had spent so long taking care of him and being the responsible one, even in the end when he was lost in a haze of pills and pain. I was there. I had taken to going to a day or two of work at the most so I was there. Then it all fell apart. Then he was gone and I had no idea what to do.

So I worked. I built my power and kept busy, found a routine. I had a routine. Now I don't .Three days and I have no more of the routine to rely on. I am lost. As far back as I go though I always had one. Now I don't and hearing how he lived so free and out there it goes against everything I had ever lived by. How maybe it should be. How life might have been lived. There is always a fine line between success and happiness. Is it a choice? Do We have to choose. I did and what am I left now? This crap of being cautious has to end. When have I ever taken a real chance?

Seeing my tux jacket hanging on the back of the door I reach in the pocket and send off a quick email. My hands are shaking hard the whole time but I refuse to second guess myself.

As I hit send I hear a tapping, then the soft thud of his head hitting the door.

"Emmett?" his voice is small, and sad. "Are you okay?" I want to tell him I'm not sure but the take charge side of me won't let me. Instead with shaking hands I reach for the door and slowly open it, just in case he is relying on it for support. He must have felt it or saw the doorknob move because as I open it I see him on the other side slightly back but close.

"Sorry I had to have a moment." he looks scared and not sure. I can't help it, I pull him close and he comes in willingly. His hands fist between my shoulders and mine fit low on his back.

Yes I did make the right choice. He shakes.

"Shh, I'm fine."


	74. Chapter 74

Worry is a new emotion for me. It has never really crossed my grid, ever. But in the span of a month I find it coming up more times then I can count. That, well, worries me. I stared at that door for so long. I worried if I gave to much, shared to much. I worried he was looking for the chance to bolt. I stayed back in position to duck out of view if the door opened and he was dressed again. I worried if I would have to watch him leave. He should, he should walk, no run out of here. He should cut all ties break free.

Pulling me close, no fucking way I could have called that. No way I deserved that. Him telling me it was okay? He was okay? I haven't been that fucked in the head on even the hardest of shit. But I will take it. And I take him. Down the hall to my room, to my bed. I drag him by the hand and feel no resistance which I take as a good sign.

He willingly follows and as I crawl from the end of the bed up to the top, never letting go he follows. My head finds part of the pillow, as it sinks in and I lay back I still feel our hands joined but the turn of them as he doesn't lay beside me but covers my body with his.

A/N: spotty FF for me tonight... I am trying... Short one I know and well...Tease tease tease. *not sorry* lol


	75. Chapter 75

Face to face I have no idea what I am doing. I am above him. He is there, I feel him through thin fabric. My bare chest to his thinly covered one. We both are more then worse for the wear, but it has no real play here. We are both here. A ton of hell worked through and a hell of a lot more. But we have both been on the other side of that door. We have both been through the pits of hell. Apart and together now, and we are still here. We are still in one piece. No one has been hurt beyond repair. I hope.

"What are we?" I stare at his confused but happy face.

"Shh" I smile as I descend, my mind doing a whole lot of holy crap am i really doing this. Then my mouth is on his and I don't even go slow. My teeth find his plump lower lip and I latch on. My teeth give a gentle tug as my tongue licks it. I hear a soft groan and know it's not from me so I take that as a good sign and move on. I'm not brave enough to fully go forward. At the last second I chicken out. Thank god he doesn't.

His hand that had been passive beside us was at the back of my head the minute I started to back away. They weren't tight and I could feel is worry but try to show him how much I know what is going on. He still backs off a bit just as we are about to get to where I need. Our mouths are side by side. I hear him breathing hard. I feel him trying to get control.

"I know what is going on. I know who I am with and what is going on." I whisper into his cheek.

I pull back and we lock eyes. His dart all over the place before locking on mine then going to my mouth.

"Thank the fates" Then I am pulled down into him. Lord have mercy I have never been kissed like this.


	76. Chapter 76

A/N: FF has not liked me or maybe my system the past few days. I tried for 3 hours to load the other night. They are still going and I will try my best here. Please still love the boys? Tell me if you do! *smooches*

Rhyme, reason. Fate, plans. Yup fuck all that shit. This right here is it. I don't give a damn if it is for a minute or two or the rest of my life. I hope for the latter, but I can right at this moment say I will take what ever.

He is my blanket and savior. Him above me but giving me a bit of control. Perfection. Our mouths so tentative and trying. It is new and meeting all that you test out. It is amazing. All at once I understand. It is a hail mary and a slam dunk all at once It is like all I have been through has been worth it and for all that I have done not worthy all at once.

I have always been one for the dramatic but I can't even go far enough to make this kiss worthy of the best of flaming queens dramatic enough. Him and I?

I have to break away. I feel heat in the corners of my eyes. I feel the sudden irrational creeping in. I try to get away, I feel the salty burn behind my lids and I try to turn away and blink it away. I try to bolt but there is no way with his weight on me.

"As a guy once told me, shh don't don't go there." His strong hand pulls my chin to face him and the first one slides from the corner of my eye, running down my temple and down to the pillow. I recall telling him that when he was tossing and turning. His face reassures me and my hand finds the back of his head and once again I crush us together.

I give him the lead and soon there are hands everywhere. Nipping and biting and lots of moans. My hands run down his back and pull our mutual erections together. I shiver at the contact, or maybe it was him. Even with the clothes between us the electricity is there. Pulsing and coursing through our bodies. His hips roll into mine and causes the best friction. We groan into each others mouths. My hands go lower and I am rewarded with two handfuls fo tight firm flexing ass. He repeats the push and pull. I have no idea if I am going to be able to last much longer but with his quickening speed I don't think he is either.

"I can't stop." he pants against my mouth.

"So don't" I barely manage as I feel the tightening and tingling coursing up. The permission was all it took to send us both toppling over. He tensed in the most glorious of ways, his arms wrapped under my shoulders and mine on his back as I arched into him. I can't say who was making what sound but it was loud and strangled cries of relief.

Dripping sweat we come back to earth and I wait for the panic to set in. I wait for something to go down. The after is always the worst. Freeing his hand, only one, he wipes the sweat from his brow. Then I wait for the push off as he stares at the ceiling. He doesn't, he reaches down and wipes my own face and smiles. Then laughs.

"I'm not sure how much of the wet is yours or mine." his knuckles trace down my face and he leans in and nips my lips.

I can only stare blankly, completely confused.


	77. Chapter 77

"Um I think it is equal" my eyes motion down and he lets out his beautiful bark of a laugh. Then he rolls off of me. I wish I was as strong as him to hold him there but I' not so I let him go.

There is a cold wet feeling all over especially in the dick region. I am trying to figure out the best option here and he saves me. He shudders and bolts up.

"Damn, now that is not right." Looking back at me he must see something on my face because he laughs again. "Oh, come on it's funny. Here how about this, I will take the hall shower you use yours and we meet back here?"

I flap my face hole at him a few times but nothing manages to come out so I just nod. He grabs my hand and pulls me up like I am a rag doll, kisses my nose and whistles as he goes down the hall. I don't move til I hear him from down the hall.

"Make it snappy cupcake, don't think just do." Who the hell is he?

I move but the whole time I can't figure out who this man is. Normally showering is a very quick in and out thing. I have always had problems with the echoing of a bathroom and the sterile coldness. This time I stand under the spray just trying to figure this all out.

I have no clue how long I am there until I here a knuckle wrap on the door followed by a much softer then before voice.

"Are you okay? Ed? Do you need more time?" The body wash shoots out of my hands and bounces all around the shower as I try to catch it and turn in circles I hit my shoulder on the water knob. Then my feet slip and I go down hard ass first.

Another knock, this time panicked "Jesus Fucking Christ! What the hell is going on in there?" He really sounds ready to break down the door as I sit here with the water running cold and still haven't caught the damn bottle.

I can't help it, I laugh, which hurts my ass that hit the damn marble tile hard. So it is more of a laugh wince kind of thing but yup I laugh.

"I can't see the funny here Ed. You have been in there forty minutes now and then I hear world war three going down and a lot of swearing."

I try to calm myself at least enough to answer him. I think I manage as I pull myself up.

"I'm fine just lost track of time. I will be right out." I don't think it came out as smooth as it did in my head. I am sure he is waiting on the other side of the door, maybe even pacing and it starts the giggles all over again.


	78. Chapter 78

A/N: Sorry I wish I could blame tech probs but it is just a holiday weekend here and I have been having family time. Gonna give you a one tonight and try for tomorrow but can't be sure. I WILL be back by Monday. Once again sorry but hubby is on a rare long vacay and trying to do the family thing. They are still writing and talking just going slow to post since I am busy. Happy 4th weekend to all my merican friends! Hope you are all having a great one!

I was nervous for sure. Happy, elated, feeling a bit off. But happy for sure, and maybe more then a bit cocky. It was the first time since, well a long time, since I had gotten off with someone else in the room. And frankly the first time I had ever gotten off with anyone else without touching me. Like clothes on, grinding action just getting me there. I was pretty much ready a good ten, twenty, I want to think ten but I am sure five is more right on, minutes into it. But I don't give a damn. I am feeling so high off of all that.

My swag was all over the place as I hit the bathroom and got the shower running. Looking around I had nothing to wear but a towel after my shower but was sure he would sneak in again like before. I made quick time working through the sudsing and didn't notice until I was done that he didn't. After spending the last however many hours half naked it shouldn't be so bad being in just a towel but some how it felt like I was over stepping a bit. A twoel is a quick tug or slip from being completely naked. There was no way I was going to be that forward. It isn't in my nature. Thankfully my suit is still hanging there so I slip on my pants and reach for the phone inside my jacket.

A quick call and a few instructions later I return it and leave the bathroom sporting a thick blue towel. I expect him to be out by now and waiting. He's not, twenty minutes later he still isn't. Forty five minutes pass of hearing the water flow and nothing else and I start to worry. I am just about to break the door down when I hear the soft tap from down the hall.

I look at the door a few feet from me but then down the hall. I know what is down the hall and out the door will still be there but no idea what is behind door number one. I wish I knew him better to judge. I put my ear to the door and hear a swooshing of water that would go with the theory that he is still standing. That eases the worry, not much but some.

I must have done the door to door shuffle glance a hundred times in the end I made a mad dash to the front door, opened it knowing my requested items were there. Grabbing them I quickly and locking us back up, my first move is to open the duffle and grab a pair of sweats and a tank and throw them on. Next I grab the plastic bags and throw them in the fridge. It doesn't all belong there but nothing will be hurt. And within two minutes I am back down the hall in time to panic at the sound, lose my shit and be greeted with insane laughter. He thinks it's funny? Really? I am losing my shit. Then he opens the door, in nothing but a low slung towel and a goofy grin. Holding his temple and his elbow.

Okay I may have yelled a bit and cursed some, now my mouth is dry.


	79. Chapter 79

I can't figure out if I should be concerned with his injury or the instant urges I have of him standing there. In a towel wet hair, humor in his eyes. It really is something to behold. Thankfully some part of me snaps back to where my brain should be.

"Are you alright? My god what happened in there?" I move to help him to the bed but he finds his way on his own. As he sits on the edge I have to force all my will power on not letting my eyes drift to where the towel split.

"Idiocy and clumsiness. I really should get those damn ducks Sheldon talked about." I really need a neck brace from the whiplash of moods I have been through in the last hour or so but I have to switch it up again and I can't hold back the laughter.

"Did you just make that reference? Oh my god that has to be one of my favorite episodes too!" He starts to laugh too but winces.

"I once knew a guy with the soup tattoo." he is laughing and wincing at the same time. "Then I saw that episode and I was hooked." I laugh along and it is a great ab workout but the pain he is trying not to show is showing through.

"Oh, crud Ed don't laugh like that if it is gonna hurt. Here let me get you an ice pack or something." I move for the bedroom door and he tries to protest. I Just bat it off and bee line for the freezer.

If I had taken a minute I would have been able to hear why. No ice pack, no ice. A pet peeve of mine, I hate being out of ice ever, I mean this is a high end fridge where the hell is the ice. Bending down I look at the maker and sure enough the little bar is stuck. Plopping it back into place and hearing it moan to life I begin the search for what to use. There really isn't much in here, I was lucky before I guess in my upper compartment search, here not so much.

Eventually I come up with some make shifts and rush back down the hall. I found him in sweat pants and a tank struggling with a bottle of asprin and failing.

"Here let me put this on your head." He looks at the can of oj I hand him wrapped in a towel funny but he complies. Wincing as the cold hits the bump on his head.

Getting some pills in to him and handing him the bag of peas for his elbow I settle in next to him on the end of the bed.

"So you are really into the whole taking care kind of thing huh?" I shrug at it.

"So you aren't ready to go pro in the shower dancing thing yet huh? You learn something new everyday." I sweep his hair off his forehead and check the bump. Really I just want to be close and stare at him. Checking the bump gives me a reason. I look all over his face and can feel the intensity building as his hand goes to my legs. I feel the need to get closer and go in for the mouth. Just as my lips are a breath away from his he pushes back and looks me up and down.

"Hey you're dressed!"

"And so are you."

"How'd you do that? And is that? Do I smell?" His confusion is cute and so is the grumble his stomach is making. Kissing his nose I head to the kitchen and grab the bags I left there.

"Well I tell you Angela deserves a raise for one thing." I am raising the take out bags high in the air like they are a grand find.

"Well she is an intern so anything will be a raise."

"Well then she is going to be hired first thing tomorrow. With pay. Good pay. In fact I may have to even steal her from you." He lunges at the bags and is in the center of the bed digging before I am even done speaking. He has an eggroll half way in his mouth as he gives me a death glare.

"You wouldn't dare." The words are muffled around the food but I can almost make it out, especially with the look on his face.

"Okay okay no I won't steal her but I am serious about the hire part." Climbing up on the bed too I start pulling boxes from the bags. "I needed a favor and I know damn well my own assistant is a gossip hound so I took a shot. I wanted to know what you liked to eat and figured she would know. Who would have thought Chinese from little Italy?"

"And the clothes?"

"Well when she offered to bring the food over I asked her to stop at my car on the way up and grab my bag out of my car. She really is a wonderful girl."

He nods in agrement as he stuffs some kind of meat and veggie combo in his mouth with a fork. I opt for chops stick and watch as he savors every bite. Once I got the food in my mouth I had to agree.

The conversation flows as we eat, it was like a really good date, only in bed, in sweats, with a ton of baggage in the air. But I notice we seem to be able to go in spurts, we know when to keep the bad at bay and enjoy the moment. We seem to be in sync to keep the bullshit tucked away until we can garner the strength to deal with it.

"Is Angie okay then?" I nod and shovel another bite in. "That's good. I know she is a new friend but I would hate to have her worry."

I'm not as good at it as he is though. "Have you had many of those?"

Luckily he doesn't mind though. "Friends? Well I have had friends or well people I called that but I guess no. She is been my only one I guess." That stings a bit but I am going to push that aside and put my self out there.

"She isn't your only one. I'm your friend too." The and maybe something more is left hanging in the air unsaid.


	80. Chapter 80

I want to scream out that I don't want him as a friend I want him as more but there is to much in the past to expect it. So I will take his friendship, I will take any grain or crumb he throws. Just him calling me friend will be enough I hope. It puts something warm and tingly in my chest region. I can't help but rub the spot there where I feel it. I give him a smile and try not to well up.

"Yeah I guess you are too." That warrants a smile out of him.

Once again I find myself awake at who knows what early morning hour, wrapped in a blanket or muscles, a bit to warm but feeling safer then I ever have. I remember the dreams were there again, I remember yelling and the clawing feeling then this. Safe haven. It is funny in a short few days I never knew.

There is a kiss on my head and his groggy voice. "Never knew what?"

I really seem to have a problem these days thinking out loud.

"I never knew what I was looking for, what I was hiding from or trying to make up for." These seem to be our honesty hours, here in the dark so I feel safe to say it.

"What was it?" He has shifted, I am still on his chest with an arm around me but he is on his back stretching his other arm. I search for words and try to keep the urge to look at him at bay. I know if I look at him and even catch an outline of his face I will chicken out.

"This, someone to hold me when I am scared and unsure. Someone to take the shit for so long but still want to be there in the dark, ready to grab a sword and take up the battle when the demons come back." his arm tightens on me and his other comes back down to rub my arm that is across his chest.

"We all need that, deserve that. Even you." It isn't meant harshly or critically. Just reassuringly.

"But from you?" even to me my voice sounds so unsure. And I feel the unworthy sneak in.

"Especially from me. If I can forgive and see the whys of who you are then who else matters?"

That was it, everything broke, the whole world melted to nothing, there was nothing else that could ever tear me down. Him here even if just for a few days then never again, him saying that is all I ever needed.

"I never want to leave this bed." The words are quite and said into his chest the only sign I have of knowing he heard me was the lips in my hair and the tightening around my ribs, and heart.


	81. Chapter 81

It was easy to drift off there in my safe haven, it was a peaceful feeling. Waking up to an empty space though was not as easy. There is a panic, there is a void and dread then I hear pots and pans, smell some coffee and hear whistling. Then I do something I haven't ever done. I scoot over to his pillow lay my head into it sideways so I can smell him and just lay there. Listening to the sounds of someone in my space moving around and I smile. I know who is there and I don't freak out. I don't try and think who is there or how do I get them out. I know who it is and I can imagine how he is moving around, how he looks right there. Well not right because I know it is a pretty much bare space, it wasn't a home but how he makes the most of it and makes it as homey as it has ever been. I smell him, I hear him and in my head I can see him. It seems like the best dream come to life.

I find the best position and stretch out in his place on the bed. Next thing I know a hand is shaking me and my heart falls, I knew it had to be a dream is the first thing that comes to mind. Then his voice breaks the fog.

"Hey sleeping beauty, you need to scoot or I am eating this all myself using your back as a table." I am tempted to roll over and offer somewhere else but instead I just stifle the comment but not so much the smirk.

"Sure, no problem" Pushing myself over and up to sitting.

"Don't think I don't know what you are thinking perv." The laugh plays all over his face. "Mind out of the gutter."

After he sets down a tray I had no idea I even owned on the end of the bed I expect him to sit down but instead he goes over to the thick drapes on the window and pulls them back. It washes the room in all kinds of natural light. I blink hard a few times as my eyes adjust. It is the first time I think I have ever seen the room in natural light. Looking around I can see why some people might like it. Myself I will need convincing.

"There we go, lets try to learn that we are not vampires. Sound good? Great" he doesn't give me a chance to answer before he is laying a napkin on my knee and putting a fork in my hand. "Eat, you need your energy." I do as told but my mind is back in the gutter when it wonders what I need my energy for.

"We are getting out today." I look at him blankly not sure what to make of it so I do as I have learned to say nothing and wait for him to explain. But he doesn't.

"Out? Out where?" I try to keep cool and show I am chill and all that crap I used to show. How the hell did I use to do that?

He takes his time chewing then a long drink of coffee. Wipes his mouth and I throw my napkin at him.

"Okay," he laughs and I some of the worry washes away. "I just thought it's a nice day and I need more then this pair of sweats or a dirty tux, the bird needs food and in the food department you are lacking as well. So we are going to get you dressed in real clothes," he has a remorseful sound to his voice at that as he eyes me and I get a bit of a thrill. "we are going to take a drive and remedy said issues. Are you okay with that."

I wish I had it in me to protest his taking over and taking charge but the fact is I can see that I had kind of pussied out on life and have no clue what day it is let alone what is going on outside this room and this bed. Hell I was shocked to see that it is daytime. So I nod and as he takes the tray and once again kisses my nose and nods for me to shower I am hit with it.

"Take charge is kind of doing it for me." He laughs and winks at me.

"Good to hear now get to cleaning up." I am halfway to the bathroom as he yells down the hall. "And no dancing this time, don't want people thinking I am beating on my guy or something."

The doorframe to the shoulder hurt I am sure, if I could register anything other then his words.


	82. Chapter 82

He doesn't stop smirking the entire time we are walking to the first store. The smirk turns to a scowl when a sales guy is overly helpful. When I tell said salesmen I am good and know what I want he smiles. Then runs into a rack of shirts. His recovery is less then smooth and then he fidgets trying not to draw anymore attention to himself. Problem is gorgeous man covered in tattoos in a trendy store in NYC is kind of a hard blend. He is worried about people eyeing me but after twenty minutes in the store of looking around letting him try to do his blend thing I find myself moving closer to him and shooting the glares.

"What did you find over here?" I try to sound casual as the girl at the front whispers to the guy with the blue hair behind the counter. I know what they see and I have a caveman reaction. My hand goes to the back of his neck and he jumps at the contact briefly but then relaxes. He grabs the first thing in front of him. I know he hasn't been really looking but I grab what he hands me along with the jeans and shoes I already have in hand and head to the dressing room. For an added bonus I rip the tags off the clothes and toss them to him along with my wallet and say loud enough for the others to hear in the small boutique.

"Here babe, why don't you pay while I change." I think I hear a grumble, I do hear a gasp for him. "Use our black card." Then I hear a huff, not from him.

I know I am being an ass but I like it. Even if it is just a little bit of a put on. It feels good to play at being his man. I never knew before what it was like to feel the joy in others being jealous over something I had, or they thought I did. Sure there are plenty that were jealous over my wealth or position but those really didn't mean much to me. I always had money and I worked hard for position. But for someone to be jealous and covet someone I was with, to wish they were the ones with him or me. That was some kind of sick thrill I should probably talk to my shrink about.

Walking out of the dressing room to the front of the store I see him standing there with an odd look on his face. I can't place it but he is swinging a bag from his finger leaning his hip on the counter. As I approach I notice the sales people are looking but not looking doing busy work. As I walk up he hands over my wallet and the bag. Then he shocks me by smacking my ass and drawing me closer. Leaning up he stage whispers in my ear.

"I got you a little something for later babe." then nips my lobe.

I can't hold back the squeak I let out in shock but try to recover. "Do I dare look?"

"Oh you dare." and he winks. Out of the corner of my eye I see they others blatantly watching now. Looking inside all I can see is a few bundles of red and blue so I start to lift them out I realize what it is. As I pull them higher I could feel myself getting a bit redder. As quick as I can I throw the thongs back in the bag, smack his ass and grab his waist. As I pull him out of the store I can't resist the urge to make him red.

"Oh baby boy I will give you a great show in these." I'm not sure whose gasp was louder his or the two in the store. Yes this was great fun pretending.


	83. Chapter 83

Lord knows what go into him but this little game he was playing could be two sided for sure. His show of everything before he went to change was a shocker for sure. I didn't think he had that kind of game in him and I am sure he was testing the waters as well as putting it on for the clerks. I was a bit off balance that's for sure, I had never had any kind of relationship to speak of so I had no clue if this was a normal thing, but I know game. After all I was the king of games.

As I approached the register I felt them watching me, so why not. I couldn't resist, they were right in my line of sight. Frankly I really would love to see them on him, but seeing his face when he looks at them will be great too. There was lots of clucking tongues and glances as I laid them on the counter.

"We'll take these too I think." as I hand over his card.

There was a look up and down of me and at the card. I was hoping my hands didn't shake as I opened his wallet and searched for the card. Luckily it was the first thing I saw, I am am sure they are thinking I am a kept man or something. Somehow I managed to pull it off like I did it a million times before, which got a glare from the over grown wannabe twink. He wasn't ringing us up but he was ever close to what I can only assume is his hag.

"Are there any other tags he might have missed?" the bitch was trying to get to me I know but I knew her game.

"No these are all, he only wears these for me. The rest of the time he is sans." her mouth dropped and I heard a whimper from Mr. Twinkie wannabe. That had me flying and as I took my place to wait I kept it cool and cocky. Then he came out of the back.

If I faltered it can't be scrutinized because, I have seen him in every form so far but this. Tight T as blue as his eyes, jeans tight and faded in all the right places held up with a black belt. The muscles all on display everywhere, his hair wild and curly like he just climbed out of bed. The eyes go all over but settle at the pair of sunglasses hang at the v of his shirt. It all leads back to the chest. I am worried I am slipping in my cool but a quick glance over as I adjust myself shows me I have no worries there. They are as transfixed as I am. That has me going caveman now.

I have no idea what to do so I start with my hands, they are always a good distraction. Then I remember what they are holding. Oh yeah that, I do a spinny thing and try to get the cool back. Then once he is close I have no idea what I say. I just go on auto. I somehow manage to hit my target and pull him close and pray I'm not over stepping.

But really, he started it.

Next thing I know I am out the door secured at his side. Moving down the street not even thinking about walking, just doing. I thought I had been in charge. I thought the power shift and off guard was my doing.

As we pass an alley way I feel myself guided just out of view, my back against a steel back door of the building and hear the most beautiful sound. The best sounding words ever as brilliant sparkling blue eyes look down and a strong hand gently holds my face.

"Please? May I?" there is no question of the answer. I throw my hand up and pull his head down. As his mouth crashes to mine the pulsing through my body is to much to contain and I throw everything and anything I can into it. Like it is the last breath, the last drop of water. The last ray of sunlight.

It is my everything and all I ever need. This.


	84. Chapter 84

"What" lips mouths, tongue, breathe " are... Oh who cares." I grab him tighter and enjoy.

Hot kisses turn softer. Pecks and nips. Then he leans his forehead down to mine and we just breathe. More like pant until we can breathe again.

"I needed that." he was the first to speak. His hand is at the back of my neck with his thumb stroking my jaw just below my ear. My hands slip from the backs of his shoulders all the way down until they are limp at my sides. He is the only thing keeping me up right. Suddenly I feel a surge past the jelly legs, a need and need to know. I stiffen and straighten up and push him back a step.

"Open your eyes." it isn't loud or harsh just a demanding plea. Thankfully he complies. Steel blue that sparkles. Him, the old him but a new him, a him that is turned on and happy.

"I did that." it comes out more breathy then the cocky I meant it to sound. He cocks his head at me but I just bow my head a bit and smile. I don't care if it is for a day or pretend I am going to take what I can get. More then I deserve and run with it. Grabbing his hand I thread my fingers through his and pull him back on to the street. "Onward and upward my friend!"

This time we don't walk side by side we walk hand in hand. In the light of day, in the busy streets and I forget it isn't real.


	85. Chapter 85

We shopped throughout the afternoon, nothing really needed or purchased just a meandering through the streets. We were always connected though, always touching in some way. If it wasn't hand in hand then some other way. The first time I went to reach for something I hesitated not wanting to lose the connection. I really wanted to look at a book more. His fingers slipped from mine and his finger threaded through my belt loops and his thumb played at the hem of my shirt. It took a few minutes for me to actually concentrate on what was in my hands. But as I did he grabbed something else to look at until I had my fill and placed the book back on the shelf. His fingers were back in mine as I moved from the section.

"Not what you were looking for?" his breath in my neck had me stutter a sigh.

"No, not really. He is to narrow minded for me. I like freedom of expression not conformity." He nodded and we headed out the store empty handed but not.

By the time the city lost its natural glow and the cafe' lights started coming on we found a little place to sit outside and eat. Then what seems to be his favorite game popped up again. I just laughed and went with it. Only because it was a joy and a novelty for him and he kept it to safe zones.

"Cindy, or was it Candy? Ninth birthday, you know the girl with the over bite?" I know of course I do and the memory is a funny one.

"Sandy Alford, she sneezed all over her cake and Jimmy" I knew he wouldn't remember the kids name. "Hunter, ate the cake anyway. Then he wound up throwing up all over the party favor table."

He laughed and did the icky shake all at the same time. That made me laugh. He picked all the right mutual and neutral times to ask about. And I wonder how this man turned out like he did and I turned out...

"The stumper question sixth grade, Mrs. Murphy's history final." and so it went off and on all through dinner.

It was easy to pretend, it was nice to leave together without conflict or tension. It was a good time pretending and storing away this memory, every part of the past few hours as my first real date. I may have looked like a player and a rocker thug. But that is the farthest from the truth.

I wasn't even sure where in the city we were at this point in our 'date'. I never just walked around, I was picked up or hopped a cab and told them where I wanted to go. I honestly wouldn't even know where my favorite place to eat was if it hadn't been for a random dial and a craving for egg rolls. I had never been to the actual place until Ang had asked where I wanted to eat. So I let him lead the way until I saw the familiar. Then I took stride beside him.

"You haven't been out of the neighborhood on foot have you?" He was always reading me. I shake my head. "Why not?" I shrug. "You have to give me more then that Ed."

I know the whys. I know every one of them. He stops and pulls my face to look to his. His thumb and forefinger strong on my chin and he waits. Finally I gain focus enough to look at him. When I do his eyes are sad but still the right color.

"I know why to but soon you are going to have to say it out loud." his lips are so light on mine and so tender I think if it weren't for his strong hand on my chin I think it would be shaking all the hell over the place.

I feel his hand pull me after his lips leave mine and realize, I have turned into a sappy shit. Because as he pulls me into a doorway I realize my 'date' ended, with him walking me home and giving me a kiss at the front door.

"God damn it." I mutter as soft as I can. But his hand on my hip squeezing, I know he heard it.


	86. Chapter 86

I heard him, I knew him. I'm not as stupid as most to assume. Even in my suit and behind my desk most assume my size dictates what I am. Just like his tattoos I am sure say to most about him. I have garnered enough over the new time we have had together that I know what this is about. But I want him to say it out loud. I want him to admit it not for me but to himself. I know being trapped in your own head can really mess you up. You either vocalize it or let it eat you up and swallow you whole.

Frankly I have put my whole life into this, whether I knew it or not. If I had gone back six months I would have never thought it that way but as of a few short months ago i knew what this was and know in fact that time and time again this would happen again and again until it played out the right way. One way or another. So being here like this I am going to give it my all and hope it doesn't play out the way the plaguing dreams have shown. I want to have some faith in the fates.

Up the elevator and into his house he is not himself, well the himself I had seen all day. I want to push it but I know the way or think I do, the ways it could go wrong. I always pride myself on one step ahead thinking and right no I am going on gut. I set my bags down and watch him take his to the cage and uncover it. He coos and talks to his bid. He spends a good amount of time talking in a reassuring voice.

I watch as he pulls it out briefly and kisses it's head before placing it back in the cage and feeding it. I hear him whisper the name Frank to it over and over again as he feeds and pets it.

"So it's a he?" I felt a bit left out and well a bit on edge.

"Um no actually it's a she. I named her before I knew." he seemed fidgety and like I had walked in on him dancing ballet in a tutu or something.

"What about Frankie?" it is idle conversation but I am desperate here.

"Tried that. She wasn't digging it. So Frank it is." He seemed to be back to himself of the days past. I couldn't take that step back but I let him finish up and get comfortable in his space again.

He put the food away, he shucked off his shoes and so did I. I followed him to the bedroom and he switched to sweats, I pulled my new ones from the bags I had did the same. He went to the kitchen and got a bottle of water from the fridge. So did I.

"It was a nice first date wasn't it?" and he choked on his water. Yeah I was never good at the new thing either. I patted his back. "Sorry, I have never been good at,"

Wiping his mouth he motioned for me to stop until he was breathing normal again. Once he was a normal color again I felt safe to babble again.

"I thought it was nice is all I was saying." he was all sorts of colors and I wasn't talking about his ink.

"It was my first date." he admits and I am visually banging my head on the granite. I had had many things flying through my mind. I am sure they are still right about his mood but I am no where near close to all the whys. I want to bang my head on the counter, I want to slap my self mad I want to scream at myself for not doing it up better but I feel his hand on my arm. It's his eyes though stop me from actually doing it. "Yes it was, it was great."

It was cheesy and very chick flick like and I feel like I should be swooning, then he is smacking my ass and off down the hall. I am reeling in the warm fuzzy feelings until I realize, he has admitted something and avoided a whole hell of a lot more.

"Not so fast hot shot!" I yell after him.

A/N: Sorry it has been so late tonight. Issues! Lol Hubby is on vacay and distracts me so I am trying. I promise no more missed nights til they finish up. But I can say there are going to be some back and forth chapters coming up that are short. All the stuff is gonna come out... Thanks for sticking with it! And LOVE the reviews!


	87. Chapter 87

A/N: trying once again to upload. A new update on windows 8 has had FF in a tizzy for me. Going to keep loading as long as it lets me and keep writing as I go...

I would run but there is no place to go. I would hide but frankly there is nothing in my apartment to hide under or behind. That an the fact that the tone he uses has so much humor and joy behind it. So I stop, halfway down the hall after my oh so cool try at a getaway.

"We are not going back there after that. Talk." I turned and saw him looking a mix between shock and pride and a shitload of confusion thrown in for good measure.

"Talk about what?" yup I suck at the innocent thing.

"Do not pull that. You know damn well what I am talking about. You just happen to say it was your first date." he comes a bit closer but only enough to lean against the hall wall. "Not our first date, not A first date but Your first date." All I can do is nod and shrug. It's a fact, not one I want to admit was a big deal to me but it is. But, yeah, cool guy tries to still pull front.

"Ed, we are 34 years old. You have lead a colorful life. That trek out into the city, which you have never ventured upon was not only your maiden voyage into the unknown but your first date EVER? Like as in you have never been out with someone? Coffee? Lunch?" His bafflement makes me a bit self conscious just like I had hints of through the day. I could retreat and hide like I tried since we walked in the door or I can take the leap.

"First ever. Yes, no to all the rest." I take the leap. Then make quick steps down the hall.


	88. Chapter 88

"No no no... Uh-uh you do not get to do that." I hear him quick on my heels. "Someone with the balls to let someone take a needle to his neck doesn't get to act like a fucking little girl."

"They aren't that bad. Stories are blown out of proportion to say the least." Truth is the few I remember getting hurt like hell. The neck actually wasn't that bad though so I feel justified in that part.

"I know what it feels like, so I call bullshit. That is aside the point though. You are running and avoiding." I was and I have to admit it is fun. A chase, a rush.

"Oh really you have ink? Where?" I try a bit of a diversion and try and pop out a sexy bad boy look. Really it feels kind of stupid and I catch a small smile that he catches and makes go away. What the hell I try a pout. He shakes his head. I shrug and turn back sown the hall. I almost make it to door before I am off my feet turned around and slug over a hulking shoulder the size of a work out bench.

The air rushes out of my lungs upon impact and barely catch it before I am flung on the bed once again wooshing all of the air out. He looms over the bed as I push back to the top of the bed, a fearful looming. If I didn't know the twinkle and the hint of a dimple I may have been scared. When I am just about to the top he is covering me his hand holding my wrists lightly in place above my head. His nose touches mine. His breath warm and soft against my lips. I think he is going to go in for the kill. Then he pulls back.

"Now then, spill..."


	89. Chapter 89

He seemed to like that cat and mouse game and I have to admit I got a bit of a jolt out of it. But there was a point where it had to result in answers. I am not above taking every advantage I had. I was the bigger one now, I had the brut to get what I wanted out of him.

"Spill what?" his small wriggle under me had me counting and keeping some parts in check. It was a lot to keep in mind. I didn't want to crush him with my weight, I wanted to keep a loose grip on his wrists so he felt safe, I needed to keep the not so little guy as little as possible. And I had to get the answers.

"You know what, stop playing and tell me." he pulls his hands free and I roll off him to the side. We lay face to face. His arms fold around him self. "Please?" I add in hopes.

"Em I never had the life of a normal person. Ever. I was fucked up. I was confused. Once I figured it out I was told how wrong it was and how I was a freak." His tone is steady and calm but laced with enough sadness that I know how hard it was.

"Once I got it really, I was to far gone in to the life I thought was mapped out. You know the fates have a master plan." He said it matter of fact. I had often thought the same but I wouldn't have thought him of any beliefs.

"The Fates are tricky things though." I say it low but make sure there is no mocking tone. Thankfully he nods and gets it.

"Let's just say the people I was around didn't really do the whole dates and courting type shot. They were groups and parties and well you know. So no I never had a date and.." he let the sentence drift off.

"Today was the first and for me it was perfect." It might not have started out as one per se but somewhere along the way it felt like ti was to me too. His face brightened but still held a sadness. "Edward, it was a date. It wasn't playing around. You get that right? Edward?" I try to get the right tone to get the point across.

"K" was his only answer. Funny how I was always the one feeling so small and weak and now Mr. Badass rocker man, the one person I always thought of as the strongest person I knew is the one needing the reassuring.

"I am not going to baby this anymore. I am over hiding and dancing around. I have two more nights until I have to be back to real life and God damn it! I want real life to include you." I am sitting up on my knees and looking down at him. I may be scaring him but hope I'm not but this has been many years coming and we need it out and done. "We have been lost in the crap for to long. After I crawled out of the shit, I put myself somewhere where I was content, I was successful I thought I had it all. But I was far from really happy. You, you went another way. And where the hell did it get you? Almost dead that's where. No wait, correct that you were dead. You think this is a game?"

I was on a roll and no way to know where to stop. So I didn't. I had watched and waited and been the good little boy that I always was, just taking the shit and never saying it. Now it was going to get said wether he liked to hear it or not.

"I was dead, you are right. But my life ended well before my heart stopped that night." pushing up he didn't run, didn't try to leave the bed. He just pushed up to sitting and leaned back against the head board. Arms once again tightened around himself like he was holding himself together. "I was a cruel child, raised by cruel parents. They weren't that way on purpose but they are what they are. That doesn't make excuses for how I turned out. No that was all on me. So if you want to do this. We are going to have to hit it all." I knew I wanted it out there but I am not sure now that he is the one speaking up. Somehow him saying the words made it more real. The truth that only he and I know about.

"How about we just jump right at when I tried to rape you. Are you ready for that Em?"


	90. Chapter 90

He never wanted to speak of it. Even back then. They all asked and he would never tell. It was put on the books as an assault officially, most thought it was I was beating him up. Only he and I really knew though.

"Did you ever tell anyone? Did you ever admit what a monster I was? Even to yourself?"

"You were only a monster to yourself. That's what you don't get." I have to bark out a laugh at that. "You never would have done it." Now an even bigger one.

"Emmett I had you pinned, I had you..." the memories for me were as clear as if it were happening now in my mind.

"I know very well what was going on. You were scared and confused and. Well lets just let it slip out of your mind because even if you hadn't heard the door and they hadn't come in, it still wouldn't have happened." I wish my faith in the facts and what ifs was as strong as his. "Believe me it wouldn't have."

"How the hell can you be sure of that? I remember all to well,"

"So do I Ed. You my have a photographic memory but I think you forget a lot of things." I have to scoff at that.

"I never forget, not a thing. Even high as a kite I don't. That is the problem."

"No! Your problem is you see it all skewed. You see it from one point. That's it. You were gifted and cursed all at once. You see and remember but did you ever see beyond your own eyes?" He was angry before but now seems to calm and pulls his legs out from under himself crossing them now and leaning his arms on his legs.

"That little boy you saw content and hated? That was me making the most of what I had. I knew i was different early in life and I had the silly notion that I would make the most of it. Somewhere around age eight I realized I liked the boy that always was picking on me. By the time I was thirteen I realized why I was different and let him pick on me. By the time I was fifteen I had given everything over to the idea that I would take whatever I could get."

"You would have let some punk ass show off take you? Like that? In the locker room with nothing more then a shove against the wall and some really nasty names?" I had tried to keep myself where I was but I had to move. I was on my feet pulling at my hair and pacing and trying to wrap my head around anything that woud make sense.

"Like I said you wouldn't have, but even if you did," he kept calm and in his spot in the center of the bed.

"What you would have just resigned yourself to your fate?" I had to scream. I didn't want to but I was angry. Not at him really, well maybe at him. But more at me for the sick power my cruel asshole self had over him. "That is really sick, really fucking sick."

"I can't help it, this is fate, this has always been in the stars for us ." he turned to face me but still keeping his calm position. It only serves to jack me up more. On my last hair pull I remember my calming breaths. I feel like an ass doing them in front of someone else but I really want to keep it together.

"This isn't some pop song Em, this isn't a fairy tale. This is," I am not sure how he moved without me hearing him but he is in front of me. Cutting me off and pulling my fists from my hairs.

"No, it isn't this is life, real fucking life. This is the good and bad and ugly you have hidden from. This is what we deal with. It's not pretty, it's not kind. It is nasty and painful and tough as hell." This time his hands on my wrists are firm and not letting my hands go. "This is what you have been hiding from and will go back to hiding from if we don't figure it out."

"Fate"


	91. Chapter 91

It was painful, heart wrenching, made me want to throw up more then once but I had to let him get to it. I had to get him to the place where it was a choice he had been trying to fight his whole life. He had to be there looking me in the eyes and make the choice to try or give up. I knew if I lost it and pushed further he would have run. He would have done what he avoided for a long time now.

"I know why you don't walk the streets. I know your mind is always on. I know you don't want to know the back alleys and the shady fucks there and ready to make it all go away." I can feel his fists flex through the muscles in his wrists. "Tell me why you haven't walked the streets? Tell me why you kept up here, walking the few blocks to work but never further alone. Tell me why you keep your head down when you do walk them."

"You know why" his voice is horse and barely there but I hear it.

"I know why yes, I didn't before today but I do know now. But I want to hear it." he doesn't struggle instead what he does is scare the shit out of me.

His body stiffens, his face goes lax and his eyes go dull. For the first time ever in all our lives I was really scared of him. Not for him but of him. Not physically but well maybe if you can call my heart physically. I know now as I loosen my grip on him this is it. I have found the point where it all comes down. His voice is low and scary calm as he stands against the wall from me.

"I came out of the hospital and checked myself in to rehab. One last shot. I was cut off, I had my money in the bank that was it. Parents cut me off. This was my last feeble attempt at life." he moves his head around and cracks his neck. I can see the tough guy coming out in him. I can see why he may intimidate so many. For the first time I see it.

"I was cut off. I guess that is what I was going for. The final push to get the last of anyone to give a damn." he scoffs and I see no humor in it. "I mean at least the family still keeping me flush was some sort of caring right?" The laugh in his tone is trying to come through but I see no humor in that either.

I keep my feet firmly planted even though I want to pin him down as I sense him ready to spill and bolt. Thankfully there is no twitch at all in him. He is ready to have it out. I hope.

"That's not caring." He barks out a laugh that he doesn't share with his expression.

"Tell me about it. I was the ultimate fuck up. But that was okay until the last time." he moves now but away from any exit. "Don't worry hun, I'm mot gonna bolt." the endearment is nice but I don't take it to heart.

"Why was the last time different?" I always figured when I heard talk, that they were just done with his next stint in rehab.

"It wasn't really different it was just documented." I was lost again and it must have shown.

"See there are many things rich catholics can deal with in their kids. Drugs, alcohol, partying. Hell even petty theft. But I committed the ultimate taboo. I was found at a porn stars place. A gay porn stars place. No I wasn't sleeping with him but it just fueled the speculation in the page five circles." shifting on the window ledge he is perched on, he seems more comfortable set in the story. Not nervous just relaying facts now. "See you can be many things in my family's old money world, but no child of theirs is a fag. That is a blemish in the old world ways. So that was it. The end."

"Old world ways?" I was baffled. I knew his parents way back over twenty years.

"Oh they used that as and excuse believe me. They are about as loyal to the 'faith' as I am against tattoos." it's seems relaxing to him now. Telling me about his family. I have to wonder.

"Have you ever talked about them before? I mean besides group," his head shakes and cuts me off.

"No I never have, not even with the shrink." This time his hand in his hair isn't pulling thankfully. I just watch as his fingers thread through a few times them rub his neck. "It wasn't about them really, it was my defect, my problem to deal with and get over or not."

"It's not a def-" he holds his hand up and stops me.

"I know it's not, well the being gay part isn't. I am not an idiot, but the not hiding it was. I knew my place. I was brought up to put the right face forward and push it all aside. I guess I just got to the point where I didn't care anymore."

"Did you want to that night?" I couldn't say it because frankly I didn't want to think about living in a world where he didn't.

"Kill myself?" I must have nodded. "I think so. I might have. I remember the party, I remember the two days of drinking. I remember the guy that tried to blow me before I told him to get lost." that hurt but I was no one to to him at the time so there was no jealousy warranted. It still hurt.

"Look at me!" his tone is harsh and sharp. I do look at him. His eyes aren't flat they are a mix of hurt and please. "You were never far from there, in my mind it was always you I was trying to find. So don't go there. Never go there. Okay?" I am now pissed and hurt and in love and I have no idea.

"That is not fair Ed. That is the-" before I can move to do my own escape he is beside me and his hands on my face. His lips are on mine and now he is grounding me and waiting on me.

"Please let me tell you. If I don't get it out now-" it is my turn to cut him off. It is a quick kiss then I lean my forward to his. My hands don't leave his face. And I try to steady my voice so it is just above a whisper.

"Tell me. I can handle it."


	92. Chapter 92

I don't believe it at all. Not for a minute can I believe that he can handle the truth that I try to block. That it has always been him. It was always him, I hid for so long trying to find the same feeling I felt when I finally touched him.

"Really you can't but I will tell you." I give him one more kiss, praying it isn't the last one and throw my heart into it. It isn't passion it is something else in it and I hope it conveys how I mean it. His lips are so soft and strong. As they grip my lower lip and I feel his tongue brush it I try to hold back a tremble. It is everything I have never had. It is what I searched for and wanted in countless places. The thing I never found because it was never anywhere else to be found. I have to break away, I feel the sting of tears burning behind my eye lids.

I pull away and turn to face the bed. I can hear his heavy breath but he is quiet so I know he is waiting on me.

"I think it was never a choice. Never. The only choice was what do I do with it all. You were the first thing I saw since the first time we were in room together. It was a draw, a pull. There was no where else to look. Even when I wasn't looking I saw you in some way." I couldn't take not seeing him now so I picked to sit on the windowsill again. "I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was brow beaten into what I should be. Manly, faithful to some extent and always look good in front of others. Always keep up the facade. All American family, the popular son the good at sports, hung with the right people. You know how it is is. Well maybe not."

"Oh I know, I just had a mom that could spin anything." he had chosen to sit on the corner of the bed. "As much as you had to hide because you were not right for your family, I was hiding for fear my mother would join another group."

"Two side of the same coin." I mutter and he nods.


	93. Chapter 93

"After I left school and was sent to another one is when it all kind of made sense. And I wanted to make it different. I wanted to wash away all the family crap. I only saw them if they were home on break or needed me for a photo op. So I was pretty much already given up on." I watched him while I talked just to judge where he was at. He seemed to be pissed but holding it back and okay.

"So there I was, new school, new chance and I made the wrong choice." that was the short and tight of it I guess. "Go figure. But I did find a place finally. I did fit somewhere."

"When was the first time?" it wasn't the first time I had been asked.

"I know you want to know the whys and the hows of my addiction. Everyone does. Common question with addicts. The answers they always want are to pin it somewhere on something. The real answer for most is we have no idea. I of course do, that was the flaw in the theory but that is beside the point. Really it doesn't matter the first time. Or any of the thousands after. I want to be honest. I was hiding and trying to forget. Trying to not remember anything."

"No when was your first time you fucked anyone!" he ws firm and frustrated. Pissed really. Not even looking at me, leaning forward elbows on knees, hands thread together and clenching. I could count the breathes by the clenching and unclenching of his knuckles. The pattern of them turning from pink to white and back to pink. It was his way to keep it centered.

"Em you really don't want to," a growl from him cut me off.

"I want to know it all. I'm sorry but I need to. I have been through hell and back and that is just in the past few months I am talking. Now I need to hear it all. I need to know, I need to hear what I am dealing with and I need to." he stopped clenching and his hands loosened. A few deep breathes later he wasn't as tense and I wasn't sure the mood. But I waited. "I just want to know."

"It doesn't change a thing." The information he wants I can't see how they will help to move us forward.

"No but I need to hear it." he doesn't it is a self inflicting abuse I am well aware of.

"How would you feel if I asked you about Jason?" diversion and unfair but I am grasping to give him and out.

"Ask anything." he isn't looking but his voice is even.

I should but not now, he is to raw, I'm to raw.

"I will hold you to that but. The first was a class mate."

"Male?"

"Yes."

"Ever a woman?"

"No"

"Why?"

"I never could. I tried but never could. The attempts weren't even laughable. Just sad." truth, that is all I am going to give.

"Why not?"

"I knew you weren't a woman. So why look elsewhere? The gender wasn't right to look into tits and pussy. I knew where I was looking. What I was looking for."

"Were you ever sober when you" his word drift off.

"Not often but I did try a few times."

"And?"

"Emmett, I knew it wasn't you high. How the fuck did you think it would go fully functioning?"

"Did you think about coming to find me?" there it was my heart tore. The tone and why of his voice. That was it. This was going to be everything right here right now...

"Every minute of every day."

"Why didn't you?" there was a whole lot of hurt in his voice, but his face was still trained on the floor.

"I did," his face shot to mine.


	94. Chapter 94

Honestly I didn't want to hear any of it. It was all too much. But if I was going to do this I needed to go all in. I needed to know. So I heard him. I tried to take it in and make sense of it. I was prepped for the dirty seedy life he had led but I wasn't prepared for that.

I tried to make it some how make sense. He left it hanging. I could feel his eyes on me. He was waiting. I knew he wouldn't speak til I did. But what to say was the problem. What could I? I guess the obvious it is.

"When?"

"The first time?" shit there was more then once? I nod not wanting to put a glitch in anything. I didn't want him to stop. So I just nod and watch the tip of my toe.

"I was out for I think the fourth time." he pauses and I hear a curse from him and see a shadow of his foot tapping. "Yup fourth, I had a good six months or so into it. I had to come back home for my parents something or another. I had been pumped up to face you and say I was sorry. You know the whole make amends thing"

It made me thrilled that he was still seeking me out.

"It was the third day there, I had finally thought about asking Francie the maid about you, if you were around." his form changed he shifted. "Turns out I didn't need to. The announcement was there on the counter."

"Jason was so over the top about that shit." I didn't want it but he and my mom wanted it all known. Helped her place in the 'new' group.

"Oh you think? Fucking embossed in gold leaf?" he chuckled but it wasn't real. "Anyway, I left that day. Flew out back to L.A."

It killed me that he was there and knew. With every part of me I wished he would have come back. I mean I loved Jason but,

"Did you love him?" Well that was not what I expec...

"Yes" I had to be honest, I had to give him the truth. Somehow though I didn't give him the full truth. There was the bitterness. I had an edge, I had to see him hurt or a reaction at least. I didn't want to push it, well I did but I had to want him wanting to know. No I wanted to see a bit of pain. Who the hell was I?

"Did you think about me?" he was drumming his fingers on the wall. It was the reaction I thought I wanted.

"Always"

"Then why?" that was it. That was too much.

"Why what?" I let it go, he knew and was doing it on purpose and so I let it go. "The next?" Now we were eye to eye. A stand off.

"Next?" I dared a glance quick and brief and he was rubbing his neck. The tattoo that I was sure was mine. Something there in the way he rubbed it told me it was. I hoped it was.

"Never close, just heard the stories..." his had eyes are down and his hand is on his neck again.

"I have to call the bullshit. You know that right?"

"Seriously I was never close enough to see you more then in pictures. I was, am an addict. A junkie. But I wasn't that sadistic. To this day the only vision I have of him is a profile of him whispering in your ear in a picture I saw." He was honest there. I could see the flight in him. The want to leave the grappling with it.

"I loved him, I did." I had no idea why the confessions were going but I knew they had to. This was my one shot. I will not mess it up. Two lives held in the balance here.

I heard him before I saw him. Thank gods for the quick reflexes I had. I was in front of him before he could dart away out the door or behind the locked one. My hand with curled in fingers was on his chest. They flexed and wish the fabric wasn't there so we could be that much closer.

"I loved him Edward. I am sorry if that hurts you but I did. But," he still wouldn't look at me. I was desperate to see him look at me. I didn't know how to make it happen though. It really was making me mad. Finally I just said it. "Look at me!"

Okay I may have yelled. But it worked.

"I loved him. He was kind and caring and everything a guy could want. He showed me things and taught me and was well just was there. But you have to know,"

He pushed away my hand but we were still toe to toe. We were still in each others space. The way he looked at me was scary as hell. Then I was over taken, My body was like a rag doll. A few steps back and I was on top of him. He pulled me back and rotated and before I knew it we were falling. There we were, him giving me control. He was in control but so was I.

His hands fisted at my back and in my hair. Our mouths in a dance of anger, heat and making up for lost time. I wanted to break it and tell him more but the way he buck up to me and clinged to me at the same time there was no stopping. I needed to stop. We needed to talk but it was hard to keep thoughts straight. There was no stop for him right now and I got it. I got it all.

It took every ounce of will power and prayer to make me break away from him. But before I knew it I was yelling "Stop" and on my feet across the room.


	95. Chapter 95

"You think getting it on rough hot and angry is going to change things or make things different?" He is up on his elbows head cocked, rubbing his lips with his fingers. He is looking sexy as hell and trying to distract me. It is tempting but I also know he is avoiding hearing it all. "Sex will not change anything right now and I am no going to let this go anywhere until it is all said. Everything out there, I will not push things under the rug and pretend."

"Oh it isn't pretend hun, the sex would be very real." There is a twinkle in his eyes and I can see how he ws considered a player. He was with out a question one of the sexiest men I have ever seen.

"No doubt about it I know but stop hiding." Letting his head flop back he just lays there staring at the ceiling. But I see his hands motion for me to go on but his arm flops over his eyes.

"Not with you hiding." it took him a few minutes but then the mood shifted again and he was on his feet.

"Why's that so you can tell me that though you have been putting all this time into this with us it doesn't mean shit because your husband, dead husband, was everything you could need? So wonderful and loving and handsome and funny and walked on water and shit gold bars and pissed rainbows? No sorry I don't think I do want to hear that."

I wasn't gonna talk to him in this mood. I know I wouldn't let him run out but I needed a break. Turning on heel I march down the hall to the kitchen.

"What the fuck? I thought you wanted to talk this out. I thought you wanted to rub in my face how much I am lacking?" I stopped mid step and march right up to him, a good half a head taller I put on my fiercest fast and spoke low and quiet.

"I want to speak to my hurt and sad boyfriend, I have no time for this asshole in front of me. I am going to the kitchen and get a sandwich and something to drink. If my boyfriend decides to pull his head out of your ass and show up, I would love to talk to him. Okay?" I don't say anything I just stand there. "Okay, great, thanks."


	96. Chapter 96

"What the fuck?" I was speaking to an empty room by now but. Really? Did that all just go down? I was standing there for lord knows how long until finally somehow my ass found the bed.

I was getting my hopes up there for awhile. The spilling was going good but then it felt like I was bitch slapped by and iceberg when he started talking about his husband. I didn't want him remembering him and seeing how lacking I was. Sex was the first thing I could think of. If I can't give him anything else I could give him that. I know we both want it. But then... And then... And now?

Boyfriend? He said that right? That was the word he used. Well he used a lot of words but that is the one. I don't know why it should have me so confused really. I mean I really never had one, never had a label before. Well that isn't true. I had labels, lots but nothing ever good. I try it on for size and roll it around in my head. Somehow I thought I should be fucking dancing on the ceiling but for some reason it is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and pit in my stomach. I have no idea what this shit is all about but I sit and try and figure it out.

I try to play it all in my head again but for some reason around Emmett lately I haven't been able to pull it up so fast or clear. It's like there is a glitch here and a blip there. The more I try to pull it up the more frustrated I get. I want that slide show, I want to figure this out. Every other moment in my life even with him I have been able to. Now frustration and nothing else. The more I try the further away it gets. I remember the pain I remember the fear I remember the love and the pain of not ever having a shot of getting it back.

Suddenly my head shoots up and I get it. Head out of ass and standing now. I get it. I march down the hall and find him there scrolling through his phone. Hunched over a sandwich with a soda by his plate. I stand and watch him. I am having to really think about committing this to memory. I close my eyes and I can see him but not very clear. But there is an ache in my chest I will never forget. There is a love there that I hope I can earn back from him.

I watch a good five minutes. I have no idea if he knows if I am watching or not. If he does he doesn't let it show, so I watch. I think of why I love him. No real reason comes to mind but I just do. What is it? Why him? The answer, it just is. It is him. It has always been. So now I can run out the door and be a coward or and can stay and do the work. I stand and wait and watch and think.

"Okay head is out of ass, back on shoulders and your boyfriend is back ready to do this shit." I stuttered a bit over the 'b' word but only because it felt strange. I hope I covered it up with the cockiness. He smiles and puts his phone away without looking at me. Then reaches behind him for a meal that matches his setting it across from him on the island.

"You know your lucky your hot or I may not put up with the other guy sharing your mind. Cuz no matter how hot, I don't date assholes." His wink at me has the nerves calming but the weirdness in the chest kicking up.


	97. Chapter 97

"That sounds weird you know?" I watch him chew the last of his sandwich as I bite into my own. I try to hide the grimace as I realize he put tomato on it. I hate tomatoes.

"What sounds weird?" he is now the one watching me. He leans over and takes my sandwich, liberates the tomato from it and stuffs it in his mouth then hands the sandwich back. Not missing a beat. "What's weird babe?"

"Well that for one. How did you know the tomato was what I didn't like? I mean maybe it was the mayo?" I take another bite and it is perfect this time.

"Well you picked them out of your salad, you ordered your burger without it and you dabbed any extra sauce off your pizza. You aren't the only one that sees things."

"Then why did you put it on my sandwich?" my mouth is full and my mother would be horrified but I'm not worried around him.

"First don't talk with your mouth full." Okay maybe I do. "Second, I love them and I wasn't sure if you suffocated or not so there was a good chance I was going to eat that one too." Balling up my napkin I throw it at him. He catches it and hands me a new one.

"Always with the keeping your cool huh?" Shoving the rest of my dinner in my mouth I wash it down with the soda and feel the mood shift back now.

"Someone has to with that whiplash personality you have."

"Funny thing is I never have had it before. Must be you bringing it out." I am ready for him to call me on it. And he doesn't disappoint.

"Bull, and don't try to claim otherwise. I will recite a list a mile long." clearing the counter he puts the dishes away and rounds the counter. The smiles and lightness dims in ratio to his closeness to me. He gets closer and closer. And all I can do is turn to look at him, mouth flapped open. Yup I am pretty sure I look all the bad ass I want to. But statue look is all the rage I guess because it keeps up until he leans down and kisses me.

"Welcome back boyfriend" then he pulls me from my seat and drags me to the couch. After neatly placed he flops at the other end and shit just got serious.

"Okay so now are we gonna talk or what?" yup it got real serious.


	98. Chapter 98

"Translation, are you done being a little bitch and going to be a grown up?" he gave a little snort. "Yes, I think I have my vag safely packed away for now."

"Well good then. Now you want to go first or should I?" my turn to snort. I never would have guess him like this. "what's so funny?"

"Nothing, just you are full of surprises that's all." the look of really now on his face is another pleasant one.

"No, really, I think I am pretty cut and dry, a man of schedule and routine. I am someone you can set your clock to. You on the other hand." he rolled his eyes and rubbed his eyes before his hand sweeps down the side of his face and cups the side face to jaw. I cock a brow in a dare and just give a shrug and and eyebrow rise. "What?"

"Nothing, not a thing. And I think you should probably lead this all off. Being so cut and dry and all." I get the look again and now it's my turn. "What?"

"Nothing." I figured that would be what he would say. He has let me lead us away from the nitty gritty to many times now. "Why did you come at me like that in there before?"

Fun over, I have been shut down. "Because I wanted you?" I'm not sure how raw I want to leave myself right now.

"I was talking about us Ed."

"No you weren't you were talk about 'him'" I can't help the snarky tone it just has to be there. "You were pointing out how great he was, all the things he was and how he was and reminding me,"

"No I was mapping it out, telling you about my life. You don't think that it pisses me off every fucking time I hear about your past? How it hurts and dis a hole in my gut every single time you talk about it. How oh must have been my this time through rehab, oh it was after this bender? That shit hurts too, but I don't cut you off. No matter how hard shit is this is how you act like a grown up."

Guess I got the what for and every bit of rebel child wants to stomp my feet and act like a brat. Every part of my you can't tell me what to do teenager demands I slam a door. And an over powering part of my junkie wants to scream fuck you and get high. I choose to try a new route.

"Sorry, I was feeling like you were stacking the cards against me and I wanted to get at least something. Even if it was just physical, at least that was something." I can't look at him. I just pick at the seem on the back of the couch.

"Don't you know? I really wish you would look at me." he waits and I still stair at my fingers play. "Fine, but you have to know I can be long winded and I wasn't pointing out you faults. If you hadn't attacked you would have known that."

I heard the snarky snort out of myself and can't even care. I am in my pouty little boy mood. Not proud of it but I am.

A/N: hey all getting caught up with life again. All this hippie mom stuff and to top it off my 20yr is this weekend and I am being bullied into going by the old crew. GRRRR lol but gonna be getting stuff out. Trying we are getting to the last mrphhhhmmmumblish chapters... Lol promise I know what is going on... Thanks to those how read and stick with it! Loves to the reviewers. And yup that's it my plea to stick with me... WUBBIESS!


	99. Chapter 99

Spoiled brat is the only thing that comes to mine. He acts like I took his shiny new toy and kick sand in his face. "Do you always act this way when you are told no? Because frankly that might be a deal breaker baby boy." I waited a few beats, he is predictable that way sometimes. Sure enough his eyes snap up. "There you are, hi."

"The baby boy is very much a deal breaker for me!" his tone shows the depth of where that goes but I leave it at a nod. "And no I don't but, I don't know why is it twenty years and a life time and a half of experiences mean jack shit when I am sitting here with you?"

I would love to give him something profound and worldly but I can't. All I can give him is what I don't understand.

"All I know is we had a path we were on, it wasn't working and now we are maybe on the right one?" yup a grasp at straws but I hope he got it.

"But why the fuck is it so fucking hard? Why the fucking hell does it have to be so shitty? What ever happened to the shit in that one guys books? Sparkles or what ever? He has it always so sweet, then it gets rough but it all works out so smoothly and shit."

I honestly am biting my tongue trying not to bark out a laugh, it wouldn't be right. I take a few deep breaths and finally hope to keep my voice even. I can't keep the smile at bay though.

"Sparks babe. And when, I mean, well, how?"

"I had a queen as a roommate at," his pause shows me so much on his train of thought. "I yeah well he was hooked and I was really bored that blizzard. I was reading by flashlight and being a quick reader I think I went through about four of them before going and counting the popcorn on the ceiling."

"Let me tell you something. Life is never gonna be easy for us. If it wasn't hard enough just being gay, the history, the back story of us. All of it says we work for it or we go home." I pause and look at him and his eyes are somewhere around my knee region. Not ideal but they are on me. "Let me tell you this. I may not be in a place I purchased, I may not have familiar things around me but I have you in sight and I am home."

His eyes are on my face in a heart beat and I see them dancing. He has the urge to lunge and use sex again. I count to five and he is settled. His left hand is on my right calf though. It's rhythmic squeezing shows me he is using me as his ground wire.

"I didn't want to hear how I would never measure up, how I am so damaged not even you could love me." It was a soft spoken worry of a scared little boy. "It ws better to have one good memory then none when you left. When you saw how broken I was."

My heart fell and crashed in seconds. Thankfully the practice of quick recovery and masking comes in handy. "I have never seen you are broken, a bit bent maybe. But never broken. And I have told you before, I have always loved you."


	100. Chapter 100

I was worried when he stood, but soon he was above me and holding out his hand.

"Come with me and lay down," I open to protest but he shakes his head. "No I want to hear I do but I want to hold you. I need to be grounded while I hear it out. I have been an ass, I have been fucking up all my life. I don't want the urge to run anymore, I don't want the lost feeling. You say you have always loved me and always knew. Well I didn't I was late to the game and a lot didn't make sense until not so long ago. So please I am trying to meet you half way here."

I grab his hand and hold on but I don't move from the couch. I just hold his hand, run my fingers back and forth over his knuckles. I watch my thumb move a few times before I look up at him. I have to really think about this? I am baffled by the nerves that finally hit. I have been through all this ad it has been a feet first free fall. Never once letting myself feel scared. Now I am petrified.

"I promise I won't jump you. I WILL hear you out and I will take what ever comes." his fingers squeezing me back just gives me the push I need. The clammy touch shows me he is just as scared as I am. The tremble of his fingers and the race of his pulse have me following him. I crawl in first and he settles against me. I was right in saying this was home.

"No jumping?" I have to admit his flirty side is rubbing of, um well yup.

"Not unless you say it's okay." I give a small laugh and try to keep serious. It's not easy around him. But we make the walk down the hall.


	101. Chapter 101

I was nervous to ask him back here but knew that if I didn't feel safe it wasn't going to happen. The few heart beats he wavered had me feeling the itch, now here I feel secure I feel scared as hell but I feel like I am going to hear it and still be okay. Finally we were there though, I tried not to be a clingy little bitch as I wrapped around him and slowed my breathing.

"You good?" I nod against his shoulder and he squeezes my side. "Okay, as I was saying, Jason," he paused waiting for my reaction I know.

"It's fine." Give and take I have to remember.

"Jason was my husband, he was all things you could want, or suppose to want. He was the first and only guy to ask me out, he was my first kiss, my first fuck, my first anything. Well almost."

I want to ask it but it hangs in the air along with a bit of guilt because we both know.

"We had a good relationship for the most part, I mean there were time but it was good until the end. He was creative and caring and over the top and never once had I felt bad about being with a man. So I loved him." Finally I heard the indifference in his voice. Listening to his breathing and his heart had me to the point where I wasn't all trapped up in the me me of it. I could hear more then the you're not good enough. I could hear just him talking.

"I loved him and he loved me. It was good."

"But?"

"But well you know how it is, our families and circles and well." now my heart kicks up.

"The talk, the papers, yeah I know." I close my eyes and I can see the clippings and blurbs, the echos in circles. When you have money it never seems to go undocumented.

"I think in the end he was cruel but more honest actually. Very honest. He called me out." I can feel his emotion instead of see it this time. I feel him hold me tighter, I can feel the tenseness in his body, now I am getting it and find myself running my fingers over his chest wanting to make cooing sounds. Who knows I may have even made them.

"More, please I can deal and you need to get it out." I scoot up so I am closer to his neck his pulse point there. I have found it is where he smells the best and my favorite place on him. I kiss his neck right there then scoot up higher and pull him down on to my own shoulder. There is no weaker or stronger anymore with us there is just who needs who at the moment.

Thankfully the transition is smooth and he shifts to wrap his arm around my waist. Then talks again. I let out the breath I had been unaware of holding.

"I guess I had always looked for news but I was loyal to him. I never had a stray thought but I guess he knew. He saw what I didn't. He knew only once the disease and the drugs came into play did he feel brave enough to call me out I guess. He called himself delusional I now see it as I was the one that was. After twelve years he had to have had enough I guess."

I worry how bad it got and worry what else gets put on my tab. Not that I would let Emmett know I was racking up a karma chart.

"It wasn't him. You know that right?" I try to reassure him as I rub his back.

"But it was the truth, I had held on to long. I tried not to let it show but he saw, of course he did, he was and observer. He could see my tells. And in the end through all the ugly screaming matches, the low points, I took out at the gym in the end. If I was honest he was right when he said I had always been cheating on him."

"No!" I bark out louder then I should have and he jumps but I can't let him put this on him.

His squeeze chills me some but I still can't have him putting this on himself. "Sorry but you didn't. You had no blame here."

"Neither did you." his stubbled chin rubs back and forth on my chest and I can feel every whisker through the thin cotton of my shirt.

"It may have been different if I had been stronger." It was a statement but felt more like a question.

"No baby it wouldn't have. We still would have been at this point some how. It may have played out the same way as it did with him." I finally look down and he looks up. So beautiful and so strong but looking so much like the little boy I first saw and I can finally put a name to what I felt all the way back then but not ready to say it yet. Not while we were talking about someone else.

"You don't know that." his eyes are so smokey blue and honest. I hope mine are reflecting the same.

"Yes I do. I know what I had to do to get where I am, where we are. There is a way we are all are destined to be and if it had played out different it would have been you that payed the price. You would have been left with a junkie of a partner and instead of burying me you would have been dealing with me. Some how some way it would have happened. This is how it should be."

"How the hell did you get so smart in the last few hours?"

"I had someone help me pull my head out o my ass." I can feel him smile into my chest.

"Well I think you were about out of air in there." My turn to smile.

"But, facts remain. I, I was the one to go on and give up. I loved him but I did cheat on him." I make a protesting sound but he reaches up and keeps me still and I obey willingly. It's all about trust. "I gave him everything I could. I loved him best I could, I loved him but there wasn't the same love. He told me in the end that he knew, he knew I tried but if nothing else happened in my life that if I didn't go after my heart it would be lost forever. This is me making the leap and reaching for it. I loved him but I have always been in love with you. There is no fixing that or getting over that. So yes. I have put time in, it has been scary and nothing scares me more then going on from here without you, but I am going to go for it. Jason was my husband but you are my life. So I will take the bruises as they come but I take them with the knowledge that I put it out there and tried."

A/N: Battling a tummy bug but sticking with it. I am knee deep in the end here and very close to it.


	102. Chapter 102

What is there to say to that? I know how the books and movies go. I know the way every romantic girl in the world expects it to go. But when it is said to you, when you are in the place I am now It is a blank. It should e all hearts and flowers like in the movies. It should be final kiss the end. It's not. It's tense, it's the weight of the world hanging on you. It's more fuck up and lose it all, it's the gift of a lifetime or depths of hell. I would have a headache if I could stop and digest it.

He does what I hoped he wouldn't and rolls over on to his back and scoots up. His arms at his sides and he is in a relaxed position but I know it doesn't match his mood. But he is doing what he has to for me. Never pushing me beyond what he thinks I can handle. I know what is going on in his head too. I don't know how I have gotten the bee line to his brain but it is just there. What I see I don't like. It is him going into his scary place. His self doubting and worry spot. He is scared he pushed it or opened up to much. That can't happen.

I have never been brave, I have always been a bully or a coward. I have never gone for it sober. I have never taken what I wanted without a dare. I have lived a life of a low life in a haze. In front of me is a rope with plenty of knots dangled in front of me. I have already grabbed the first ones at the bottom. This time I am going to suck it up and reach for the ones at the top.

With a few deep breaths I take the last one and roll over on to him. I put a fist on each side of his chest and settle my knees between his thighs I am waiting for a sign I have over stepped and when I get none I lower down. My head is even with his chest as I stretch my legs out. I feel the sparks as our bodies meet. His hands go to the hem at the back of my shirt and lift it off of me before my abs meet his stomach. Then my fingers are twined and my chin rests on them as I stare up at him. His eyes are sparkling between thick lashes. It takes my breath away. The moment his fingers thread through my hair I am sure I sucked up all the oxygen in the room.

"I'm scared."

He gives me nothing but keeps the soothing strokes to the scalp.

"I don't know what to do with it."

The strokes keep up, his breathing is even and his eyes are on mine. Not giving anything. It is frustrating as hell but I know what he is doing. I look at him, I feel him. I get it. All of it. I may not be able to recall much when I am around him lately but I can recall every minute from the far past.

"I love you?" lame, yup, I feel my fingers shake.

He cocks a brow and keeps up the scratching strokes of my head.

I rub my face and then put my hands firmer on his chest. I am hoping I can pull this off. My hands slide down his sides until the meet the bed and I use what ever strength I can muster to push myself up and above him. Face to face. His hands have gone down my body and are now firmly placed above my hips. I have to leap, it isn't a could, or can it is a have to.

"I love you." There I had it out as a statement, said and true it was there. His fingers tighten and that is the last thing I register before I am pulled down.

"That is all I needed to know." My mouth is crushed to his and that is it, I have no more worries.


	103. Chapter 103

The slow build up of all our lives was not a damn thing compared to the waiting of the last hour. I would gladly do the first twenty plus years over again and again to never have to redo these last sixty minutes. To have to watch him play it out, to feel him go over it. The tense struggles and the flight instinct wanting to take over and praying that it wouldn't. All the while trying to keep my cool. Yup never again want to go through that again. I almost leaped when he first said it but I couldn't and was thankful his chest wasn't right on mine because it was enough feeling the pulse behind his ears. I felt how nervous he was and I was tempted to take his love in any form but no. I held my ground and waited. Then I was gifted the most beautiful thing ever. I knew he was mine. There will be doubt, there will be drama and I am hoping not but there may be relapses but I know right now his beautifully painted flesh is flush with mine and his love is tattooed on my heart. There is never a question as our mouths duel for who has felt the lost time more, that this is it for me and I hope him too.

A/N: yup... For tonight but only because there isn't but a few left... Yes cruel but I need to leave some busy work for tomorrow to keep my mind off my 20yr HS reunion on Friday... EEk, The rest is good as far as I am concerned though. Also thank you all for the illness well wishes. I had a very late start to my day but powered through. Not 100% but doing better today.


	104. Chapter 104

Fingers in hair, tongues, lips teeth. Muscles straining hip bones grinding, with some pain but good pain. It all overwhelms the senses. I feel him above me but my head is so dizzy and clouded I feel like I am higher then I have ever been before. I am over come and suddenly I go limp. Not just there but everywhere. My lifting legs go slack, my arms fall to the mattress and my mouth goes slack. All I see is darkness, I feel the cool air across my chest and thighs. I knew it was to good to be true. I knew it was all just a trick my mind was playing. I wait for the ceiling to come into focus and the sterile smell to seep in my nose. It was the most believable delusion I had ever had but it told me I had hit the big drugs this time.

There wasn't many I hadn't tried and I want to know what combo it was this time because, frankly this time I want to take it to the end. I have never been so happy in a trip before and I want to ride that one out. This coming down was so heartbreaking I don't want to face any therapy, there is no sort of rehab for it. Nope this is it. The end. I start to try and my my senses come to life, I try to bring my right mind about to plan an out so I can find who I was with and what I did. Yup this was it, checking out time.

I hear foot steps, the soft kind, probably a nurse with the squishy shoes. The ones they wear that don't squeak or thud so they don't freak out or startle us loonies. There is talking in hush tones. A conversation for sure but only a hushed monotone voice comes through.

I wish I wasn't here, I wish they had left me on what ever floor I had been on. I would have been in what ever place I had been and I would have gone happy. His mouth on me. His flesh under my fingers. Finally skin to skin. I had so many hopes in my delusion, so many dreams. Now I am here again to play the part so I can get out and do it again. Now just to remember where I got what it was.

A cold something or another touches my forehead and I flinch. From the place on the temple I am sure it is another cut or scrap I have and they are tending to the beast before I am fully alert. Pretty standard since I am sure my records reflect how I am when they approach me fully alert and itching.

I just lay there though. Focus still not registered, still blurs of lights and shadows. I just let what ever happens, happen. I won't fight this time. I will just wait it out. Play nice and get out so I can at least try and find my way back to him in some state.

A/N: I survived my 20th! Okay and then hubby's bday dinner, now I am back at it. Don't hate here. I want to leave a finally cliffy before the last couple chapters. Kisses! Loves? I have been duel writing tonight with this and Blame it so I am only sure to post this tonight more tomorrow!


	105. Chapter 105

"No he's coming to." His voice, how cruel is the mind of a crazy person? "Nope still mumbling about drugs and things." Of course I am and how could they give me a male nurse. This shit just gets better and better. I feel my temper start to rise but remember I am going to play good boy to get out as quick as I can. I relax my fingers, try to un tense my thighs. Counting my breathing I hear the voice again. "He is playing opossum, he was tense and I think coming around now he is limp again." there was a pause and I thought I heard another voice but it was like hearing under water. "Yes, uhuh, okay I will. Yes thanks for the help. No I will, promise."

I felt the cool cloth rest over my whole forehead and fingers stroking down my jaw. Then just the cloth, everything else was gone. The dip in the bed, the heat of a body next to me, everything. I was alone. I reach up to remove the cloth and then hear a soft song.

The first words have me feeling I may be over the top bat shit or have a bit of hope.

"In every heart, there is a room. A sanctuary safe from harm..."

My eyes flip open and I have either lost it finally beyond repair or I am in heaven.

"Billy?" only one thing could tell me for sure.

His lips are soft and my eyes are open. They are quick and trembling. His hand so soft on my neck. His eyes dance all over my face. Before speaking.

"And so it goes." His smile is laced with worry then a small smile plays at the corners of his mouth. "And the name is Emmett Thank you very much."


	106. Chapter 106

I wish I could have smacked him but his lips touched mine briefly and the music in the background had me mellow and confused.

"What the fuck just happened?" he is just looking dow at me, I see the phone on the night stand, the washcloth beside it my phone is there too.

"Well we were getting hot and heavy and then poof."

"Poof?"

"Yup poof, you went to la la land. Doc Jane says it was sensory overload." his fingers stroke my chest gently barely touching like he was scared of the contact.

"Doc Jane? Wha.. What the? I, um what?"

"Yeah she said it was some kind of sensory overload. Let me tell you explaining what was going on and all that was just all kinds of weird. I mean I have never talked to the woman before and she was asking all this shit and then there is the fact that I have never cared for shrinks so,"

"Therapist" I have no idea where my voice came from it sounded weird to me.

"Therapists. But anyway after I did some talking she told me what was going on. That you freaked out and probably went into a shock or something and well then I had to think quick and so I put on the song and tried what I could to get you to come around. Then the phone rang again and well here we are."

I'm sure it all made sense to him but I was still baffled as hell. Pushing myself up I have to wrap my messed up mind around this a bit further, though I hate to crush how happy he looks.

"Okay can you break this down a bit? I mean I get I tripped out. No drugs though?" he shakes his head no, relief. "I freaked out after we were, um?" he nods again "Then you got to talking to mmy shrink somehow and Billy Joel brought me out of it?"

He nods and I am out of words I just wait for him to catch on to speak.

"Oh, sorry my turn, um well. We were making out and things were going well, well and I was hopeful but ready to stop and take your lead. I think we were both really into it and I said I love you in your ear and poof." I love how he explains my freak out.

"Okay and the other half?" I am remembering and getting hot again remembering him as my human blanket but need to get this figured out.

"Well I freaked. I had no clue what was up. One minute your hands are on me the next they aren't. I thought you were second guessing it all until I couldn't get you to open your eyes, you were breathing but kind of weird like and so I called the only person I could think of."

"Doc Jane?" no clue how he would have found her number.

"No Ange. I am serious that girl is going on salary. But I called her and she talked me down from calling 911." Thank god for that. "Then she told me to look in your phone for your shr, therapist, and I did. So I called her. And well you know the rest."

Not really, honestly I didn't and didn't know if I wanted to.

"So it wasn't tripped out dream?" he shakes no, "I didn't go off the deep end?" he gives a so so shoulder shrug, I'll take it. "You stuck with me and went to weird lengths to get me back?" he nods and sheepishly smiles. "You played my favorite song to try and get me back?" His smile is bigger like it was a lucky guess he got right. "You are putting Ange on staff?" he nods again and leans closer getting to the point where we are almost in the same place as before my freak out. "You understand I might do that again?" he moves over me more and I slide down. Now he makes a yes type sound in his throat. "You're not freaked out?" he pulls his head back and gives me an oh please look. "And you are gonna kiss me again now?" Now is my time to smile.

"You better fucking bet on it." And his mouth is on mine, hands in my hair and his eyes are open. We watch each other as we kiss making sure the other is real. I grab his shoulders so I can hold him as close as I can to be completely sure.

He is real. He is here and he is currently mine.


	107. Chapter 107

I should have done more then nod like an idiot or given a rushed, mixed up explanation of what happened but I was trying to keep myself from going through 'sensory overload'. So I rushed through it and just thought about how soon I would touch him. Selfish as hell but I can't be bothered to care at the moment. In some point of the kiss my eyes drifted from open to close a dozen times over as my tongue danced with his then moved all over him. I couldn't tell the lapse in time or find a place I wanted to kiss or lick or bite more.

I am hoping it lasted longer then I thought it was but all I could think about was getting him naked and under me. The full length of him stretched out in all it's decorated glory. Chest to chest was an amazing feeling but it still didn't feel close enough. I had to take it slow and feel my way but as my fingers ran along his waistband his did the same on mine. He lifted his hips as my own pants were drug down. As we kicked our remaining clothes off it felt wrong to be over him, above him and in control. I wanted us on equal ground and thought to myself what an odd contrast of moments ago thoughts. Here we were in the epic build and all I could think about was how he was. What he might perceive and though my hands were all over his bare flesh I took a shift to the side. Thank the fates I did because there he was, more real and colorful then I could have ever hoped for. I wanted his mouth, I wanted his cock, I wanted us in a blur of moving parts. Moving in erotic ways. But all I could do was take him in. From the top of his gorgeous head down his painted body, all the way to the tips of his toes. All I could do is think. This is mine, this is all for me. My heart is his to break. There is nothing else for me.

"It is and ditto." I smile because I'm not sure if I spoke out loud or he is just feeling the same. His fingers trace down my neck and my shoulder, tracing a path across the lines of muscles I spent hours building. My fingers start at the words on his neck that brought him back to me down a path of notes and words that flow into pictures he spent hours having drilled into his skin. Each one of us have put pain into beauty and I am sure both of us don't regret a moment of it. When I catch his eyes with mine both our hands stop.

I have to hold my breath as I watch him. I feel dizzy and turned on. It is intense and I am not sure I have ever felt this close to passing out, especially just looking at some one. Then his hand is firm on my jaw and he brings me back to focus.

"Hey! Hey!" I really focus now and feel my breathing regulate. I look at him and come out of the haze a bit. "That's better. Don't freak out okay. I love you, I know where I am and I know what I am doing. Nod if you hear me." I do and try not to smirk or laugh. "K, well then listen up. I am here, sane and I love you. Okay?"

"K" his smile is cocky and sexy as hell.

"Okay so stop looking and start touching!"

You don't have to tell me twice!

A/N: I am such a tease I know... I am seeing 3 more chapters with the epi. The next one... THE GOOD ONE! Eeppp! Is next... But it flows in to the last 3 so I am debating posting tonight... Don't hate all love! 3 MUWAH


	108. Chapter 108

The torture begins, he seems to want to touch every part of my skin. Not that it is a bad thing. But the fact that he is holding my hands still at my sides is the part that has me whimpering and squirming. That is when he is not having me throw my head back in a full on moaning fit. I can't even understand what is coming out of my mouth.

I want his hard muscles and tone skin under my fingers, I want to taste the saltiness of his skin and make him make those sounds. The brief moments I try to free myself to do so are met with a stroke of his thumb on the inside of my wrist. If that didn't work he lathed me in a new spot with his oh so talented tongue.

"I need to touch you." I beg as I can't hold back much longer, I am straining to keep myself from blowing as is.

"We are touching." his playful eyes don't help in the 'yup I can take this' department. Especially as he licks up my side.

"Not what I mean and you know it." He laughs. Who the hell laughs at a time like this. I mean I can feel him rock hard and leaking his excitement on the side of my leg.

"I do know and I know I have waited to long for this to let an orgasm or two get in the way of me enjoying every minute of your skin under me." Then he licks up my side to the words scrolled out there. He is so close to my chest and the nipple I am begging silently the he touches. In his tortures so far he has hit ever erotic spot I never knew I had but none of the ones that really are. I moan as his teeth nip at the top of my chest and up my neck. He tugs at my ears and then follows the burn with his gentle lips sucking it away.

"You are killing me here." I sound as desperate but I don't care, I am. Then a shock shoots through my body as his hip comes level with mine. The collective moan is erotic as hell and at the same time makes no sense, since there is still nothing but hips touching. But with him it is like every part of me is an erotic zone. Like if we touched pinkies I would come.

The room is filled with the heavy sounds of his mutual agreement via the sharp intake if his on breath and the pause in all of his movements and torture.

"I love you." he is stock still and looking right at me.

"I love you too." his bright blue eyes look at me with the hint of a tear or two in them. It is one fluid motion as he moves up and over me. His hand on my jaw, his lips on mine, our bodies finally fully touching. His hard body is the weight I need and his hard cock next to mine it all it takes for me to explode. I want to throw my head back and scream and I may have tried but my jaw is in his hands and soon my open mouth is gathering his screams too. I am lost in every mood, motion and sensation that could ever happen in a matter of seconds. I have never had so many things going on at one time and I just let myself go and just try to focus on one feeling. One general overall feeling.

I had never felt so free, such a relief. Every high I had ever chased had never even come close to this, and he didn't give a second of relent. His mouth never left mine even as I felt our mutual release between us. He softened briefly and his pace slowed, picking up a much more intimate rhythm but it kept going. I couldn't be sure if I ever softened at all, laws of basic human function would say I did but I was so lost it couldn't have been for long.

Breaking for air I couldn't let any part of myself separate more then a few inches from him but I was getting to that dizzy point again. I drew in deep breaths and he slowed down his motions but never stopped. Even when he pushed up and we were slick and hard and side by side. I could feel the pulse in his cock against mine and he still gave a slow movement or two. But he was focused on me.

"Are you okay baby?" His desire and his concern showed on his face clearly. I knew I could say no and he would be off me and in caregiver mood in a heartbeat. But I wanted to be the giver this time. I wanted to show him how okay I was with everything. Now that I have caught my breath and grounded myself, to him, I wanted to give into him.

"I'm just fine but I would be even better if you were inside me." The smile that stretched across his face was, Christmas morning and the fourth of July all rolled into one.


	109. Chapter 109

I was ready for that to be it for the night. I was given more then I had ever hoped for but his words excited and scared me. I was sure it would be to much to fast, to soon. I was ready to protest even though my body had other plans. I had even started to soften some in fear.

"I, baby, I'm just not," but I was cut off as his fingers latched on to the back of my head and his mouth latched on to mine. Words were absolutely gone as his thighs parted and I slipped between. It was home. Though just resting there was enough for me, I knew what was to come and I was shaking.

"I am sure, I want this. I want the walls all down." He was now the one holding my face in frame. He was now the one in charge even with my massive frame above him he was the one in charge here. "We have been through hell and back and that's just the past few days. Now I want it for good, forever or nothing at all."

It was a lot to bargain for, it was all I ever wanted to hear. It was all or nothing. It was the moon and the stars that came with fire blazing comets at every turn. But it was the good moments, the pleasure and pain. The highs and lows. Why the hell am I even taking a second to think about this? I must be crazy. But I am, there has been the pain of a loyal partner. Then there has been the pain I was caused time and again by the love of my life. Here he is beneath me. Bare, raw, there for the taking and here I am thinking?

I feel his arms slip away, I feel the retreat, I feel like shit for ever doubting. I feel cold and more alone then I ever did even after Jason died. This is my brass ring to grab, IT is a heartbeat away. I look down and see him, so hurt, and lost and there is no need for it. I hold his head so he has no choice but to look right at me. A horse with blinders on, and I wait until I can see his sad blood shot eyes look into mine. When they do I have to stop and catch my breath, the green is so brightened from the darkness surrounding them. I want to do anything I can to pull him out of it. I want the dark to go away and have them sparkle with sheer joy. Sappy shit but it is what I want. I will settle for the truth.

"There you are, hi." his smile is sad and lovely all at the same time.

"Hi" is is very low and quiet.

"I want you, I want to take this and roll it into an amazing night. I do. But," he tries to turn his head at the but and I am not letting that happen. "No, don't do that. Just listen." I have to wait through a few minutes of feeling his jaw tick and his body tense and relax before I am sure he is listening. "I would love to go for it completely but I just don't think this is the way we should move on right now."

It's not easy saying no to a sure thing, even more so when it is the love of your life. Even more then that the fact that you aren't sure how he will take it. He is quiet a long time and I am getting scared so I roll to the side. I want him to have the chance to leave completely if he needs to, but I keep a hand on the side of his face in hopes he doesn't. My other hand rests on his chest and the seconds beat past, then his hand comes up to cover mine and pulls it up and over his heart. The thud is a song to me. It beats, steady and strong and not in panic. It is me knowing he is here and alive. His long fingers stroking over the back of my hand are my saving breath. They tell me that my fight wasn't for nothing. His lips pressing to my hair are the finale shock to my system to give me the all clear. This patient may survive after all, his voice is the clencher that tells me for sure.

"I understand, I get it. Don't worry, and please for the love of all things please slow your heart down." I didn't even realize how fast my pulse was going until his rhythmic stroking had me focusing on it. "I swear if I have gone through all this to be left alone I will bring you back to life and smother you to death with a pillow."

I have to chuckle at how serious he sounds and move up to be face to face. Moving so we are on our sides and face to face I pull him as close as I can. Just feeling him that close is really it for me. It is a place I never thought I could ever be, a happy I never thought I would find. But it is here, it is mine. Will it have a huge price tag, probably. Will it be hurtful at times? For sure. But it is here and it is mine and I will take it.

"I can promise you that there is nothing in this world that can ever make me leave this world without you." I think over the many times I have heard him almost leaving this world and it scares me to think about it.

"Baby, I'm not going back there." his hand is on my chest and I am pretty sure I know why he has the alarmed tone. He has always been able to read me. Just a look across a room and that was it. This close he knew.

"You can't promise that," he gives me a huff and I am calling it with I hope a for reals look. "You can't. Plain and simple. But I am just going to tell you this that I know for sure. I never want to leave this bed. Good bad and the down right ugly. There is nothing but you me and this bed. So even if the mattress changes, even if the house changes. Our bed is where I will always be. I take it all."

"How can you say that? That is truly crazy talk. I want this to work, I want to say I am done and clean from now on but if I do go back there I don't want you to stay. Do you understand me. If the one thing that is good in my life isn't enough and I slip back I don't want you to see that or go through that." I know he is scared just by the way he is tensing up and talking in short bursts but there is no way I would do what he is asking and I want to make it clear as day so I lift up and cover him again.

"Frankly baby, I don't give a shit what you want. I will be there for it all. I buried a husband I didn't love enough I refuse to walk away from one I love to much. Is that clear enough for you?" Bending down I throw everything I have into a kiss on his stunned mouth. I hadn't meant to propose like that and hope he didn't catch on. There was no intention of getting that deep that far ahead that fast. I just tend to let my mouth get away from me. Fact is he is it, I had another and now the real deal. If it isn't him forever, it isn't anyone.

Thankfully he pulls right back into the intensity of our mouths and bodies. This time when he parts his legs I let myself slip between, his legs arch up and allow my returning hardness to slip low. The movement of his hips and his own erection seeking friction slip me to just the right place. As his legs stretch I slide so close. I shudder to hold back the urge as his erections presses against my stomach. Then his hips work me so close to heaven. His hands on my ass pulling me closer. I want no more then to try and push forwards. I move back though so my shaft brushes against his entrance then back. The pulsing feeling of his own excitement spurring me on to press against him to give him the friction he needs. I would give anything to slip into him as I make the pass once again.

I wish I could say it was magical and ends in some romantic crest with a swell of music, but as I feel him so close and we grind simulating the motions I wish we were prepared for I feel a building. As he grips my shoulders and his finger tips bite into my skin I know it is there. Our mouths part as we both grip bruisingly tight and our heads throw back. There is so much blood rushing to my ears I don't know how much sound we made if any at all. The next thing I hear is heavy breathing and then a chuckle. I have to let myself catch up to conscious thought. He on the other hand is a clear thinking after orgasm. His chuckle leads to full on belly laughs. Then it stops and I am on my back. Mess sweaty and hardly thinking he is over me. I am thinking now. No other choice with the way things changed again.

"Don't you dare think that counts." He is completely serious about what ever he is talking about but I wait for him to explain as I try to put all the endorphins in place. All I can do is shake my head and hope he carries on. When he doesn't so I try my best and hope my voice comes out semi normal.

"What counts? Baby? I'm sorry brain is not on the top of it's game right now."

"The husband thing." Ah, I had totally let that part slip but that is why I started it.

"Um yeah I was hoping,"

"That I would be dazzled by your mad skills and not catch on? Yup, well sorry sweetheart but crystal clear up here and sharp as a tack." He taps the side of his head and has the best smile ever on his face. It is all proud of his mad skills and one upping me. "You may be able to cloud my perfect memory for a time but the important shit is crystal!"

I'm not sure where I go here or what he wants here. I always knew he had a brilliant mind and was always underestimated but I knew.

"I um, well I" nope brain still not catching up to figure it out.

"You will do it right and well I don't know? Maybe some courting, a bit of wooing. Yeah I want wooing, and a whole hell of a lot of romance. After all a first boyfriend doesn't just go and plan out marriage and all that shit without some fancy dates, lots of dates. Followed by a big ass ring." I have to cock a brow at him and hold back a laugh. Just the image of this hard assed inked up man sporting a huge rock is funny as hell to me. I must have let it show though as I am greeted with a very hard fist to the shoulder. As I try and wipe the look from my face his hands go to each side of my head and he lowers a bit. Inches from me I am locked on his eyes, so clear and serious. "You will be giving the rocks, I am sure you can get creative in figuring out how they fit." Then his lips are on mine again. The way he is throwing into I am sure the sheets will just need to be tossed not just watched if we keep up this way. I have to be heard to though. Using my size and the lax in his arms as we kiss I take the chance to flip him so I am on top. Once again body to body. Pulling away just a fraction I have to make myself known.

"You want rocks? You got them. You want wining and dining? It's yours. All I demand is forever."

It isn't even a glimmer of a second for him to respond.

"It's your's."

A/N: Sorry. :/ the problems and reasons have been way to many. From family and back to school stuff to having my email hacked they add up. There is one more and that is it. Thanks to allt hat have stuck with me!


	110. Chapter 110

Good-bye was never a word I paired with him. Move on yes. Good-bye never. It was a miracle that things came to be as they did. I didn't deserve it, I blew it way to many times. The three strikes met long before we even ever touched let alone ever got to the place where we were skin to skin. The things that happened in between were my coffin nails. I knew in my heart it wouldn't last. I knew it was going to end any minute. He was to good for me. Way to pure of heart. The fates would never let it be the happy ending. Nope I was a lost cause. I had always let my feelings get the best of me. I learned over the years that these thoughts get me down, self hatred had thrown many a loop my way and this time is no different. I had slipped out of his arms as he tossed and turned. From the sheets warmed by him and out into the cool dark room. I listened for any signs that I disturbed the peaceful sleeping all around us. I didn't.

Now I stand here under the spray of hot water, forehead against the humid warming tile trying to find a way to go on. It hadn't been perfect, there was no sweet first time really. It was awkward, and lets face it a bit painful. But with his words and touch soon we got where we wanted and needed to be. I have heard that is how anyone's first usually is so I took comfort in that. I have had sex before in lots of ways. I can remember most of them. Some through a haze, most through a haze but never once sober. It seemed so stripped down and clinical. That isn't really fair I guess but it wasn't storybook either. I just couldn't shut my mind down to the actions, the movements. My mind was taking in everything and cataloging it. There was nothing seeming like it was really me. Really us. It was a process I was going through and filing away.

There, right there was my flaw. My major defect in play. When it came to actually opening up and feeling and being a part of life something in me shuts off and just takes notes. Then the emotions come later and strike out when they shouldn't. When they make no sense.

So pecks and kisses followed his release and I ease into the weight of him on me and the small sweet noises he makes as he slips into sleep. And now I stand here, familiar heat raining down, hard tile against my hard head. And alone. I want to punch the tile and scream fuck off to them all. My fist clenches above my head and I feel my shoulder tense ready to pull back for the punch. Why must I always be the one to ruin it. I have the golden ticket there, the one thing I have always wanted wrapped up in a big shiny bow and here I am. Of all the things I want right now, it would be to shut off my brain. Let it all go blank, not with a drug, not with booze, just on it's own shut down. I can feel the shaking in my shoulders the trembling in my legs and the tension up my spine. My jaw is locked tight, so tight I am sure I am going to have to get a tooth or two fixed.

Just about the moment I was ready to burst out of my skin a hand reaches in and turns the water off and another strong hand joins the first and pulls me from the confines of my self inflicted prison. Things melted from memories as a soft towel dries me from head to toe and strong arms lift me and place me on fresh smelling sheets. The air is cool on my over heated skin and the blankets are pulled up. Then I am alone. For a count of maybe three minutes, but they seemed like an eternity. Then I am pulled into strong arms and pulled against warm damp skin and muscle.

His thumb wipes a tear or two I didn't even know was there. And a soft kiss is laid on my temple. "You don't have to go there alone anymore. Never alone. It was, well, not great. But we will get better. I promise. In everything."

I can't find anything to say, no words will form. I just let my face leak like it has always wanted to. It is a silent fall of tears, I keep my breathing easy and try to find the reason for this break down. I have never bothered before, what was the point. But now I am trying to.

"Why am I like this? Why do I always take things and turn them to shit. It could have been so easy and me and my doomed cycle of life fucks it all up again." Okay so I found some words. "I have always been self loathing I think. Even when we were little, I have always had this sense of I'm not as good but I should be. No that isn't right, I always felt I should be better, that I was better. I hated that someone had something I didn't, that someone went somewhere I couldn't and fuck even if someone was happy and I wasn't."

"Baby just call it conditioning, when in doubt always blame the parents." I knew he was trying to ease the tension. He was always trying to make it better. Shine the light.

"How can you do that how can you still be here? How can I ask you to tie your self to a messed up junkie like me?"

His massive arms pulled me up and to me side. Face to face I could read him as clear as day even in the dim light from the bathroom.

"You didn't have to. You never had to ask, you just had to be ready."

"But what if I'm not." This time I could feel the tears burn and sting my sore eyes and hot cheeks..

"Then we will come to that road." I try to pull away and go now but I am held rock solid. "We will come to the road, the bridge, what ever and we will cross it, burn it, blow the fucking hell out of it. But unless you are ready to throw in the towel now. If you really want to just call it quits after all of this, then"

I can't hold him close enough or strong enough, I can't throw enough into the kiss to make it all clear but I try my hardest. If I don't leap and do it now then there is no hope left in the world for me.

"We really did it huh?" I can't stop looking at the platinum breaking up the scrolling tattoo on my hand. His white fingers laced in mine took a long time to get use to. Now the band he placed there a few hours ago is something all together new. I don't usually like new but this I will deal with happily.

"Yup we did it, better, worse, all that shit." I loved how he was lit up. His eyes sparkled and his smile was blinding, and he was beautifully all mine.

We wanted to do it small, just us a few friends and that was it. His mother had other plans. They were very scared of the whole relationship, wisely so, to start. But they, well she his mother was never going to come out with judgment, oh no. Nope after she saw how we were together over a few tense dinners she took on a new charity to back of course. Well several actually, when some of the uptights got wind of me. But she was first taking on the stigma of former addicts, even funding a few rehab centers that were low key and though private took anyone if they could afford it or not. While there they would get clean and get on a path. They would intern and get back in the world. I hated to feel like I was another social rung for her but I was talked down. Emm explained it was how she showed she cared. That was enough to get him through the years growing up so I could deal with it.

Her next venture there was never a second thought about it. About any malice. She was on the for fronts in the fights for not just civil unions but for gay marriage. Jason and Emmett only had a civil union. But she said she expected grandchildren and she wanted their parents treated as everyone else's. I found my bond with her there surprisingly. Not that I had been keen on kids or anything but it was something normal to bond over. I knew she was hoping the rehab was going to be the thing but I couldn't go there. When we were planning out the wedding I was still a virtual baby to the sober world. Two years and I still had my shaky times. But the fighting for rights, the politics behind it, they kept my mind running and gave me a rush. And I think I may have brought Emmett and his mother closer in some ways. For once she saw him as more then a cause. At first no, but once I got her out of her suits and pearls and into the real world she got to see what it actually meant. The impact it made, the families fighting to keep their children, the dying spouse being refused last precious moments, the impact of just being seen as a human and equal. So in the end we let her go crazy with her wedding. It didn't matter as long as it was official, legal and forever.

"I'm sorry you parents didn't show." he never did warm to my folks and hoonestly neither did I. They never saw it as acceptable and pretty much cut me out. Not off because they couldn't my grandmother made sure off that. But I was not spoke of in their circles and eventually they even left the state. Opting to leave it all behind. With my new last name I was just as fine to cut ties. As for the money I really didn't give a damn. I had found my home and family.

Popping another button on his tux shirt to make him look actually casual instead of his version I touch the soft tan skin there and run my fingers up his neck. I will never get tired of being able to touch him like this. Running my thumb across his jaw I see how seriously sad he is. I really don't want that. I want him to let it go too.

"Baby, they never mattered. Not once. Don't think twice about it, you are my family, and well as much as she annoys us both I have a mother now, and your dad I almost have talked into a tattoo." That got me my smile just as I leaned in to kiss my husband's mouth. His lips were still the sweetest gift the fates had ever bestowed on me. As his plump bottom lip slipped between mine and I tugged it I got the moan I relish. The sound that is my new drug of choice. Well it is a hit to get me by, there are other more erotic sounds I am hooked on but that is for the hard core hits I need.

A clinking of glasses and laughing brings us out of our own private world. Emm always the comic relief is the one to speak as I try to calm the raging in the trousers.

"I thought that was suppose to make us kiss not break it up." There is a loud chuckle though the crowd and someone pipes in and allows my get away.

"Well it's hard to find you two not glued at the mouths, it's a wonder you two even have lips left." I catch Ang's eyes as I slip away and mouth a thank you for the escape. She is beeming. If not for her I would have been dead long ago and this never would have been possible. I see her wide smile and teary eyes as she settles back into Rose's strong arms. Rose's hand strokes her full belly and she too has the same gratitude in her eyes. Those two were a shock and a blessing. Who would have guessed that a random meeting would have created a family. I have to laugh as Rose mouths one word to me.

'Fate'

I gather myself for a moment before I cross the small stage and grab the mic. I am not sure I can do this but I have to. It is all I can give him that would mean everything. So With and awkward handle on the thing I find the switch with shaky fingers and turn it on.

"Um, yeah, uh hello?" and round of hiya's hit me back. Now I am shaking even more but as he stands looking confused I know I can't stop. "Hey everyone. I just wanted to first say thanks for coming out and helping us celebrate." The roar of voices mkes me even more nervous about doing this but The piano startsa quiet warm up and I steel my self to this. I have been working on this with my father in laws help. He called in some friends, old buddies form his way back garage band days. He is off to the right of the stage and I look to him and his nod and smile are much like his son's, my husband's. The same faith in me.

"There is not a lot I can give to Emmett that can even come a fraction of close enough to what he has given me. His patience is the first thing he gave to me. His understanding the next. His faith another biggie. His love the greatest. And for him I give this. The song that sealed it for us both. On the moment it could have gone either way. The night that locked in our fate on the plus side. This is it. You and me words are all yours and I heard them loud and clear."

I take the mic, shaking as hell and hope my voice can do this. His face is watery and beautiful and I lock on it as the band kicks in.

"You push me  
I don't have the strength to  
Resist or control you  
So take me down, take me down

You hurt me  
But do I deserve this?  
You make me so nervous  
Calm me down, calm me down

Wake you up  
In the middle of the night to say  
I will never walk away again  
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here  
And never leave this place  
Perfection of your face  
Slows me down, slows me down

So fall down  
I need you to trust me  
Go easy, don't rush me  
Help me out, why don't you help me out?

Wake you up  
In the middle of the night to say  
I will never walk away again  
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So you say go, it isn't workin'  
And I say no, it isn't perfect  
So I stay instead  
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all, take all that I have  
I'd give it all away just to get you back  
And fake it, fake it, I'll take what I can get  
Knocking so loud, can you hear me yet?

Try to stay awake, but you can't forget

Wake you up  
In the middle of the night to say  
I will never walk away again  
I'm never gonna leave this bed

You say go, it isn't workin'  
And I say no, it isn't perfect  
So I stay instead  
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all, take all that I have"

As the music trails off he is at the foot of the stge, once again him and I in a sea of they don't matter. I walk to the front of the stage and let myself be pulled down. His kiss is hard and possessive and the sounds of the world are silent. I have no idea how but I am naked and falling into our bed. He covers me, he fills me and I am now the one sure that I am never leaving this bed.

A/N: Okay so it has been a ton of time and a ton of issues. I had said one final chapter but for some reason I am having issues uploading and with pretty much everything. It was complete and an update wiped most of it all so it was a clean slate start, then school start for kids and inlaws and you name it. So rewriting it was. So I am going to split the last few thousand words in to chapters and hope they will load and get out to you. The words aren't the same as first written and I lost 3/4 of them but the story is the same. Rest assured there is a steamy chapter and then an epi type chapter left. If I can load them later today as one I will if not they will be loaded before Friday.


	111. Chapter 111

"You heard me huh?"

"I heard you."

"You knew that night?"

"I knew long before then."

"You sang to me on our wedding night."

"And every night since."

"You love me?"

"Always."

"Why?"

You know why."

"I want to hear it."

"After 10 years?"

"After 100 years I still will."

"We will be ashes baby."

"You'll find a way."

"I will."

"Why?"

"Because you saved me. Because you have always saved me. You have always been my pillow."

"Not your rock?"

"You were the one that named it all our bed. You want to sleep on a rock?"

"No"

The smile says it all.

"Fine but I am still rock hard. No pillow here. Abs of steel."

A/N a cheeky sweet bit. They said give them a bit...


End file.
